Monday, 14 May 2012

Honestly Honesty.

What I'm not sure I can say to you. Words slightly edited, i admit.

 and why aren't you asleep?

I appear to be failing at such a task. The vster came over all serious.. He's asleep and i can't now

everyone seems to be failing at it, is the vster okay?

Yeah, but doesn't know if we'll last next year; we won't necessarily have time for each other /:

:( I really hope you do last it, and to be fair you always made time this year, and it just as busy next year as it was this year, so i would put money on it that you stay together. He's probably just stressing about exams and everything, so thats why he mentioned it.

How are you feeling about it?

Well next year he'll have more work that he'll take more seriously.. And he wants to continue with his socials and sports, also be fencing social sec, also will apply for being chairman of the IPS winter ball.. He sees everything as something towards his future and because he doesn't see me as a long term part of that, no matter how much i would want to be, so i don't know why i'm surprised. I don't think he realises how much i care for him though. I don't know if he can. I hardly know what i mean to him sometimes... But that's not really the point.  I don't want to stand in the way of his life.  And he won't let me.


..That's something i can't explain to him- he imagines that we can be friends after our relationship but i wouldn't really be able to watch him with someone else. I just can't quite imagine it. Or rather i can, and it's crap :P


The thing is i don't know what i'd do, how i would react.. I don't feel ready to lose him, especially going by how much i cried when he said it, hah.

((and now telling you this, i feel bad. I feel bad that you'll take this as pressure or something. Not that you necessarily would, but.....don't. It's not the point))

you shouldn't have to imagine it. Right now he is yours, and even he doesn't believe in 'love' or want to say it ... he seems happy with you, and you are very happy with him. Also he really wouldn't like the angry Rebecca that would banging on his door demanding a full explaination as to why you are in tears. And i think if you cried that much anyone even a heartless bitch would realise how you deeply feel and how much you care for them.

((Sorry about that.))

We are both happy.. And yeah, he is mine :) .. Everything you've said seems very logical (you feeling alright? ;)) .. I guess i just always get scared by this stuff. I don't like letting go of people, after all. It's why i forgive so much.

((I have no idea if this post is a good idea or if, by the time you check my blog, I will have taken it down, because I decide against letting you know - or maybe against letting you read it rather than hear it. But thinking about it, things will have to fuck up pretty royally for you to get away. I want you around, and I'm not sure i could do it if we weren't together. So let's not take the risk quite yet, shall we?  Of course if it doesn't work out then thank you for preparing me for it, because I didn't think that there was much of a chance.. But I like to think you've figured out how I feel about you, and how little I want to let you go, and I really hope that you feel the same... <3
I think it hit me so hard because while you were thinking about the end, I was thinking about the future.  If you would be the first man I lived with; if we would do that in or out of uni accommodation the year after next.. I know last night i mentioned leaving and going elsewhere and studying. But it's an idea, a dream, which I wouldn't do. Can't give up.  Anyway.  Slightly different ideas; made the other ones a bit more of a shock to the system.  But we shall see; there's only one way to find out, and I hope that we give 'us' a chance.  And I hope that if worst comes to worst, I can let go of you enough to stay friends with you, because you really are pretty amazing to have around.  I can only hope (well assume, as you wouldn't necessarily keep me around otherwise) that you think I am too.  I don't feel like I've been there for you, like I've thought about you enough.  Possibly because you actually let me be selfish; let me think of myself and show me that it's not the worst thing in the world, unlike people have before.  So I'm sorry for that.
I hope that we can get through this, but know that if we weren't to then it wouldn't be the end of the world.  Though I would miss you, a lot.
I've run out of words now.. So I'll leave you be.  You're lovely. x.))

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