Thursday, 26 April 2012

Photo Thirty Six [L Is For.....]

Well that's today's photo... and now for something completely different.

I have, in my time, met a share of people, and all of them seem to be surprisingly, and somewhat irritatingly, similar.  All wanting the same thing; all seeing the same thing in me; all using everyone and everything around them for their own personal gain.  Not in a life-furthering manner, though; simply so that they can get what they want right now.  Eve is a perfect example of that; she spent a long time convincing me that Oli was using and abusing me, only to have it thrown back in her face when we managed to get through the whole situation, mostly due to how forgiving I am.  That wasn't a fun time in life.

Anyway.  I've used the word "love" before and I haven't meant it.  I chuck it around like anything: "oh, I love you for that!"; "I love chocolate" - whatever.  And in those situations it doesn't mean the same as the kind of love which means ... love.  Relationship love, that which occurs between a boyfriend and girlfriend.  And I told my boyfriend recently that I love him and I don't think he knows what I mean when I say it.  So I thought it would be best to explain it here and now.

When I say love talking about friends, I mean that I think they're pretty cool people and I'll have their backs when they need it.
When I say love with regard to someone lending me money or doing me a favour, I don't mean it.  Not really.
When I say love to my Viking, I mean that he is, or at least will be, my best friend.  That he will be the one to know the most about me.  He's the one person I will cry against, especially because he lets me by holding me close to him.  He's the one that after six months still makes me smile just by being there; makes me happy; gives me butterflies, which is genuinely a first after this long.  He's the one who can make me feel like I'm being torn apart from the heart outwards.  When I say I love him I mean that he's a lot to lose; and that I don't want to lose him, or the lot that comes with him.  Especially because I have so much growing up to do and he's the ideal person to push me into doing it.  Because I'm not there yet; not quite.  I kinda need him at the moment.  Need to have him help me believe in myself enough to do all of the things we've spoken about, from traveling to making life happen.  After all, there's not enough time to sit around wasting it.  Goddamn, when I say I love him, I mean this:
(Even though I think it's already been posted.... it just clarifies a lot.)

I don't see next year as much of an issue because I won't be expecting so much of him.  I won't be expecting to see him every night and that'll make me appreciate the time that we do have together more.  As long as I know he cares, I don't see a problem.
For me, problems often come when I don't feel cared for.  Or when I'm out of my depth... But that's another story.
Anyway, I'm not ready to let him go; and there's no way that we're splitting for no reason.

That wasn't really the point.  But I don't know what was.  Maybe I was trying to define love... But I don't think it's something that's possible, in all honesty.  Then again, I've said "love" to a lot of people and just haven't meant it.  I told Alec that I loved him because he pressured me into it; I told Jack that I loved him because he expected it of me.  Oli I meant, but it still took me a while after it was said to mean it.  Chris... I don't know.  I bent over backwards to keep him happy and I'm not surprised that he cared for me because of it.  But I don't think that I did love him; I just preferred peace to war.  I got peace if I put the work in; I got war if I stood up for myself.  That is the place that I'm happiest that I am not any more.  And I don't think I would go back there; I am very different to the child who arrived at university with an almost impressive lack of knowledge about the world around her.  I think that means that I will behave differently to that girl.  Not least because she was damaged goods, having been made to cry by her ex boyfriend so many times that it was painful; having lost desire to be in control because frankly, when she was in control, she got shit wrong and she couldn't stand the blame.  So there we go.  If you can understand that.  If anyone can.

Oh my this was meant to be my nap time.  Instead, I've eaten quite a lot of chocolate spread and written all of this.  Oh well, I still wanted to say it.

Nap time & just a touch of revision now, I think.
Big love.
Just not quite in the way it is for 'the V'.

