So far today, I've been up for an hour and a half and have done nothing but eat yoghurt and drink a mug of tea. Oh how marvelous this is.
I'm back in Brighton now, as of yesterday afternoon. I left Aber on the 7.30 train and had such a painless journey that it was amazing. It involved a lot of sleeping and a little bit of reading The Woman in White (so far pretty ace, and I've only read about 5 (short) chapters)
...Now, I've done much more than that.
I went out to meet Amy at about 12, because she was late, then wandered around Brighton for a while. We then met Patrick, Pete and Radar for a bit which was great; I've missed them. Not so much Pete because I don't know him, but that's not the point. Radar is a rather funny young man, and makes a pretty marvelous pillow.
I left as soon as my Dad rang to go and have dinner with him. He took me to the Tin Drum (I'm so spoilt) and let me have basically everything I wanted. It was great to see him again. I love having such a mutual understanding of so much with him; I haven't half missed him.
See, now I'm growing up and he can see what I'm going to become; and he can probably see himself in me, based on the conversations that we have and how we interact. It's really refreshing and lovely. Especially how much he specifically doesn't say (e.g. "I think you'll become someone who gives another person's opinion in advance" - he didn't say this in that phrasing, but he implied the same. It means that basically, I'll be in control and the people around me will be probably willing to be controlled by me. I hope it's not like that, not to the extent he thinks, because that'd be too much. I'd need someone to stand up to me every now and then); and how much I can tell him. I can tell him about Henrik and how our opinions on our relationship differ, I can tell him some stuff about Chris. Some stuff I don't want him to know, though. He probably does, but there's no way that I'm saying it. I'm glad to have developed this connection with him.. Though he's still annoying when he's drunk. Always will be. Probably because I just don't particularly like it when he is, because I know why he's drunk.
I'm just knackered, now. I've got to the point in my night when what my Dad has said all night is catching up with me and hitting me round the head. It can be quite a lot to take in. Would quite like a wee spoon now (this is where I want apparation, like in Harry Potter, to be real. I miss the Viking. Even though last time I said it he didn't even reply. It's still true so there's no point denying it, even though it's harder to miss someone than it is to ignore them.)
It think it's time for The Woman In White.
Night all
This time tomorrow, I will have finished my final exam and will have started on the half litre of vodka which is sitting above my head (on a shelf, not levitating, that would be weird). That means that I will have finished my first year of university.. and after that, I will be jetting off to Ireland, from there Spain, and from there Norway, to see my Viking. So, as influenced by Gracie's post, I think it's about time that I did some looking back.
Up to and including the 23rd of September, 2011:
I was being given new levels of crap from my ex boyfriend, who appeared to have come away from a conversation in which we broke up with no inclination of us having done so.
I was a wreck because of said boyfriend.
I was outgrowing home and my friends there and my opportunities there. I was hungry for life, adventure and new, exciting things.
I was one of those people who always said "I'd love to do that", but never did.
I didn't know every word to Party Rock Anthem, or the dance to Avacii - Levels.
On the 23rd of September:
I was someone I've never been before.
I moved into my new room (number 69, flat 6, block A, Cwrt Mawr) and was instantly greeted warmly by a guy I thought was good looking and a room of other people who were already drinking.
I left to finish unpacking and have a last supper with my dad, and when I came back there were more people, including one certain ginger guy who was rather good looking and was surrounded by people. He seemed energetic, exciting, cool. I thought he was with the girl that he'd taken there, because she was so quiet, only really talking to him.
I met someone off my course and took them up to my flat, which was somewhat defeatist. She didn't do anything.
I spoke to my +1 flatmate, Mike, a lot. He lives across the hall from us and because our flat is so insane when it comes to going out, but his is so quiet, he joined us. He kinda has the best deal, because he didn't have to live here when it got to its worst.
The ginger guy turned out to be Norwegian (cool accent yo), called Henrik, and gave me Martini and shuffled with me by the fridge. Genuinely one of my favourite moments but I'm probably somewhat biased.
We left the flat and I was walking behind the ginger thinking that he had a nice back.
The friend from my course couldn't afford going to the Union so we went down the steps where we met two people, Mike and Josh.
We walked down into town bantering and laughing, essentially ignoring the girl off my course and her boyfriend.
We had some drinks; went to Harry's; and Josh and I admired Mike's skill as he went around a group of 7 girls, coming out with 5 phone numbers. The girl off my course's boyfriend wasn't allowed into Harry's because his ID was so out of date.
We went back to their flat and somehow by this point I was tipsy but honestly can't remember how.
Josh, Mike and I left them at their flat and went back to Harry's, where we did sambuca challenge, a shot of 'buca, shot of vodka and a shot of tequila, each twice.
