Wednesday, 27 February 2013

Day 42.

Jesus christ I look like a devil.

Today. I found out that Radar had been cheated on by his woman; that one of my friends is entirely untrustworthy (I knew it anyway but it was shown more); and I realised how much I don't want to be in Aberystwyth - how much I need a break.

I'm exhausted of putting effort into friendships only to get nothing back. There's no point in me spending so much time working for other people's happiness when all I have to do is spend a bit of time with them and a lot of time with Deri and Nomad to be happy. They don't seem bothered whether I'm there or not, so what's the point in actively being there? All they want to do is go out and drink which is something I physically can't afford to do.  They don't understand that. When I say I'm broke, they assume I mean what they say: I have my parents on tap and actually no problem but it's fashionable to have no money.

But no, I can physically afford 2 more months (excluding food) then I have a serious problem. I need to find somewhere to move Nomad to as soon as I can, and find a job badly. This will be easier once I've moved him, when I can apply for jobs like cleaning hotels, but I haven't got the time at the moment because I have to be at the yard for 9 then have lectures. It's a tricky situation. That said, I bet that Deri would help me.... That's a point. He made me promise to tell him if things got too tight, money wise. God bless him. I am one lucky girl. I hope to God I don't have to do that.

At least I spent the night with my man. That made most of the bad stuff melt away completely.


Day 41.

Noey, Milo and Grant all being stallions together; the first time they've been out together in a while.

A day of lectures and very little else. Learned about tacking up for events, and rode Nomad after lunging him... He was completely spectacular. I was absolutely chuffed!


Day 40.

Victory: shot glass pyramid!

Cambrian quiz. Every week it calls for a never ending battle between me, Fe and Risby: who can keep the shot glasses so that we can make pyramids, as above. Boom. No single layer bitches for us.

Our team name was "sponsored by smarties" (the losing team gets smarties), but we didn't lose! Never been so upset not to lose. No real complaints though, let's be honest!


Day 39.

Nomad the stallion vs. Nomad the mature grazer. Never ending conflict.

Ngl guys; I have no idea what I did this day. Lectures, perhaps... But I can't even remember what day it was. These photos weren't even from it - they were the day before.


Day 38.

Cookie made Fe and I the best sundae ever :)

A day in which I had a lovely catch up with young Irishwoman Fe and ate copious amounts of food. She got me a cooked breakfast (American one too, got pancakes and hash browns and I'm gonna stop explaining before I start drooling), tea, coke and this sundae... Then we went up and sorted Nomad before I came down and saw the boy and whatnot. Lovely stuff!


Friday, 22 February 2013

Day 37.

Very, very loved up.. & ecstatic about it.

Slept in because Georgie did Nomad for me, then went up to Event Management where I had the best lecture because we were planning an event, it was awesome. Then Deri picked me up and we got Lottie, who we bought to the bottom of the hill to mine where we got my kite and had bacon sandwiches. Then we went for an adventure.

We drove down the Elan Valley again and showed Lottie just what she had needed to be shown because she wasn't at her happiest.

We stopped at the same dam we had before and walked across it, Deri educating Lottie and me about Wales and what was there as we went. Fascinating stuff.
On the way back across Lottie decided that she wanted a photo of Deri and I walking off hand in hand, so we ran across and pretended to drive off without her :)

We explored an old church that seemed haunted and romantically gothic. It was beautiful; Deri and I plan to go for a service there (not that I would understand anything really, apart from 'cariad' which is all I seem to pick up on and probably wouldn't be present much as it means 'love'). Lottie took our photo standing under an arch; damn that felt weird.

One of the best moments was reaching a fork in the road with two roads which could be driven down... Both of them were dead ends. We drove down one until Deri realised the other would be better, so went for that one instead. I have never been somewhere so beautiful. We sat in the car and each had a smoke watching the sun begin to set across a deep lake, light glimmering at the surface. It was stunning.

Driving back through the sunset we watched the sun illuminate hills to the colour of copper, excited for every next  turn.

Deri made me cry laughing by saying "are you saying I'm not the cutest girl in the world?" through a mouth full of cookie.

In the evening Deri and I went to a gig by the Budapest Cafe Club (I think??) at the arts centre which was amazing. Henrik was there with a French girl who was lovely, so we went to have a drink afterwards with them and had a really good time. Very chilled.
Then, free cider from Kyle the builder, a chat with Yogi about everything, and bed. One of the best days ever.