Thursday, 19 April 2012

Photo Thirty Five

i know it's out of focus, but i really rather like it <3

It's amazing how scared I get sometimes. I'm scared that I care for the Viking more than he does for me. I know that it's not true because it's just that we have different values; different perceptions of the importance of certain things. Like love. I see it as important, as a statement of what I feel. I wish I wasn't scared. I'm actually not, I actually feel quite excited about everything. I'm just hoping that I can have Henrik in my life for, well, ever (which is not something I say often; I don't believe in 'forever' much...) and if I'm not in a relationship with him then I hope that I can find someone who makes me as happy as he has the ability to make me.

Anyway, that is so not the point.
We went to Ireland and got back yesterday. It was amazing, I had such a fantastic time. It was just what I needed, and it was so good to get to spend time with my boy.

On the evening of the thirteenth, I saw Frank Turner live with Pod, which was beyond amazing! We then went to Scroobius Pip, where I got a hug and a photo with him - it was fantastic! Did get really rather drunk though, it must be said.

Anyway. On the fourteenth, we arrived in the hotel and quickly left to go and have a Guinness in the pub down the road. It was a pleasant journey; Ryan Air really doesn't seem to be as bad as people make it out to be.. Though maybe that's just because I'm short enough for the seats.
The hotel wasn't the best thing in the world, but we paid less than £132 for the hotel and the flights over together, so we got what we paid for and I'm not complaining really! We hardly spent any time there, anyway.

We woke up early on the fifteenth to give Henrik his present related things & say happy birthday before getting out quickly. Little did we realise that nothing in Dublin opens until midday on Sundays, so there was no real point in having gone so early. It did mean that we got to tourist information early, so got a map which meant we could look around Trinity College and Oscar Wilde's memorial garden, and get something to eat, before going to see the Book of Kells. It was open on a pretty good page, too, with two drawings.. Very pretty. We then went to the Guinness Brewery where we looked around before having a pint in the amazing Gravity Bar, which is at the top of the huge Storehouse, giving a 360ยบ view of Dublin. It was pretty cool, to say the least. I then pulled my first pint, which was ever so exciting.. Though Henrik didn't approve because I got too distracted by trying to make a shamrock to push the lever instead of pulling it for the last bit of the pint - tut tut! I did get a certificate though, ooah!
After, we went for a plate of Nachos before wandering around looking for somewhere to eat. We found this really nice place called Kitchen which did a deal of €20 for a 3 course meal; I don't think you can get better to be honest! I felt really ill during it, probably because my body is so fail of late, but the waitress was really lovely and put my meal into boxes for me to take with me. She put H's desert in one too; and even gave him some raspberries, which I thought was lovely of her :)
We then went back to the hotel and chilled with cuddles and TV (ooh, wild!) until we went to bed later.

On the sixteenth, we checked the bus times and whatnot before making our way to the Jameson distillery, where we got free glasses of Jameson and H got to taste test it, which resulted in an exciting old certificate! We then got food and wandered around a bit before getting the bus up to Hillsborough to see Nana and Norman. It was really lovely to see them; I was really glad to see how well they're doing and how happy they seem together. We had dinner with them, Gilbert, Carol and Muirgan, which was also lovely; I had a really nice conversation with Carol while H was charming Nana and Norman in that way he seems to have. She seems very happy to be with Gilbert; very looked after and cared for, which must be really lovely given that she used to be the one doing the looking after. Seems something like me, oddly enough. Well, I assume that's odd; I don't know.
Anyway, we went to bed relatively early and slept separately, which felt really rather odd to be honest, but it was definitely worth it to keep N&N happier!

On the seventeenth we walked around H'borough and I took him for a walk around the lake, and we decided to..explore a forest hah. Good times! We then walked back to N&N's for lunch before going to Belfast for a Black Taxi Tour which they paid for. It was amazing, really interesting, just a shame that we didn't have longer; if I'd realised quite how good it is then I would've gone earlier!
From there we went to Dromore, to see Katy, which was really lovely. She made us a really lovely meal and it was great to see her and spend time with her. Same applied for everyone, really!
Norman gave us a lift back then I made it apparent to him how I feel about him..