Memory from this point on grew patchy and somehow we ended up in Josh's flat, drank the bottle of wine he had been saving for the night after, and I slept with Josh without remembering a thing.
Not something I ever thought I would do.
For the last week of September
I got with the guy in the flat, who I thought was good looking, and I regret it. However, we never had sex and this is genuinely one of the things I am most pleased did not happen - and I mean ever.
In this week, I made friends with all of my flat
Made drunk friends
Got people to buy me drinks, and had to get Dai to help get me away from some of them
Fell through a roof foot-first, which Bryce repeated and Dai managed to fall through butt-first when he sat down on it
Predrank on rapist pathways
Developed the banter relationships most people have in uni that I had never had before
Had one of the best weeks ever, really.
All of this time I was still talking to that ginger guy; I grew to trust him pretty fast. He seemed like someone worth knowing.
October:
Much more of a blur.
The course started and I made friends with Becca by running around the yard shouting "every day I'm shuffling" and breaking into dance. We irritated everyone else but it was worth it.
I made friends with someone I see around from time-to-time by asking them how to spell "shuffling" on a coach to the Llanbadarn campus.
I think it was in the first week of this that Henrik did an air kick in academy and dislocated his knee. This night gave me hints that he liked me but I was trying hard to be single (I failed; his fault) so kept trying to put him off.
I called him my pet Viking.
He was the one person who could convince me to go out when I had yards in the morning, and we went to a gay night at the union, got horrifically drunk and Henrik started spewing in a bin. So I stayed with him, rubbing his back, holding a glass of water that I got from Yokos, in case he wanted it. I then took him home, and he insisted that I stayed the night, forcing me to do my first walk of shame from his house the next day.
I was still being bugged by my ex; one time I turned my phone off over night and woke up to ten texts from him. Good thing my phone doesn't register missed calls.
The ex once rang me from a private number and I genuinely can't remember the conversation because I listened to so little of it. I think I was talking to that cool ginger on Facebook at the time.
Henrik and I went for a walk through a forested path, across a creepy field and across the golf course where there were people on a quad bike with a torch, who we decided were aliens. I slept at his again that night, and when I got back Nick gave me a "oh bless you, really?" look ahah.
The ex then texted me with a problem that I couldn't respond to easily. I turned to Henrik for help with it because I had no idea what to do.
I learned more about Henrik than I think he realised, and more than people have been willing to tell me before.
The flat dance began. the 15th... I'd been fighting that I liked him for a while, but when we were both drunk we were kinda all over each other. And let's be honest, I was probably the worst one.
We went for a walk and cuddled on a ruin until we ended up kissing and the thought crossed my mind "was this a mistake?" until I woke up in his arms the next morning and thought "no".
Best feeling ever.
Ever Since:
We thought it was the UV night at the union and thought UV would be awesome without the union. So we covered ourselves in UV paint and went town, after doing the Superman in the kitchen while pre-drinking. That is why we love it when Rach's gay Dave visits.
I've grown up; I've learned what I mean to myself; I've learned what I mean to my Viking; I've learned what more I should mean to myself.
I've learned what I can mean to other people.
I've got the worst sunburn I've ever had.
I've spent time with people I love to pieces; I've got bored of those people; I've needed a break.
I've learned what I need from my university experience and what I want from my life. Not a career path quite yet, though running a riding business appeals, but I know what types of friends I want and what qualifications I'm going to get.
I've gained the ambition that I had guilt tripped out of me.
I feel so good for the future.
I can't wait.
I have an exam on Saturday, I've not started packing my life into boxes, I've not got anywhere to live next year.
I am stressed to fuck.
However.
I've rung the accommodation office and they're sending something through that should be useful; I am revising; I have bags open and clothes in their vicinity in an effort to sort them out.
And breathe....
There is no way that my Viking will be having this shirt sit in a bag when I could be stealing it. :)
I stole this shirt from H last night, was meant to leave it with his stuff here.... it may not happen.
So the boy left for home this morning, after thanking me for an amazing year. Slightly depressing, not gonna lie, but only because I thought it sounded like he wasn't sure if next year will be - with regard to us, at least. However... it will be. Even if we do break up, we'll still be friends.
I can't wait to see him again. I already imagine my semi-movie moment.. Though I won't be able to run up to him, I have an idea of what I'll do.... Ahah. As long as I can see him; I'm terrible at seeing people when I look for them!
I'm only in Aberystwyth for 4 more days, and in 2 days I'll be in the same weird place as the Viking, having completed his first year of uni, now on his way to try and work and have a good summer.
I think that the days in Aber and Brighton will be worst with regard to missing the boy, but no matter, because summer and seeing him, as I said, will be amazing.