I do adore my boy. I told him a lot of what I thought that night, too. I can't believe I did that.. But I quite like that he knows. Now he knows that we're on the same page; it's not just him.


Day 36.

I ate a horse's head hehehehe

Today, I earned money by being driven around Aberystwyth and talking about how fantastic IBERS is.
I love being a student ambassador.


Day 35.

Happy thoughts on a coaster. Always good.

It's weird being with someone that you feel so strongly for. I know this because basically no one seems to affect me at the moment... I mean, I see pictures of exes with new partners and feel nothing but real, genuine joy that they're happy too and hope that they're as happy as me. It's fucking fantastic.


Day 34.

This is where I started lapsing with the photos.. My bad..

Most certainly can't remember what I did today. According to my calender, I gave in a book to the library about equine genetics. Cool story, innit.

(Don't worry, I'll get my writing mojo back soon as I actually know what to say)


Day 33.

Hey look I'm famous in Ludlow!

Got so far behind on these posts that I can't really say anything about the days. Got to see the boy again and had genuinely missed him. 2 days. I'm so gay for him (so to speak).


Day 32.

Hey, look, it's Pod!

Jolity in Ludlow. Taken on "beauty" setting on my phone, but he still looks the same...... Hurr.

Mum's engaged, by the way.

Ooh la la.


Saturday, 16 February 2013

Day 31.

Took this on the train. That damn cool.

Saw the boy all morning, then worked a lot on the way to Ludlow, where I met the family.

Lovely to see them. I turned into a food snob and drank copious amounts of wine and rum (fantastic moment when my mum walked into the kitchen with a litre bottle of Havana Club. Awesome.)

Fabulous, in all honesty.

Found out stuff.... It had more impact when I was drunk but it's still half shock.


Day 30.

I admit it: I was too busy being romanced and whatnot to take a photo. This is Ludlow and was taken on the 15th.

Doubtlessly the weirdest valentines day I've ever had.

Deri drove me to sort out Nomad then we arsed around and I've literally forgotten what we did. I know it entailed awesome stuff. (Probably)

After sorting the horse out for the evening, we went down to the pool bar on the pier and he thrashed me at a game. Then Henrik and his mum and sister turned up. It was really lovely to see them all, though I did find it slightly weird (weirder than Deri did, he was completely chuffed) at first. After they'd gone, Deri and I had another pint & a game of pool before heading back to Cambrian where we ate quavers and chili and watched Matilda and went to bed.

I love that boy.


Day 29.

 The boy in question.
 The boy in question being a "poetic wanker" (his father's words)
The beautiful Harlech castle.

Photo to follow because I have loads, just none with me as at the moment, I'm in Ludlow. Anyway. I was romanced today!

I got picked up from lecture at 11am, then taken on a drive through beautiful Wales, through the rolling hills layered in frost which sometimes sat directly opposite ones which were so green and lush that they could have been there in the middle of Spring.

We went down roads that neither of us had been down before, one of which went past a cute little stream and a few buildings. So we got out and had a look. It was a disused slate mine, with a pool of crystal blue water that the boy reckoned would be 50 feet deep. Leading to it was a river that ran under and over ground, so we hopped across it and I took lots of photos. It was fantastic, to be there with him and in that situation and doing those things. I adored it.

Anyway we then continued down roads which Deri was basically assuming were going in the right direction until we reached Harlech castle, in Gwynedd. Not far from his house. It was awesome. Huge, huge towers and a breeze so strong it nearly blew us (well, me, he's probably used to it being the hardy Welshman he is) off the top. We kissed in the wind and he made me laugh so hard it was completely ridiculous. I loved it.

His plan was to take me further North after that, to what is apparently the most romantic place ever... I guess I'll see it at Easter, when my boy will take me to the North. I get to spend 2 weeks at his, having a farm to ourselves, and a week at mine. I can't wait.


Tuesday, 12 February 2013

Day 28.

Pancake date with Miss Rebecca "Colston"

Bless Yogi at his birthday; gave out little place cards but put a 't' in Becca's surname.. But anyway.