On Wednesday, the 18th, we left early and spent the whole day traveling and talking and, in my case, kipping on him. And that night, I told him how I feel about him in so many ways. And I'm very glad that I did. I said it to Alice today: now, if I get hit by a car, then at least everyone I love knows that I love them!

Now I would just like him to toddle back from town, because I'd like a cuddle! :)

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

Photo Thirty Four

Two days until I go home
Three days until Frank Turner
Four days until Ireland with my man.

I really, really can't wait!

Especially now that my work experience has been basically confirmed... That means that my summer will be amazing, going from Ireland to Spain to Norway to Brighton (maybe) to Bestival to Wales again.
Life is so exciting, especially when you put your mind to it!

Thursday, 5 April 2012

Photo Thirty Three

I miss when we used to spend ages in bed. When, that one time, he had to leave to write his essay but still every time he went to he came back. That was an amazing day. I miss ... I don't know what it is. And I feel really bad for feeling like this because I know that he has stuff to do and it's entirely selfish of me to want him to myself, but I just kinda do; I can't help it. I just wish we did make time for one another every now and then, just so that I could remember that I'm not as crap as I'm so good at convincing myself I am.

It's annoying because it's so unfair on him and i know it. Why the hell should he spend all his time pleasing me. I just miss him, I guess. Would like him to show he wants me some more, because he can say it plenty; words are just words.

Okay now enough of that.
He makes me happy and I like it when he gets back into bed, when he should be going but gets back in to give me a cuddle. I like that he wants to do that. I like how he looks. I like how he dresses. I like that he wants to sleep with me every night. I like that he wants me to be strong in myself. I like how much he cares for me. I like that I know he cares for me, even if I sometimes don't believe it. He's an amazing person. I just wish I could appreciate it all the same, because I recognise myself taking advantage and not appreciating him as I should.
Though he is so sensible that I sometimes wish I'd met him later. Though if I'd met him later, I wouldn't be changing in the ways that I am and all of those are beneficial... They're all good for me, showing that I'm ok, showing that I'm stronger than people used to tell me.

Oh I need to chill out. I'm not being myself. I'm being a crappy girlfriend thing, being all clingy and crappy and selfish. I think when I'm doing what I want to again, I'll chill out a bit... When I go out again and ride again, because it's been ages since I've ridden... (I say that - it's a week tomorrow - but still)

Deep breath.....
Now breathe easy.
And look forwards to Ireland... Because there's no need to complain so much about one of the things that makes you one of the luckiest girls in the world. :)

Posts like above really annoy me because they're things that I have to get off my chest and have to write, but don't make sense.
I do appreciate my man. He makes me happy by doing basically nothing, it's kinda lovely. I just miss him. I can't wait to go to Ireland with him. It'll help me relax again, get a break and get out of here and be beyond free. I can't wait :) <3

Tuesday, 3 April 2012

Photo Thirty Two

Hello :)

This is me having made my very first Dino Dinner... Or rather, my very first roast. It wasn't bad, but the gravy was too thick and potatoes were cooked under the meat, which I didn't compensate for time-wise. But there we go.

So, new stuff? There isn't much really, let's be honest. Apart from the fact that I've been ill for a couple of weeks - had a bladder infection which might actually be my gall bladder (I might not need antibiotics much, but when I do, I do it properly. Just like when I go out drinking.......) so I've been suffering a bit abdominal pain-wise. (/burning martyr moment)

I'm really excited to go home for a day, then go to London, then go to Ireland. Because I'm only home for a day, I have no obligation to see people I don't want to see, which is amazing and cuts down the emotional ties that some people (Not to sound big headed....o,0) seem to get to me sometimes. I do, however, get to see my dad when I arrive, then Kati, who'll come to a family barbeque, which Craig (my brother's friend who's a proper beauty, such a sweetheart, looove him. Ever since I did a dressage competition .. I mentioned it the day before, then he saw me the day after and immediately asked me about it. Such a sweetie.. that does nothing, takes no effort, but still means quite a lot. Bless himmmmmm) will be at. It'll be really good. That's on Thursday the 12th. It means having to get the train at 7.30am, but I'm sure it'll be worth it - and I'll be pissed as a fart by the end of it.