.....And this is how Cat does positive thinking. No point in being sad with now if better is to come. All you need is to be able to see how it will be.
Oh, and Mizuki, I never knew that guys like Mr Mystery existed until recently, but they do! Well, I've never found a Mr Mystery with any sense about him, but there are at least those who do have a clue! I'm in the process of finding a new crowd too (I hope..) ... Keep me posted on how it goes? xo
"I saw a guy on the way to the train earlier looking insanely happy about the big box of presents he had.
Like REALLY happy.
Grinning ear to ear.
I thought to myself "That guy is having a GOOD birthday...".
When I sat by him on the train I noticed they were all addressed to "Sarah".
I love that guy.
And so should Sarah."
And to quote someone who commented on that post: "Ignore the cynics, Pip. The world needs hopeless romantics."
I hope that if ever I am Sarah, I will appreciate that man and the presents and how pleased he is with how happy he thinks that he will make her.
Goddamn, that is sweet.
It still reminds me of my favourite poem: Stop all the clocks, cut off the phone; prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone. Silence the pianos and with muffled drum, bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
I guess that Sarah and Mr Mystery are a little reminder that people can feel like W.H Auden seemed to when he wrote 'Funeral Blues'. I love that. I love that there is love like that.
And now, just because I'm in the mood, here's the poem I never told, recited or gave, even though when I wrote it out, my hand shook.
Don't particularly like the phrase; don't particularly like the song; love the sentiment.
YOLO: You Only Live Once.
So: Do shit, because you might not be able to tomorrow; do stuff to say you've done it. Live to please yourself, live to be alive.
This and the problem with Tumblr is what got me onto this post.
The problem with Tumblr is questions like these:
"What's the meaning of life?"
To change the world, to be happy, to change the world even if it's just by smiling at everyone who walks past you on the street.
It amazes me that people can disagree with this.
"What would happen if I died?"
Nothing.
"Who would care if I died?"
The people who love you. And they are there.
+ some general melodrama.
I enjoy tumblr and yes sometimes I do feel like no one cares, etc etc. But at the end of the day, I care if I make something of myself or not, and I care if I die and give up tomorrow. More than that, I know that it would affect the people I love. My mum, my dad, my brother, and I like to think my Viking. Admittedly I'm pretty sure that the Viking would be less than the others because although we have a connection, we've only been together for 7 months. My parents and brother, however, I know love me from the bottom of their hearts and we have always been close and loved each other. It's because of that why I would never, ever ask to die before my parents. I would never want to put them through that.
But that's not the point. Where did that come from? I got a bit carried away there, ahah.
The point is YOLO.
Live like you'll die tomorrow, farm like you'll live forever.
And in case you were wondering, the important part of that sentence was the first.
It's taking me more than it should to post this photo. That's because I'm a) wearing a bra and trackies, and I haven't had a photo taken of me in a bra for a very long time, let alone take one myself; and b) because there's that little line by my belly button which, come to think of it, only actually proves I'm human. Even the skinniest people get folds.
The thing with photos, body image, and (almost) therefore how happy a girl is with herself is that the people in magazines may as well be barbie dolls - literally. They are adjusted and edited until they basically aren't themselves any more; their face shape changes and figure changes and imperfections are obliterated. It's difficult to live up to if you don't realise or register it. But it's one of the most important stepping stones, so to speak, that I've ever encountered and mastered. By no means am I always happy with my body. In no way is there nothing that I would change, but nowadays, I can just look at myself and think "yeah, I'm alright". The hardest thing is keeping that opinion. Don't bother listening to what other people say; "I'm so fat" when they're smaller than you? You know that they're wrong, and you know that they're just worried. Pressured.
I still, when I'm getting ready for a night out as I just have been, look at myself not entirely satisfied with what I see. I see the slight bump I have at my belly (which, as far as I can tell, every woman has) and wish it wasn't there; I look at my makeup and don't think it suits me. But I'm getting there, and I think that more people should try to - believe that they can. If my life changes dramatically and I end up running a magazine, I want it to have beautiful women in it. That is, beautiful women who are not photoshopped, who are happy to be who they are.
That said, the last time I attempted anything like that was in an IT project in year 11 and the IT teacher proceeded to take the piss out of the calves of the girl I had photographed. It annoyed me. But also made me think; how many people would believe that one magazine that says "it's ok, you can be human sized"? Because as far as I can tell, it's all gone too far to be easily stopped.
