Monday, 18 June 2012

Photo Forty Seven

Time flies when you're exploring

Hi guys!  Sorry about the silence; but I've been really freakin' busy, and haven't had a lot of internet access so haven't been able to bog much.

So I've been working at Castle Leslie in Ireland recently, which is so far an amazing experience which is inspiring me to work everywhere that I ever want to.  I've fallen in love with a horse called No Name (so not really called anything, but still.  I call him Nomad, but I don't think it'd stick) and would love to have him, but I'm not sure that I'm a good enough rider; he's not cantered with someone riding him yet, so is very very young and has only been sat on ten times.  Less than, really, Dermot (who trains him) said.

It's a lot of work here, but it also is inspiring me to remember that horses /are/ what I love and what I want in my life.  I'll have to be sensible and driven and work hard and, I can imagine riding Nomad from place to place in America or the continent of Europe - or both - until I find someone, something, that makes me want to stay.  Marry an attractive farrier which would save on bills and be a few friends' fantasies, ahah.

I guess that this experience, working and living with girls who are really lovely and working on a yard where I've always wanted to be, is just reminding me of my previous blog post.  I'm really happy that I'm able to remember what I want and I'm going to do it.  The only problem is that I can no longer be bothered with university; I'd rather get going.  I'll complete it, of course, but the concept of the future is so exciting!

We'll see.  I look forwards to riding from place to place...... I'll do it at least once, promise.  :) <3

Sunday, 10 June 2012

Let's get it started....

Over my time on this planet I've changed a huge amount.  I have gone from the stroppy introverted teenager to someone confident and I like to think full of beans; to someone who was a shell of whatever they were; to someone who now sits in the small, beautiful drawing room of Castle Leslie and wonders how on earth she ended up here, like this.

"Like this" is, right now, slightly lost and lonely because this is the most isolated I've been before.  I've been in a hundred different places (well, at least 3) but I've always been able to use my phone, or computer, at all times.  So I've always had the world around me available... Until now.  It's a short walk to the wireless network, and being in a foreign country I don't use my home phone, obviously.  I think this could be good for me.  I miss the Viking a touch more than I had done already, but when I get working that may subside.
The thing with not having wifi in the house is that it means I can't skype or anything, because I wouldn't be anywhere private enough to warrant a conversation which would disrupt other people.  This is half a good thing, if I'm honest, as Skype with Certain Parties would not be a great experience.

I know and recognise that recently, I've come a long way towards what I've wanted to be, by wearing "out there" clothes that I like; by being happy; by being confident; by throwing myself in at the deep end and swimming.  I just manage to find it weird that I can be like this and yet so different from what I imagined.

Ditching Teenage Fantasy Means Ditching All Your Dreams.

When I was younger I never imagined anything outside of my life apart from horses.  I imagined being the youngest person to compete in Hickstead; being successful; being rich; winning.  Since being older, for a long time I only wanted to fit in.  I wanted to stand out from the crowd as a character, as a person that you might want to know, as someone beautiful... But I forgot all about the horses, the dream.  I just wanted teenage normalcy.
And if I give that up, I'd feel funny.  I'd feel jealous of the people who are going out all the time, having fun, despite the fact that I'd be doing what I've always wanted to.  No, it doesn't make sense to me either.

I think it's about time for me to grow up, and stop wanting to just have nights out.  I think it is a much better idea for me to focus on what I actually want.  Maybe that means that at uni, I'll get a horse (be it bought or loaned) so that I can work with it every morning and go to bed early instead.  That'll mean a dramatic lifestyle change and it would probably put strain on my relationship with Henrik.  It's things like that which could hold me back: once I have strain on that relationship, if it fell through then I would want to go out more and would be less satisfied spending time in, especially because so much of that time would be on my own, if Becca was going out.
I'm just not that great at being alone all the time.

I guess we'll have to see.  But in short, I don't want to forget about my dreams.  And it seems like this summer is one of the best places I could be starting.

Friday, 8 June 2012

Photo Forty Six

Look of the day: Jordan's jumper & the shorts I'm in love with, alongside odd facial expression and large bags under eyes.

The night before last was a good night.  We went out, had a pint at Pav Tav, went to Poundance, then went to Jordan's at 2.30 am with Amy for no real reason.

Jordan is probably one of the most sound people I know.  We were close (...) when I met Chris, but he wasn't in the right place mentally and I have no doubt that we would've ruined the friendship if we'd gone there.  But that's another story.  Chris messaged me yesterday.  That was weird.  I had a brief moment of "maybe I could talk to him again" before reading the penultimate message he sent me last semester and promptly changed my mind.  What he said still hurts me.... So not worth it.. And that's that, really.  I'm surprised the thought even crossed my mind; it was probably just because my friends are all friends with him now.

Anyway, I spent yesterday chilling around, wearing the above, oh so sexy outfit, and packing.  It was actually pretty good - Patrick and Amy came round for a while.  I've spent too much time with Amy.  I'm not interested enough in what other people do and how it affects Amy to really be good conversation with her, if I'm honest.  But yano, I get my break again now, so all I have to do is not overdo it next time.  I don't think I'll be staying that long in September, I'm not interested enough.

I got a brilliant drunk call from Dai last night claiming how much he misses me, which would've been even more amusing if I'd been able to stay awake properly, ahah.

Today, we were up at 5.30 and I made tea.  We left at 5.55 for the train, in a taxi, and got to the station in good time for the train.  At the airport, I checked my bag then got worried because I didn't think I'd be able to manage it on my own.  I need to make sure that my bag isn't too heavy on the way back, because it was on the way there: we had to take stuff out and put it into Mum's hand baggage.  Damn inaccurate bathroom scales :/

The take off was one of the most unpleasant I've ever sat through.  I don't usually get nervous, but the plane was rocking on the ground because of the strong winds, so in the air it was horrendous.  Luckily, once we were above the clouds the wind was fine and I fell asleep relatively promptly, after a few pages of The Woman in White.  (I maintain: damn good book.)

We met Nana and Norman at the airport departures and ran some errands and whatnot before coming back to their house.

And now, it's time for sausages.

How exciting!

Sunday, 3 June 2012

Photo Forty Five

A guy I met just the other night pointed out that I get a dimple only on one side of my face.. Who knew.

What's good about the time I have in Brighton at the moment is that it's making me realise a lot.  I don't miss my Viking as much as I expected to, which makes me realise that I'm more independent than I thought; I have seen about 8 people down here outside of my family, which makes me realise that I was right when I thought that no one down here was really worth it; I've been hit on more than expected, which makes me realise that actually, maybe the Viking tells the truth when he calls me pretty.

It's really nice to be able to feel like this; that I'm strong and who I've wanted to be: who I've thought I should be.  It makes it easier to make conversation with strangers (like the people in the queue for a bus home after Fat Boy Slim last night); makes me enjoy being dancing around with complete strangers despite being entirely on my own.  (Dave and I went down to dance then he left and I danced with some random lads, one of them let me on his shoulders which was awesome ^,^)

It makes me all the more excited for meeting new people in new places over the next few months, too.  I can't wait. :)