Sunday, 30 August 2015

I don't sleep between 3.30 and 5 any more

I can't quite remember when my last post to this was and for some reason I'm not checking. I think, however, that it was when Deri's dad came off his bike.
Since then, things have been difficult.

I'm impressed and proud of my partner's reaction as he has been there for all of his family and they couldn't have done it without him.
But the things that he saw, like the cleaning of a tracheal tube, have left him with PTSD and a whole lot more besides.
His Nan is also very ill which is awful. She's been slowing down and getting worse for 4 years now but now it's actually coming to a bit of a close. Good timing there...

It's awful seeing someone you love go through things like this. You are completely useless. The things you think might help are completely irrelevant and there's nothing you can say. You just have to carry on, wait for something to change, be there ready if they want to talk. I feel heartbroken and miserable because I love the family so much; but also like I have no right to be so because it didn't happen to me - I'm a step away from it all. It makes me feel unbelievably selfish even though all I'm trying to do is be there for him and not have a mental breakdown while I'm at it.

The way I realised that D has PTSD was because he completely lost the plot at me (this was the final sign, there had been some leading to it too) one night. My dad had come over and taken us to dinner then when he left Deri laid into me about anything and everything he could think of. I've never been so miserable or angry as that night. I kept walking out of the room and crying and shouting back but as far as he knew nothing was happening - he said afterwards that he felt like he was half asleep. At least I know how well he knows me because he did attack every angle that would've invoked a reaction.
It started by him pressuring me into talking about how I'd been feeling these past weeks then staring at my like I was an idiot and saying "toughen up mate". Then he made me feel like I didn't care enough about him. ....... Lots of things.

It has been since that night, I have really struggled. I have tried very hard but that night in particular was awful, the day after just as bad (though I have never seen anyone so apologetic in my life) and since, since hasn't been as bad but it's been something of an uphill struggle where I haven't known what to say or do or how to even be in my own home because I hardly know how to talk to him.

Today we're meant to be booking a holiday to Malta for the start of October. Is it awful that I'm honestly just terrified something else will happen? Something will stop us from going just as soon as I get all excited about it. Honestly I don't think this is as much of a worry for him because I don't know if he can get excited about things at the moment. I don't know if he will. I hope he will because I'd like him to feel something other than either exhaustion or misery but I don't know if he trusts anything in the universe at the moment. I don't. It feels like everything hates his family and that's the most unreasonable thing in the world. They're all so kind and lovely, they don't deserve this shit.

I guess this is erring on a prayer.
I prayer for a break, for them. And selfishly for me; but I don't need anything as much. I have a wonderful support network of friends and family who are caring for me in my time of need fantastically. I'm just having to be careful with how much I say because I think they're all bored of it now.
I pray that Deri will let himself feel what he needs to instead of constantly putting up barriers to avoid it
I pray that Nansi and Jacquie recover from what they've seen and have the people around them to help them.
I pray that Pete carries on recovering.
I pray that the world gives these kind, kind people a break

And yes, being selfish, I pray that nothing stops me going on holiday with my soulmate, too.

Wednesday, 22 July 2015

Ducking Universe.

I know I haven't written in a while. It's not really something I feel I need at the moment, not any more. But right now, I can't think of somewhere better to shout and scream and rave.

There is someone very special in my life, whom I love more than I could possibly say. You might have heard of him, I literally can't remember if he's in any of my posts or not.
But his family have had such a streak of bad luck that I can't even fathom what to do. I admire and am proud of his reaction to everything, but I can't help but want to scream at the universe. This family DOES NOT DESERVE THIS. They are good, kind, considerate people - all of them, or the generation I know at least - and I hate that these things are happening. They're all out of their control. And it is so fucking unfair. Everything happens for a reason but also bad things happen to good people. It changes them. I know because I'm sure that my landlady is a now-angry, good person. I don't want this family to change. I love and admire them. But I hope to heaven that everything works out because this is so not what they need, have asked for, deserve, anything. I hope to God that this gets better because I know they need some light in their lives.

May He have mercy.