One of the things that I say to my friends most is that I don't care how anyone dresses, I just think that they should dress to suit themselves and their body. And so many people say it, yet so few people do it. It seems almost as if people have begun to become blind to what is staring straight at them, whether it's with regard to facts of life and which friends are trustworthy, or whether it's how beautiful they are. Everyone has something that they can show off. People should be taken into a room and shouldn't emerge until they feel good - like in We Will Rock You, the musical, Scaramoush (no idea how it's spelt) is sent off stage to change her clothes and is not allowed back "until you feel gooood about yo-self".
It's something that should be encouraged and should be looked into more; people should dress so that they're happy and they're flattering themselves. And if they don't like their weight or whatever: get off their butts and do something.
Now, this post was meant to be slightly different, I think, but I can't fully remember because I started it last night and was paying more attention then.
Just be beautiful. You are. xo
I have prepared as much as I think I physically could, and in the past paper I just did there were 3 questions I couldn't answer without being certain I got them right, so that seems pretty positive to me.
I think this morning it'll be time for a run, then wake up Lottie, then cheerios and tea while answering past paper questions and writing down anything I don't know already. The good thing about exams at 2 is that you can make the day before quite relaxing and simple.
Everything that happened last night meant to me that I will, next year, either do even more growing up while being with my boy, or do slightly slower growing up not being with him. A shame if it happens but at the end of the day, life's easiest if we take things in our strides and accept what happens. Or, if we hate it that much, then we make it work. Henrik was always someone I wanted to be with for a very long time, so if it is only a year it would be a shame, but not a disastrous one. Just an unfortunate one. No matter how long it takes me to realise it. I'll still always remember before we were together, staying up until 4am drinking tea and talking; me not knowing what to do so texting him, and he came over to talk to me straight after his lectures.
And then while we have been together, going to Shrewsbury and having a great day out; going to Ireland and him meeting my grandparents...(another shame if we were to break up; he has left some bloody big shoes to fill with myself /and/ my family - everyone loves him!) ... not to mention what's to come; me meeting his parents and seeing Norway, walking up to the monument (something we've always said we would do) on Friday... and then just nights together, cuddling and talking until the small hours. And the mornings together. In his arms is my favourite place to wake up.
Oh do I feel content right now.
Time for me to go for a run.
Biglove,xo.
What I'm not sure I can say to you. Words slightly edited, i admit.
B:
and why aren't you asleep?
C:
I appear to be failing at such a task. The vster came over all serious.. He's asleep and i can't now
B:
everyone seems to be failing at it, is the vster okay?
C:
Yeah, but doesn't know if we'll last next year; we won't necessarily have time for each other /:
B:
:( I really hope you do last it, and to be fair you always made time this year, and it just as busy next year as it was this year, so i would put money on it that you stay together. He's probably just stressing about exams and everything, so thats why he mentioned it.
How are you feeling about it?
C:
Well next year he'll have more work that he'll take more seriously.. And he wants to continue with his socials and sports, also be fencing social sec, also will apply for being chairman of the IPS winter ball.. He sees everything as something towards his future and because he doesn't see me as a long term part of that, no matter how much i would want to be, so i don't know why i'm surprised. I don't think he realises how much i care for him though. I don't know if he can. I hardly know what i mean to him sometimes... But that's not really the point. I don't want to stand in the way of his life. And he won't let me.
.....
..That's something i can't explain to him- he imagines that we can be friends after our relationship but i wouldn't really be able to watch him with someone else. I just can't quite imagine it. Or rather i can, and it's crap :P
........
The thing is i don't know what i'd do, how i would react.. I don't feel ready to lose him, especially going by how much i cried when he said it, hah.
((and now telling you this, i feel bad. I feel bad that you'll take this as pressure or something. Not that you necessarily would, but.....don't. It's not the point))
B:
you shouldn't have to imagine it. Right now he is yours, and even he doesn't believe in 'love' or want to say it ... he seems happy with you, and you are very happy with him. Also he really wouldn't like the angry Rebecca that would banging on his door demanding a full explaination as to why you are in tears. And i think if you cried that much anyone even a heartless bitch would realise how you deeply feel and how much you care for them.
((Sorry about that.))
C:
We are both happy.. And yeah, he is mine :) .. Everything you've said seems very logical (you feeling alright? ;)) .. I guess i just always get scared by this stuff. I don't like letting go of people, after all. It's why i forgive so much.