On the 13th, I'm going to London (for about £4 - wahey!) to meet Dave for pie and mash (I love pie and mash. My favourite restaurant is near London Bridge station and is a 50s diner; it doesn't even have a toilet. The only choices you make are how many pies, how many scoops of mash, and whether or not you have parsnip gravy. Dave did make me try jellied eels there though, and I swear to god I nearly vommed. Eurgh). We're then going on a boat ride which is down the thames, then comes out of the river and drives around the streets - or something - it sounds proper awesome. Thennnn I'll be meeting Pod and having munch and starting to drink (heavy couple of days. Awesome couple of days. Awwww yeyuh) before ... FRANK TURNER! LIVE! IN WEMBLEY STADIUM!!! Bloody hell, I'm so excited. He's honestly gorgeous. I love that man, I'm not even kidding. Anyway, after that, I'll be going back to Dave's again to crash out (which, I feel, will be much needed ahah)

On the 14th I spend the day with my moma before meeting the Viking in London (should probably organise that...) and going to Dublin together! Aha I'm so excited. It's my first holiday without the 'rents, being free to do whatever we want, whenever we want. It'll be amazing, to be honest... Especially because last time we spent time together we got on so well. I hope it'll be the same again, it'd make it even better :)

I've no idea when we'll be coming back. We've not booked tickets home. We stay with my grandparents on the 16th so it'll be some time after that, but not sure when yet.. How exciting! Eeee. Happy Catface :)

That Viking does seem to be a pretty spectacular person. I know I get obsessed with boyfriends every time. I always try to find "firsts" to share with them, and have a good time.. But this time I'm not trying. Just enjoying. I mean, I try to make sure that he's happy and that if I can do something to make him smile then I always will, but he's the first person who appears to be happy just because I am; happy because I'm being myself or holding onto him in a certain way.... Yesterday it seemed to be me holding onto his shirt to pull him nearer. Oh so adorable, he is.

There's No Stopping Us Right Now; I Feel So Close To You Right Now.

The feeling of this kind of happiness is so amazing. It's all the better because I've stopped feeling so horrible and so sorry for myself. It's like when the sun shines through the clouds for the first time in days; the sky is blue and the world feels like a new, beautiful place which is somehow worth all the hassle it can put you through, all of a sudden. It's got to be one of the best feelings ever. I just can't wait until the pain completely goes, and I can move freely and do what I want to - like roll onto my left to face the Viking (we always lie the same way, he's near the wall and I face away from him) and hug him so tight it's insane. The moment I can do that again will be a very happy one.

I don't think I have anything else to say, really. I mean, I could say a lot more, but I just don't want to; the next thing on my mind is my Dad and I'm worried about him.
Oh screw it, it's happening: He didn't get fired the other day (there's a long and complicated bit which goes with this, but basically it means that he can't do a lot of things that he'd planned to) so now is feeling down. We were on the phone a couple of days ago and he said that I kinda hated it; when we said bye, it was clearly so that he stopped talking to me about what it was that was getting to him. I'm kinda grateful that he realises I couldn't cope with it (grateful makes it sound like I don't know that he knows. He knows me inside out, not least because he knows everyone like that; he's very good at reading people. I've tested..!), but I just wish that he wouldn't have to. I pray that he is okay soon; that he at least thinks of a way around it all.

Hmm. I think that'll do. Time to dino-down and have a shower before going to bed, I think.

Big love, beautifuls :)