Honestly Honesty.

What I'm not sure I can say to you. Words slightly edited, i admit.

B:
 and why aren't you asleep?

C:
I appear to be failing at such a task. The vster came over all serious.. He's asleep and i can't now

B:
everyone seems to be failing at it, is the vster okay?

C:
Yeah, but doesn't know if we'll last next year; we won't necessarily have time for each other /:

B:
:( I really hope you do last it, and to be fair you always made time this year, and it just as busy next year as it was this year, so i would put money on it that you stay together. He's probably just stressing about exams and everything, so thats why he mentioned it.

How are you feeling about it?

C:
Well next year he'll have more work that he'll take more seriously.. And he wants to continue with his socials and sports, also be fencing social sec, also will apply for being chairman of the IPS winter ball.. He sees everything as something towards his future and because he doesn't see me as a long term part of that, no matter how much i would want to be, so i don't know why i'm surprised. I don't think he realises how much i care for him though. I don't know if he can. I hardly know what i mean to him sometimes... But that's not really the point.  I don't want to stand in the way of his life.  And he won't let me.

.....

..That's something i can't explain to him- he imagines that we can be friends after our relationship but i wouldn't really be able to watch him with someone else. I just can't quite imagine it. Or rather i can, and it's crap :P

........

The thing is i don't know what i'd do, how i would react.. I don't feel ready to lose him, especially going by how much i cried when he said it, hah.


((and now telling you this, i feel bad. I feel bad that you'll take this as pressure or something. Not that you necessarily would, but.....don't. It's not the point))


B:
you shouldn't have to imagine it. Right now he is yours, and even he doesn't believe in 'love' or want to say it ... he seems happy with you, and you are very happy with him. Also he really wouldn't like the angry Rebecca that would banging on his door demanding a full explaination as to why you are in tears. And i think if you cried that much anyone even a heartless bitch would realise how you deeply feel and how much you care for them.



((Sorry about that.))


C:
We are both happy.. And yeah, he is mine :) .. Everything you've said seems very logical (you feeling alright? ;)) .. I guess i just always get scared by this stuff. I don't like letting go of people, after all. It's why i forgive so much.


((I have no idea if this post is a good idea or if, by the time you check my blog, I will have taken it down, because I decide against letting you know - or maybe against letting you read it rather than hear it. But thinking about it, things will have to fuck up pretty royally for you to get away. I want you around, and I'm not sure i could do it if we weren't together. So let's not take the risk quite yet, shall we?  Of course if it doesn't work out then thank you for preparing me for it, because I didn't think that there was much of a chance.. But I like to think you've figured out how I feel about you, and how little I want to let you go, and I really hope that you feel the same... <3
I think it hit me so hard because while you were thinking about the end, I was thinking about the future.  If you would be the first man I lived with; if we would do that in or out of uni accommodation the year after next.. I know last night i mentioned leaving and going elsewhere and studying. But it's an idea, a dream, which I wouldn't do. Can't give up.  Anyway.  Slightly different ideas; made the other ones a bit more of a shock to the system.  But we shall see; there's only one way to find out, and I hope that we give 'us' a chance.  And I hope that if worst comes to worst, I can let go of you enough to stay friends with you, because you really are pretty amazing to have around.  I can only hope (well assume, as you wouldn't necessarily keep me around otherwise) that you think I am too.  I don't feel like I've been there for you, like I've thought about you enough.  Possibly because you actually let me be selfish; let me think of myself and show me that it's not the worst thing in the world, unlike people have before.  So I'm sorry for that.
I hope that we can get through this, but know that if we weren't to then it wouldn't be the end of the world.  Though I would miss you, a lot.
I've run out of words now.. So I'll leave you be.  You're lovely. x.))

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Day 266 (revisited)

Someone asked me to tell them more about Jack and me.  I don't really know what there is to say...

Well, we started going out properly on the 15th of April, but were practically going out since the 12th, when he met my dad, grandparents, and mum all in one day.  After that day we spent all of our time together, basically.  Except Sunday morning, because I was riding.  Even though he is lovely, horses still win.  However, he would give them a good run for their money - so to speak - if he so wished.  Which I hope he wouldn't or he's a liar =P.

Maybe I should talk about the Oli/Jack cross over?