((I have no idea if this post is a good idea or if, by the time you check my blog, I will have taken it down, because I decide against letting you know - or maybe against letting you read it rather than hear it. But thinking about it, things will have to fuck up pretty royally for you to get away. I want you around, and I'm not sure i could do it if we weren't together. So let's not take the risk quite yet, shall we? Of course if it doesn't work out then thank you for preparing me for it, because I didn't think that there was much of a chance.. But I like to think you've figured out how I feel about you, and how little I want to let you go, and I really hope that you feel the same... <3 I think it hit me so hard because while you were thinking about the end, I was thinking about the future. If you would be the first man I lived with; if we would do that in or out of uni accommodation the year after next.. I know last night i mentioned leaving and going elsewhere and studying. But it's an idea, a dream, which I wouldn't do. Can't give up. Anyway. Slightly different ideas; made the other ones a bit more of a shock to the system. But we shall see; there's only one way to find out, and I hope that we give 'us' a chance. And I hope that if worst comes to worst, I can let go of you enough to stay friends with you, because you really are pretty amazing to have around. I can only hope (well assume, as you wouldn't necessarily keep me around otherwise) that you think I am too. I don't feel like I've been there for you, like I've thought about you enough. Possibly because you actually let me be selfish; let me think of myself and show me that it's not the worst thing in the world, unlike people have before. So I'm sorry for that. I hope that we can get through this, but know that if we weren't to then it wouldn't be the end of the world. Though I would miss you, a lot. I've run out of words now.. So I'll leave you be. You're lovely. x.))
Today, I took part in Race for Life for the first time.
It must be said, that I think it was one of my favourite experiences. I never knew how many people were involved, caring and supporting. Of course, everyone hears figures, but being amongst that throng of people all shuffling forwards in an effort to start the race is something else. What people write to stick on their backs, ("I'm racing for my dad"; "I'm racing for Tril") became all the more moving when no matter where you looked, you could see them. There were huge groups of people all running for one person, which was amazing. Becca and I wrote on our backs that we were running for "one in three people", the statistic of people who are diagnosed with cancer at some point in their lives. One that I thought was brilliant was someone who wrote on the back that they're running for "you"; and another that was "me".
Every time we ran past the people watching, clapping and supporting us, I picked up slightly, or smiled, or both. There was a samba band at one point, playing throughout the race, giving us a beat and some energy. At the end, we got a card saying "we have something to say..." (open said card) "You are awesome!" Which has, unsurprisingly, gone straight on my notice board; and a medal and a free bottle of water and packet of crisps (B and I were grateful for them!)
I don't think that, throughout my life, I've ever felt quite so much a part of something, especially something that actually could change someone's life. The fact that we (though this is only me and Alice) raised £220 and ran 5k for it just makes me actually wish I had done more. I would love to have a life like that; to work with or even just do something every year that actually makes a difference to peoples lives.
Another amazing night last night. Out with the pole dancing society, as you do.. Met a right babe called Jake who I've been talking to all day, met a right dick whose Irish mate Becca got off with, and danced with an old man local - and even was out in the vicinity of my boy, which was nice.
We started in Weatherspoons (where we voted for social sec etc for the soc & had a pitcher), went to Cambrian (lovejuice. Got Dai one because I still owe him a fortune - though will now count us even - and straight off was down about a tenner), then Salt (boring, not looking promising cause it was Fe's choice and she's now social sec), then Varsity (where we met the dick and his friend, who turned out to be a bit of a dick too, actually), then Academy, which I have no memory of, then Inn on the Pier (where my Viking came up behind me and hugged & kissed me, sehr sehr nice), then pier (dead but awesome, where we saw some really cool people and met Hologram Jake) then Yokos, where we saw Tom and his flat, which was awesome because they're awesome. Awesome. (I keep saying 'awesome' and 'pro' today... So cool.)
I couldn't get into the Viking's last night though, I went home and got changed and Dai passed out on my bed. Then I managed to leave my phone at home, which I decided not to get for some reason, so I rang him off Lottie's phone several hundred times before waking him up and telling him to stay awake for 2 minutes, which he didn't; I ran to his to get there before he went to sleep and couldn't get in. Drunk Kitty decided it'd be a great idea to chuck my keys at his window too, then couldn't find them, so I couldn't even get into my flat. I ended up knocking on Lottie's window and scaring the shit out of her before basically passing out. I woke up at 9.30 this morning still drunk and went straight to see the Viking, get my keys and have a cuddle. I was late for my riding lesson but it was totally worth it; and I think Caryll appreciates a bit of honesty when I rolled up late and said "sorry, I got terribly drunk last night and just couldn't quite make it..." Bless her, she just laughed. I can't believe I was allowed on to be honest, I was steaming. Rode pretty well though, even if I do say so myself ahah.
Well, there we go. I've done no work whatsoever but am about to do land use, go for a run, then come back, have a shower, then head to Lottie's to study Breeding and Stud all night. Goodo!
I lost my mind here; I lost my patience with the Lord.
It's a great feeling when you realise that, despite having had the intention of doing Race for Life for a very long time, you've done fuck all training (pretty much) for about two months (I was ill for a while and since then didn't start properly. I've been for a few runs, just not enough), have to run the race on Sunday and think you're going to die; not least because it requires hills, which have not been practiced because you live at the top of the required hill. Silly, silly child, I am. I need to focus more.