Pretty good day. Woke up with the boy after going to his pretty late, once Becca had fallen asleep. Sorted the horse, went to lectures, rode the horse (he tried to get me off but I put my stirrups up one hole a few days ago so felt much more secure so gave him a good smack and told him not to be an idiot), then came back for a lovely little date with Becca eating pancakes, then Mel came round to say hi and since then Becca and I have been chilling. It's been nice, good to spend time with her in quite a casual way again. Definitely make sure to keep it up: definitely not letting her go far.

Finally got to speak to both my parents, too, which was cool. Still forgot to tell my dad that I potted two balls at once in pool, but I'm sure he'll survive. At least Pod knows (I can't remember if I said but I texted him at the time because not enough people had seen and I was proud of myself). Can't wait to see Pod at the weekend.

I've also arranged to see Henrik's mum and meet his sister on Thursday (probably), with Deri. It was sweet; H invited us both. Deri was really touched by it, bless him. I think there may be a bit of guy love kicking around there.

I've completely forgotten what else I was going to say, because I'm exhausted... So I'm gonna go ahead and take that as a hint that it's time to go to bed.

Night night.


Monday, 11 February 2013

Day 27.

Talking to the boy. No wonder I'm smiling like a goon.

To get off the phone with the boy, he thought one of us would have to tell the other to fuck off... Or tell a joke. So I said: "What do you get if you put arsenic on your cornflakes? ... A cereal killer."


Anyway. Yesterday went nothing as planned except for going out for Yogi's birthday at the end, which I can't even remember if I wrote about or not. Managed to get what I needed but didn't get home until 3, then left late for the yard so literally ran down the hill to get back in time to get ready and leave. Bit awkward but I did make the 30 minute journey in about 20 (including giving Nomad water and getting changed).

I got really pissed off by one of my friends last night. Deri realised and tried to change the subject and all, but the girl didn't realise what he was doing or that it was for the best (dumbo). She really wound me up so I literally didn't talk to her today. I think I looked at her twice.

I did get to spend a lot of time with Becca, though, which was lovely. She's a great person. It's now 9pm and I'm wondering if she'd mind if I went to stay at Dez laa's (one post and I've referred to him in 3 different ways, this is going well) though, because I'm never sure. She doesn't like being here alone but at the moment she's in bed and with her door shut so I'm not sure if she's ok about it or not. It's really weird.. She's hard to figure out.

She didn't even look at Deri last night, and treated me completely differently when he was around. Which is silly, because Lottie spent the night with us and found it really easy; when we're being too mushy or anything, you can just tell us to stop it and we do. I don't see what more a couple could do if they're actually happy being together, in all honesty. But there we go.

The next little while feels like it'll be a very defining time in which friends are worth the bother and which aren't. And I can't say I'm sure, either way. I hope that Becca works out that it's ok being around us together, and she will still get time with me.

On the good side, it seems she does still want to live with me (which was unexpected)... We'll have to see what houses and prices are like, though.

Anyway, time to shower, work, then hopefully see the boy.


Sunday, 10 February 2013

Day 26.

Good morning. :)

Aaand we're up to date again!

It's only 9am at the moment, but today I'm going to be quite busy so I thought I may as well post away. I have managed to so far wake up at the right time but not move, because I got distracted by this blog.

I had the weirdest dreams last night, a lot of them involving Deri in a way but at one point it was him, but I couldn't see him properly, he looked like someone else, who I don't know (and had an outline of a world map tattooed on his face, it was seriously weird).

Anyway. I'm about to go and do my horse (undecided if I'll ride or not: I want to, but don't really want to get wet, and it's pissing it down.... At the same time, he needs to get out because he hasn't been out of his box and can't go in the bark pen because he'd be silly and wind up horses Geoff Billington's giving lessons to people on. I'll think of soemthing, I'm sure. Poor pony; good thing his legs don't fill.

After that, I'll take a lil detour to campus for various things, then come back down the hill and sit in the kitchen working. My theory is that if I'm there, at least I am giving something to Becca and it's up to her if she accepts it or not.
I'll finish my welfare project then send it to my dad, then bell Fe and tell her I'm free to ride her horse (I'm hoping this will be about 2pm, I really should move).. because she wants me to jump it for her, which should be good fun for me. It'll also give me a chance to practice what I want to do with Nomad so I can be better practiced by the time I do it properly with him (I'm very out of practice).