It seems like it's close.  But not really.  I found letters about a month ago which I wrote to Oli but never gave to him, telling him that there was a problem, and naming half the reasons we broke up.  I gave them to Oli afterwards, and when he read them he texted me telling me how he still loves me.  Eff off, I must say, but that's irrelevant.  I wrote a date on those letters.  The first was the 13th December.

I also remember showing Oli a text that I wrote about what I thought.  I can't remember what it said but it was basically that I didn't know that we should still be together.  He took that seriously at the time, and only at the time.  i remember Jack later saying that he didn't understand how Oli could not react to what was in the text; I'd shown it to Jack before because I'd needed to talk to him about it.

Before I showed him that text, I was falling out of love with him.  The only thing that was keeping me with him was that I wanted familiarity; to know someone was there...even though I didn't talk to him about much by that point.  Jack knew more about what was going on: about what I was thinking about Alice (yano, the ex-bestie) and any problems with Kati (though i can't remember if there were any at the time or not..=/)

Jack had been my best friend since the begining of Febuary.  It wasn't immediate, mind you, but since the first of Febuary we spoke to each other every day for ages.  When I was trying to break up with Oli I only went so that I could speak to Jack, in fact.  I got so bored of it.  Oli was saying, when I told him that I liked Jack (I did do that; he didn't take it seriously, started slagging off everything about him.  It didn't work because it just made me think of how much I love about him: his voice; the way he looks; his hair...hehehe.  Little did young master Roberts realise..) that we just needed to, uh, do stuff, and everything would become better.  I said no.  And I think that's the only time.

When I still technically had a boyfriend was Millie's party, which I spent a lot of time lying on Jack in, and talking to him, and wanting him and everyone else to just evaporate, leaving us together.

God, this isn't making much chronological sense is it?

I think - and anyone who reads this and knows do correct me if I'm wrong - that Millie's party was on Tuesday; I tried to break up with Oli on Wednesday; and Oli and I finally broke up on the Friday.

I gave up on Oli because he wore me out so much on Wednesday.  He made me angry and sad and just made me want to be with Jack.  So I left and went to speak to Jack, really really winding myself up as I spoke to him and Kati (who as I remember were both being lovely and I love you both for that), so that I would pace around my room, my eyes full of tears of burning hatred; wasted time and burnt out seemingly blind love.

The Tuesday was brilliant; I, as I said, just wanted Jack for most of it.

The Friday I remember.  I think I saw Jack.  Did I?  He still lived in Worthing then so it's possible that I didn't..  What I remember is sitting at my kitchen table and talking to Jack and Kati and thinking "enough is enough".  I left my house and went to Oliver's.  He had not spoken to me all of the Thursday or Friday, having begged for me to stay with him on the Wednesday.  So I was a bit annoyed with him.

I don't remember the walk to his at all.

I remember he said "I think I have some stuff left at your's." Which hurt.  It's a really blunt, horrible thing to say.  I remember him then wittering on.  I remember my eyes lighting up at mention of Timatron.  I remember leaving his and going to my dad's, spilling ten tears then leaving again.  That was it.

I remember that night, wanting so desperately to hurt something, myself, and cry desperately, just so that I would stop feeling so numb, so nothing.  i remember Jack wanting to be there for me.

Before Oli and I broke up, a deciding factor came along: Jack telling me how he felt.

That was on the Wednesday I think.  I think I went to see Oliver afterwards and when I was thinking of something else and kissing Oliver I decided that was it.  I know I thought of something else.  And screw it, I'll say it here: Jack.  I was thinking of what it would be like to be kissing Jack instead of my ex.

Throughout most of my life, people haven't really said "I want you to be happy."  That day (this is why I think that Jack told me on the Wednesday), two people said that they wanted me to be happy.  And one of them meant it.  Oliver said something along the lines of "I want you to be happy if that's with me and no one else."  Jack said "I want you to be happy and if that means me hurting then fine."  Or similar, at least.  That was one of the things which made me feel stronger.  That was one of the things that helped me break free of my cage of my ex.  His caring for me.  Really caring.

God, I still love you for that, I gotta say.

Anyway, it's late and I have an exam in the morning, so I'm going.

Let me know if there's more you want to know, Jacinth.

Or anyone else for that matter.