Which reminds me; I should be revising.......
I like to think a lot of things about myself. That I won't go out when I should be revising; that I will stick to what I say on a day-to-day basis. But I just don't. It's probably a shame. That, or shows that I'm spontaneous... Who knows.
I'm supposed to not be going out tonight, and be going for an adventure tomorrow, with someone that I don't really want to go on an adventure with. As my Viking pointed out last night, however, there's not much point in going for the sake of going; all that's doing is putting myself in a bad situation. I think I may as well just stay in Aber and chill out a bit. Maybe night out, maybe quiet drinks in my favourite place... (Oh actually that would be awesome, I hope the weather's good enough for that).
Anyway, I stopped writing this blog post while revising, and now I'm off out. I got a new dress and not I'm not quite sure about it, but at least I know my mum would like it.. Or at least, I'm pretty sure :P
So last night I wasn't happy. At all. At like..4am everything got on top of me. Unfortunately, there isn't really an "everything" to speak of. I think that a lot of my life is changing, and I'm finding it kinda hard to deal with, because, well, I'm like that. So first I'd like to apologise to my Viking as I've been kinda crap and very clingy along with this. Fortunately not for long. Now I just can't wait to see you tonight and remind you that I'm pretty alright; or something. Sometimes I feel like I make you forget.
Anyway.
Basically.
It's just not that bad.
Even when you feel at your wit's end and there's no one to talk to, there's always someone. Even if it's someone from Samaritans.
I've never had the worst problems in the world (shall we say). I've had times when I've been down, who the hell hasn't? I just tend to feel the way that people around me feel. And if, at times like these, I don't have people around me much, I find it quite difficult because I just don't know what I should really be doing. I'm like my mum, apparently; she wants people to be around all the time, too.
I think I'm trying too much to be everything, to the extent where I'm kinda forgetting who I actually am. I can't say I fully know who I am, I can't write a definition, but I want to be someone who is full of energy and happy to be where they are and happy alone or in company (apparently both only to an extent, but whatever).. and I like to think that, most of the time, I am that.
I always like to see the best in people and it's something that I've got worse at recently, but in all honesty I'm not sure that that's a bad thing. I needed some of that.
I would like to be interested in people again; it used to be that I would spend hours writing someone's story. I would sit in a cafe and someone would catch my eye, be it a man who was studiously systematic in the eating of his meal; or a builder who was so engrossed in what he was doing that he forgot about his food.. and I would write all about them. I would write where they had come from, where they were going, why they were distracted, why they were systematic or why they were engrossed. I miss doing that. Though, to be fair, I think that it's partly because I don't have anywhere that I feel comfortable enough to do it in Aber. I'm just glad that yesterday, when I went for a walk, I remembered where my favourite place in Aber is...
I'll just have to remember to go back there now.
Although I have been enjoying this monologue, I really should go and revise.. Especially because apparently my friend's singing in a Glee thing tonight, so I'll be off out from about 7 until about 10. Unless I get distracted by talking to my Dad, which is really rather likely.
I've always been someone who cherishes the feeling of coming home. Somewhere familiar, after having been away for a long time. It's something that I find essentially irreplaceable, though I can't really tell you why.
I also can't really explain what home is for me. A place; a state of mind; a person. For a while I felt like a person was home, because I felt safe when I was with them... But I grew out of that. People can't be relied upon in that way because they're just too unreliable. You expect one thing from them then they suddenly piss off and do another. The only person you can rely on for stability is yourself because you get as much as you give, essentially. If you want to mix things up and change things then you just do. It's not difficult. It's difficult to want someone to be around when they're not.
I think that might be part of the reason why I'm missing home at the moment. I just booked my ticket home and I can't wait. To see my family, mostly. It's going to be strange though, because my brother's moved out now. That'll be strange because when my parents split he was the person I spent most of my time with and, in some ways, depended upon the most. We've always been close even though I've never told him everything; I've always been able to tell him the most significant parts, the parts that I need him to listen to most. I like to think it's a reciprocal understanding. But now he's done that growing up thing, and is living in London, doing whatever he does.
Anyway. When I've been at home, as in Brighton, I've never felt much of an attachment to it unless I particularly wanted to be there. I can remember one time when I felt down, lying on the carpet at the bottom of the stairs to my room and smiling. I was home; it was exactly where I wanted to be. I think that was because it was a sanctuary. No one in home was going to hurt me, like people outside of it could. That could be why I don't feel particularly attached to my flat in Aberystwyth most of the time; I know full well that the people here may hurt me and do use me. Example? Well, Josh. I let him use my stuff and he does fuck all in return. I'm pretty sure he has my pillows too; I came here with three, I now have one. They're just not in his room so he assumes that it's not him. That's like with the washing up: we had two cupboards filled with dirty crockery that he denied was his because he, when making the mess, had used other people's crockery.