After that, it'll be back to the yard for Noey before going home again to get ready for Yogi's birthday bash, which will be pretty awesome. I plan on staying at Deri's tonight too, because I get an extra 2 hours in bed tomorrow morning which would be lovely to spend with him. And seeing as no one else does anything but complain that I'm getting everything wrong, I want to spend it with him even more. He makes me inordinately happy; it's fantastic.

Have a good day, everyone: it's high time I moved my arse and got on with it all.
Big love.

Day 25.

I didn't wake up until 3.30pm... I think my body was trying to tell me something.

This is the best card that my mother has ever sent me, it made me piss myself laughing. I read it then ran upstairs to share the love with Becca - definitely worth it. I can't figure her out, but I'm certain she's pissed at me.

I keep trying to ring my Mum, but she doesn't ring me back.

I did, however, manage to see Geoff Billington (top level showjumper) give a clinic all about riding. He spoke about balance, about rhythm. Good tips (that I wish I'd written down last night but I was exhausted by the time I got in, it was pretty late).


Day 24.

Aberystwyth at this time of night is fantastic.

Taken while walking home from Lottie's at 1am... Legit.

Today, I met Deri's boyfriend Charlie, who's great craic. We got ridiculously drunk and all passed out at Dez laaaa's.

"I might leave you for Anthony. I know he's gay, but still."
"Not if I get there first."

"Please don't leave me for my dad."

"Why has Deri got a sock rail instead of a towel rail?"

Excellent night.

I also managed to pot two balls at once playing pool, but not enough people saw so I texted my brother about it. I'm sure he loved it.


Day 23.

Spent the evening at the yard, watching people jump. My camera's shit, but you get the idea.

The boy took me for a drive because we had some time before my lectures. We went to the far side of Ynyslas and I was most fantastically happy, as I often am with him. Those drives do tend to make my days better.

Went to lecture afterwards and found out Becca had been ill, so decided to give her space and stay at Deri's because she didn't enjoy me being there when she was ill in Colchester, I could tell. I'm not sure if it was a good idea but I did debate about it for a long time with Lottie.

Lottie was a generally lovely person all day (again), it was really great to spend time with her. I've missed the strange lass.


Day 22.

Proof that I actually slept in my bed.

I jumped my pony today! Lottie was there and I asked her to place poles and everything for me, and it was brilliant. He is a sweet wee man, just didn't entirely understand everything. We'll get there, though :)

I'm one happy horse owner. Lottie cooked me dinner and was lovely all day, it was great to catch up with her.


Day 21.

I have glasses! And a pout. Mostly the glasses. The pout will leave now.

Being able to read the lecture powerpoints in lesson makes life so much easier it's unreal! Happy Tuesday!

I went to meet a lecturer about what I want to do for my dissertation and she was fantastically supportive and everything, so now I'm excited. Have to remember that actually, it's a year away, and my other deadlines (like the one in 23 days) have priority. Good stuff!

Had a girly night in tonight, relaxing with Becca and Fe. It was lovely, was bloody tired by the time I went to bed though. Didn't sleep with the boy so as to keep everyone sweet. Somewhat unfortunate, but there we go. Roll with the punches; keep the important people near.


Day 20.

I must admit: this isn't from the day. Just made me laugh and feels relevant in a way.

In honesty, I've gotten so behind with these that it's slightly tricky to remember what happened on different days.
I will say this, though: having gotten a boyfriend, I want to spend time with him. That means that I get a more functioning relationship and it generally has a better chance for the future (which is what Fe pointed out yesterday: better to neglect your good friends than new boyfriend. Otherwise nothing will happen in the future because you were so busy you didn't bother). So, yes, I've been neglecting my friends a bit, particularly Becca. But the thing is that she doesn't give anything back. With Lottie or Fe, I'll meet them and they'll meet me: it's reciprocal. With Becca, she seems to expect me to do more but I don't know how, or what, and it's very difficult. I asked her the other day if she wanted to watch the rest of The Orphan with me but she answered in a way which studiously avoided the question (i.e., "no")... As it happened, I had Geoff Billington to watch, but that's another story.

I just hope that she'll meet me half way, is the moral to this story.


Tuesday, 5 February 2013

Day 19.

Picked the mould off the bread so I could have some toast. Student life.

Sunday, 3 February 2013

Day 18.

I love Wales.

