Saturday, 25 October 2014

Thinly spread on wide ground

So recently, I managed to get a new job. It starts less than a week after I finish at this one, means that I get the weekend of my birthday off, and it sounds brilliant - will train and fund me for my exams, help me train Nomad - everything I want. I'm chuffed.

The only problem is that because I finish here on the 1st and start on the 5th, I don't get much of a chance to see anyone. Deri and I will get a weekend together which I'm excited for every day except for today (only because I'm exhausted and sad that I feel like I'm letting people down) because it's something we both need - time to ourselves, away from it all.
Then on Monday, my birthday, I will be going to Brighton, leaving Oxford at about midday, then will have to work out how to see my mum, dad, brother and a, I hope, a few friends while I'm there.
Because my parents aren't together, this takes two sittings. Luckily, Pod can be at either or both; it's just tricky to actually see them for a decent amount of time-- and now that I have one night, it'll be even harder. I don't know how to keep in touch with people properly any more! Here's to hoping that I don't lose the remainder of my friends or diminish the relationship I have with my dad.

I guess what I need to do is just take more time. Because you can't squeeze relationships into the gaps left by other things, not rally. Each relationship needs it's own time, dedication and space. I just don't know how or when I can give my wonderful family the time they deserve. Fingers crossed that I get Christmas off.....!

Roll on the biggest days.
Nos da.

Sunday, 19 October 2014

"Go for a walk, open your heart, and see what pours out"

I love you.

I'm excited for what you will bring me and how you will make me feel, especially if it's always like this.

I wonder what it's like, being so 'used' to someone that they don't give you butterflies or make you smile all the time or something.... But I don't know if I've ever seen it. The best couple I know in the world are my aunt and uncle and they still laugh and love each other. It's changed so much since they've had the boys, but it's definitely still there. Moments when they just catch each other and smile; moments when they're relaxed on the sofa and she rests her feet in his lap. I find it beautiful.

I don't think you'll ever really stop giving me butterflies. It's already been a year and three quarters, after all.
I hope it never happens. I hope there'll still be the time when we see each other after a while and I can't help but smile and walk faster towards you; I hope there'll still be moments like when you stopped in the barriers at Brighton station because you saw me, and had "forgotten how beautiful" I am.

I miss you when you're away. It's been a whole week today since I left yours and I miss you so much that I am sad and lonely in this big flat with its ticking clock. It probably didn't help that today was the first time I felt like this flat was busy, with three other people in it, all laughing and joking all day. But I'm kinda sadder without you.

My boss said that it might be easier for me to make friends around here if you weren't here because none of the local girls are in long term relationships and that made me so, so sad. I don't want to seek single girl friends much any more because on average, I have less in common with them than I used to. I want to make friends that you'll be friends with too; I want us to make friends, not me to make friends. I think that says a lot about us and how much you mean to me.

I hope you're never bored of me. I hope you're never dissatisfied with me. I hope, I hope, I hope, that it works out for us because I can't imagine ever being able to find someone I could feel like this about who isn't you. I can't imagine coming home to anyone but you (and perhaps our future dog).
And I don't want to.

I can't imagine things getting between us. I suppose, you never can. My dad did once say to me: "divorce was never part of my plan". If course it wasn't. Tt never is; but you never think of it like that. I know that problems will come up but I just think - and hope - that we tackle our problems the way that we have avoided them before, by talking it through and addressing it and being completely honest and open with each other.

I love you, I want to be with you; and I hope you want to be with me too.
I hope that me moving nearer to you will mean that we get to do "all the stuff", as I keep on so eloquently putting it. I know you know what I mean.


Wednesday, 15 October 2014

Would you believe me if I said that I forgot my password?

I didn't. I just sort of ... forgot. What can I say? I've been busy! It's been a big year. A hard year with lots of working and dedication and exams, but also with graduating (2:1, hons, thanks ;)) and job starting. Like, proper, full time job. I think it's my first. Working two jobs while doing my dissertation was definitely not easier.

I'm a hunt groom at a private yard at the moment. For those of you who don't know, that means looking after 9 horses for a family rich enough to not do it for themselves. Dubious. I must have them well turned out and presented for hunts, which for me has included spending my first two weeks cleaning and cleaning and cleaning. I felt like everything was dirty. Now, now that I am leaving, it is spotless. D'oh!
It was a trial that I came here for, of two weeks, but there was a pretty mutual parting of ways after the two weeks were up: I didn't want here and here didn't want me. So that's an ok way to end your first job. Now, I have a day trial lined up for next week. That'll be funny because I'll be exhausted beyond belief - the family are hunting three times next week the trial is between the second and third. I might explain that when I go because I think I'll be a little heavy-limbed, to say the least.

It's kinda one of those "happened for a reason" things again, though, because this way, I can live with Deri again in a part of the world that I love doing a job that will give me a bit more training and guidance than this one, which is what I want and need at the moment. So see? It does all happen for a reason. Even if it feels like shit and you don't understand it at the time.

I keep on yawning so much that I feel like my head's gonna split in two, so I should probably go instead of continue blogging at 2am for the sole reason that I got a comment asking where I'd been. Thanks, whoever that was. But I'm going to go to bed (again) now. I promise I'll post a slightly more prolific thought than "I have a job, ooooo" next time.
Nos da. X

Tuesday, 14 January 2014

Dot Dot Dot.

For  the first time in my life, I rolled in the new year this year without even considering resolutions or changing myself. I saw it as my anniversary and not as much more. I love that.

But over the past few days I've started to worry that I don't know what to do when Deri's stressed. He's started talking to his ex again, who is also a mate of his (...he says, sometimes) and I, the queen of winding myself up, am slowly winding myself up that they'll meet up when he goes to North Wales, and she'll know how to make his life a better place about the stress and whatnot.

I also know that actually what he wants to do is just get on with things, help other people doing stuff and be practical. "Up and doing" is what he likes. No person can help him with that he just wants to be around people who would need him so that he can be there for them. I know in my heart of hearts that it's a null and void worry.
It doesn't stop me though.

I guess I'm just terrified of losing him. In fact, I know I am; I don't know who I'd be without him because we have all sorts of plans and I love  him more than I've known I could.
I'm scared.
It feels so pathetic. I've always been the one with the upper hand who could walk away at any time (well, ish - there's always been call for a recovery period but I'm sure you follow overall), so this kind of dependence scares the crap out of me. And because I know how serious this ex is, and how much he loved her..... I get scared.

The song that he couldn't listen to because of her he now can because of me: it's changed all meaning for him because he loves me.
"Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone" is now written about a different girl (though I really wish he'd never told me that he'd thought it about her because it kinda ruined the song for me. I mean, really. Bumole.)

....I should really be more relaxed and confident because my boyfriend thinks the sun shines out my ass and is really goddamn lovely. I just can't help being scared because what if the loveliest man in the world meets an ex and suddenly remembers exactly why he loved her and forgets why he loves me.

It will all be okay; I just can't help but worry a little bit.