It pisses me off how people are physically incapable of owning up to having got something wrong and taking responsibility for their actions. Dicks.
As you may be able to tell, I'm not in a good mood today. It didn't start well, then I decided to chill out and soon enough get some revision done, and now it's just not really happening.
I wanna go home. Or at least talk to my dad. I was meant to last Wednesday, when I went out for a saucepan and accidentally got terribly drunk instead, but there we go.
I think one of the things I miss about home is lying on the sofa watching shitty CSI with my Dad, talking about everything.
I don't particularly want to be alone today, if I'm honest... but there's only so much you can do.
Oh I hate emo posts! Good side: train tickets are booked and I'm out of here at 9:30am on Monday 28th May.
I can then see my Dad, then my Mum, then my friends, and then I can go to Ireland (SO excited), then Spain, then Norway to see my Viking face, then back home again for my cousin's wedding before Benalmadena with the girls from home (assuming that actually happens). Though that one is a bit annoying - I said "can we not go to Spain because I'm spending ages there anyway" - so we're going to Spain, really near where I'm going for most of August. Fail, much.
Then it'll be back to Aber with a fresh face and new level of excitement for life. That's the theory anyway!
When I'm back in Aber, the aim will be to get out and make as many friends OFF my course as I can, because honestly, too much time with the same people isn't good; and really doesn't suit me. Especially when the easiest alternative for them is my flat, who are both irritating and flirtatious. So there we go. Even more exciting: next year I won't be living in squalor and disgusting conditions! It'll just be Becca and me.
I'm still considering a horse for next year. Two people have suggested loaning one together; with one of them it would mean no early mornings, and the other would mean half as many as usual. Which is good. I would probably need a car though, which is less good....
Anyway, having cheered myself up; revision time. Yay!
I have spent my day revising and my evening procrastinating, in short. I had a lie in 'till 10.30 which helped me to feel a little bit alive again, because I've been exhausted of late, then revised sitting on my Viking's floor until about 3, when I came home, didn't revise much more and made risotto out of my left over drunk gammon. (I can't remember if I said on here or not, but drunk Cat decided it'd be an amazing idea to buy 2 joints of gammon... I think that's meals until I leave uni sorted!)
Which reminds me; less than a month left. About 3 weeks, in fact. As long as I can find somewhere, to leave my stuff, I should be off by the 28th of March (as I will be wanting a large one on the 26th: night of the last exam). Until then, there may or may not be about 2/3 nights out, but I've become determined to do well enough this year to take the pressure off next year. You see, I'm doing a FnD (foundation degree) which means that I have to pass this year, my work experience placement over summer, then next year to get said FnD. However, I'm not wasting two years of my life on a degree that won't even get recognised by most employers, especially when it's called "equine studies". I mean seriously; does that not scream "thick"? Therefore, I'll be doing my third year and I'll be trying my best to get used to working properly; getting work done in good time before deadlines; and getting good enough marks to get onto the third year Equine Science (coming out with a BSc in Equine Science would, I think, be a shitlot better than a crap degree in a crap sounding subject).
God, I'm such a snob.
Says the girl wearing a Nike polo top with the collar turned up.
Anyway.
It's time to pop to the Viking's now, so I'll speak to y'all again tomorrow, AFTER enough revision.
The stories of "what I did last night" are, without a doubt, my least favourite thing on this planet. There's a reason that I don't drink much, and it's because I don't like those stories and don't think that hangovers are usually justified by the experiences of the night before; particularly because I don't remember most of the night if I pass a certain point of drunk.
Now back to my previous post, really; my point is completely supported. I had a much better night last night with my Viking than I would've if I had been out. There's no point in spending a fortune on events I don't remember and don't always enjoy. I kinda wish that my Fresher's experience had been different because it would've meant I might actually remember it; might actually have got something from it.
With that clarified, now all I have to do is figure out how much I annoyed my friend. Oh gawd.
Oh yes, based on the Bugsy Malone song. What a champ.
I've always been one of those people who want to be exceptional. Always wanted to stand out from the crowd as pretty, as good at what I do, as someone you want to be around. This is why I think I need to have a few goals.
1. Run again. And not in that half arsed way of before. Properly. This means three times a week, minimum, no matter of the weather and no matter of what excuses I can come up with. The goal of running will be to get to the place my Dad and I marked out comfortably; then vary the speed (sprint from one lamppost to another, then jog as slowly as I can to the next one, etc); then talk to Dad about what to do next. The only problem is the hills and lack of footpaths in a lot of places, but I'm not here for much longer, and when I'm in Ireland there's fuck all around so it'll be easy to have a wee jog around the town either at 5am or 9pm. It depends.