The view you get as you drive over the hill from Aberystwyth to Borth. Spectacular; and this isn't even the best of it.

I spent the day driving around with Fe, exploring places and having picked up a wee 2m kite from Jon (who teaches me kite surfing) so that I can have a play with it. I got a lie in with the boy this morning, then left him to go with Fe, then stayed at his so met him again. Went upstairs and did some work, watched Inside Nature's Giants (amazing - seriously fascinating stuff) about racehorses then went to sleep about midnight. Lovely :)


Day 17.

View from Fe's yard, which may become mine after not too long.

Missed my lecture because I was too slow with the pony. It was behaviour and welfare; it wasn't that interesting last week.. Though that's terrible of me: I've missed a lecture and it's still the first week of term. I came back home though, and have applied for a job at Wetherspoons and blogged to my heart's content and, now that I've finished my lunch (making sure to eat properly because I've felt rough of late), I'm going to write up my notes for Equine Exercise Physiology before continuing with my project for Animal Welfare.

That's a weird project. We have to write about a welfare video and analyse it and all this. It's pretty interesting, the sort of thing I'm interested in, but one of the videos is about racing and it's utterly terrible. I mean, seriously. "370 horses are raced to death in the UK each year" (or words to that effect)... Ignore that there are horses that die naturally, especially thoroughbreds - just drop dead; or the horses that die in British Eventing; or horses that are abused through techniques like rollkur (below - hyperflexion of the horse's neck which is unnatural and painful) in dressage, and instead focus on the one aspect of the equestrian world which keeps it afloat, particularly in the UK. There horses are bred to run and they love it. Passionately. You can see it in any horse: put them in a field and tell them they're allowed to gallop and they will have the time of their life, nine times out of ten. Horses have their ears back because they're competitive and it's their equivalent of telling others to back off, essentially. They're not particularly distressed, not more than any runner who wants to win. Of course, they're housed in a way which could seem like it's not right because it's unnatural for the horse, but that's something that a lot of yards address (I'd know, I've worked on a few of them); and after racing, horses often have a fruitful life of being turned out, exercised casually as either stud stallions or happy hackers. Admittedly it is disgraceful that there is so much wasteage in the racing industry, but that is an entirely separate problem from horses dying in races. Horses die in races because the jockeys and they sometimes get it wrong, as anyone would know if they watched any sport. Horse riding is dangerous, as any rider or jockey knows. And because racing is done more often than any other big event, it's not surprising that it has a high death count.
Shape up.


Now that rant's over, I'll just pop in here one of the highlighs of my day (and it's only 2pm).. The boy texted me earlier telling me to leave Nomad's headcollar somewhere easy to find so that he could sort him out for me tomorrow and Sunday morning, and I could have a day off. God bless him, he is unutterably lovely.


Friday, 1 February 2013

Day 16.

Despite exhaustion, we have a happy Cait; incomiiiiiiiing...!

Genuinely one of the best days of my life.

I woke up in a simply fantastic mood after sharing what had been on my mind for quite some time. Deri took me to the yard then drove to CKs to get us sausage rolls and bacon baps, bless him. Henrik came up to meet Nomad too, though I probably should have warned him about quite how muddy it is at the yard. My bad. He did bring me Norwegian chocolate too, as promised, the utter genius. I've developed something of an addiction to it (I'm eating it now.. it's better than I remember; who knew that was possible?).

Deri came back and amused Henrik while I lunged Shakie for Kelly (she actually thanked me afterwards, I near had a heart attack) then I sold her my roller for a tenner.  Seeing as I paid £15 for roller, lunge line, side reins and cavesson- I'm pretty chuffed! I've spent half of it now. Ha.. I'm a knob end.

Henrik left and I finished off Nomad's stable and whatnot quickly, so by the time I was done we had 2 hours to spare before I had a lecture. Deri decided to show me some more of Wales. We drove towards PJM then turned right, I can't remember where too but it was utterly spectacular. As Deri pointed out, Wales has a fantastic contrast between light and dark most of the time, so it is inexplicably picturesque. He showed me waterfalls, rivers and an old mill house and promised that we'd go back to explore the building. I can't wait.

We came up with random ideas about travelling, where to go, what to do, and that's just within Wales. The things we come up with would truly be amazing... My favourite at the moment is riding through Wales, knocking on a farmer's door and asking them if we could pitch a tent and leave the horse[s] somewhere. It would be unutterably amazing.

He got me back to campus, dropped right outside Llandinam where my lecture was, with 20 minutes to spare before my lecture. I joked that I would be late because I'd get lost, then got lost, which made it much less amusing. Good thing he kicked me out of the car, to be honest.

I had much less fun after the lecture because we did Stats until it was time to see the horse, then came back for lecture, and then did Stats again. On the good side; I won't feel bad about skipping the lecture as it's utter balls; and stats is now completely done. Well, until we get going on the next assignment.

I was completely exhausted and drained by the time I got home: I went straight upstairs and lay down before coming downstairs again so that I could have something to eat (solely because I felt so unhealthy that I felt the need to put something vegetable and tuna related into my system. Neat trick.)
I went to Deri's afterwards and fell asleep on him almost immediately; he realised how serious I was when I said I was tired and immediately insisted that I would get straight into bed. He put a movie on to keep himself amused and I just about made it to the opening credits before falling asleep. Just what the doctor ordered.


Day 15.

Tired and haggard may not be my best look.

Wednesdays are pretty decent from a timetable perspective. I rock up to the yard for about half 8, have Nomad done by half 9, then toddle onto Penglais so that I can go to lecture. It's my favourite lecture on Wednesdays: Equine Performance Science. It's all about training and how the body reacts to it and everything related, which is amazing! It's exactly what I'm interested in and taught by a lecturer that I really like. Couldn't ask for it to be better!

After that I did Statistics (near done, at last, wahoo) before sorting out Noey and going to bed. Felt like death, so it was a relatively early night... Not early enough, though. I need to give myself a chance before I make myself ill.

But in other news.. I told him today. Yeah, really. I can't believe I did that, but I did. "Walk don't run" has kinda gone out of the window... But I don't think I'll ever forget his reaction.

I caught him completely off guard. He was lying down but snapped his head up and looked at me, right in the eyes, as always. He said it back then lay back down slowly.
"I wasn't expecting that."
Made me smile.

Later I ask him what he's thinking. "I believe you."

I think we're on to something here. I just need to rein it in: I said it when it had been less than a month that we'd been seeing each other. I told myself I wouldn't but I felt like I physically wouldn't be able to hold it in. Sure that's showing something?
We're both in deep. But I think we're in deep on the same boat and it's staying afloat. (Heheh rhymes).
Fingers crossed.
Head first, fearless.


Day 14.

A Tuesday in paradise. But my flowers died; boo.

I can't remember if I even mentioned the flowers. I got home from Colchester, where I had been with Becca for her birthday, and there were white and red roses waiting on my pillow for me with a note from Deri saying that he had missed me. I loved it. ... May they rest in a flowery type of peace.

Double business in the morning. I didn't realise quite how wrecked I am until I physically couldn't keep my eyes open through this. It's not the most interesting lecture but I usually make a decent effort at some notes... This time I made myself feel sick because I was trying so hard to use sugar to keep me awake, and didn't do much else. After the lecture I went to PJM lounge where I literally fell asleep trying to do Stats. Early night that night.

I think I might need a break.. The Sunday off near missed the mark.


Day 13.

Ooh, look, Panorama.

I must confess - I actually took this at the same time as the one of Becca yesterday. I've not been in much of a photographic mood, so there's a level of improvisation going on at the moment, it must be said.

Anyway... Lucky 13.

Lectures started again which meant 11 - 5pm with a one hour break.  Luckily we end on Llanbadarn which means that I can go straight up to sort out young Nomad.

He's going to have to move house: I really can't afford Lluest any more. I couldn't to begin with, but I was hoping to have got somewhere with a job by now.


Day 12.

I tried playing with the settings on my camera. I am yet to discover the point of this one. It's just made me kitchen look almost but not quite backwards.

I spent all day in bed. I read a bit of To Kill A Mockingbird, then cuddled up with the boy, then went downstairs and had a massive fuck off roast.. Then went back to bed. Fantastic day; just what the doctor ordered.


Day 11.

Dirty socks.

I've been keeping up to date with the photos (mostly), just haven't posted them... Oops. Though I confess, today I didn't take it because I was hungover and grumpy most of the day. Standard Saturday.. (well, sort of. Something tells me I should be doing this differently).