2. Push myself with riding. Get more lessons on horses like Mac and get Shelley to teach me because I am fully aware of how good for me she is. Last time I rode him, it was possible to see the difference; from the horse who would pull against me and not trust me, into a beautiful animal working through himself and round as anything. It was a rewarding experience. I want to be able to figure horses out, at least better than I can, by the time I get to Ireland because I will want to impress people there. If I don't think that I'm one of the best people there (or rather, if they don't), I won't be as happy as I could be. And why would I want that?
3. Don't drink if I don't want to. Example: tomorrow I'm going for a meal and then out with Becca and Alice. I don't want to go out. I've spent a fortune this weekend and it's not like me and it's not what I want to do. To be fair, I've loved this weekend, but if I am going to go on an adventure instead of to the May Ball, I'll want to be able to afford it, as it could easily be expensive. So tomorrow, I'll probably leave early and I won't drink much. The good thing about being with people who are drinking a lot at the moment is that it's very easy to act like I'm drunker than I am. I don't like the feeling the next day. I don't like finding out what I've done; I don't like ending up feeling like the whole night wasn't worth it. That's what was so good about this weekend: I went out and had an amazing time with someone I don't spend that much time with and that was brilliant. So brilliant that feeling like shit the next day, and having to have a tactical before leaving the house, felt justified. I think I'll basically stop going out unless I actually want to: I'll be more like Nick, in that regard. Even if you're organised to go out, if you don't feel like it, then why bother? It's just a waste of money on a night which could easily just be shit.
4. Look, think and be happier. I like being happy. I have nothing to complain about in my life, either, so it's brilliant being able to just chill out and be happy. Because of that, I guess I won't be too bothered about people if they're distancing themselves from me. If people don't want me to know about them, then I won't ask. There's no point in me worrying about people I have no control over, and who won't worry about me in return unless it's because I'm wearing short shorts and am out with a male friend.
5. Be everything that I want to be.
The only thing in my way is me.
And that, readers, goes for everyone; I can't imagine much that people genuinely can't get around to further themselves and their lives.
Get on it.
Here's to the moments of perfect clarification. Ones in which you realise, or sometimes just remember, that although there are so many options in the world, the thing that you want is...........
Let me explain, perhaps.
I've had an amazing weekend. I went out on Friday with my friend Alex and his friends and my friend Lottie, and had a great laugh (that's where the photo above is from. I don't know who the guy is, but yano, he was there for a bit, an' ting). I went out on Saturday with Lottie and another friend called Georgie and we went to what was basically a rave which was absolutely amazing. We danced with Georgie's flatmates who are amazing!
On Sunday I got to see my man and relax. On Monday I accidentally went out again; I left mine with a friend under the false pretense of going to buy a pan for Rob, my flatmate whose pans were thrown out of the window by said friend a while back. We proceeded to get cocktails, drink half a bottle of gin each, and the rest of the day is a bit of a blur.
When I spend time with my Monday friend (inbetweeners moment) at the moment it's really nice, honestly, because we seem to be on the same page about a few things like the people in the flat and everything. For the past couple of times we've been talking we've had really nice conversations that have been quite in depth. I've really enjoyed them. We were doing this while lying on the beach yesterday, drinking gin.
Unfortunately, after this, he got pretty flirty. Again.
I'm fully aware that I am a flirtatious person. There is no point in denying it because it would be an outright lie. However, it is high time to, next time I'm drunk with him, say - essentially - "bitch, no". It's only fair, and all that.
So the moment that I've just enjoyed is the one that made me scared for a moment: would I cheat on Henrik with him if I was drunk enough?
Answer: No.
What a lovely feeling it is, knowing things like that. I like trusting myself more.
And I think I have my Viking to thank.
It's weird being in a relationship which is likely to have an end date. Of course, if it's the price of being with Henrik then there's not exactly a problem with it, because he is good for me and frankly at the moment I need him. But sometimes I wish I didn't know that it would end.. Even though it will be "getting back together as friends", rather than a breakup, it's still not an amazing feeling. But as I said, if that's the price of being with him, then that's just fine.
Having said all that, it's kinda clear to me that every time someone has thought that a relationship between me and him could last forever, I haven't, and I've ended up breaking his heart. Not that I feel like a bitch or anything. And anyway, there's a long time to go between here and then.
I can't wait to see him. Have him kiss me on the back of my neck. Have him bend his legs into mine when he spoons me.
Those are some of the every day moments that I just won't forget.
