Wednesday, 26 December 2012

Well I Wonder.

If you still read this, I will genuinely be taken aback. I don't even know if you'll know who I'm writing about. You're clever enough to, but that doesn't mean that you'll realise... Oh screw it, I'll just make it clear: you, Beast. The reason I haven't spoken to you recently is because I am partly ashamed and upset over what happened between us. I know that you know why it did - I was clinging to you because you have always represented something amazing and comforting to me. But I hate myself for how I handled that. Handled you. I wish we'd either left it, be that for longer or forever, or had started it earlier. I changed your life in a day, twice over, I think. I am beyond sorry. And I hope I made that clear at the time... But it's also partly because I can imagine you saying to your lady friend that I contacted you, and I no longer know you well enough to know what you would be saying about me. I just remember the look in your eyes and smile on your face when you told me that she had contacted you; you'd had a strained conversation and then thought you put it to bed...That changed. Anyway, today I had a little spiral. It started by reading the note that you once left outside my Dad's house on your way past one morning and made me absolutely beam as I read it. Then I thought... I wonder how he is. Then I thought... I wonder how he was. I even looked at our DailyBooths... they're brimming with memories. I remember how many awesome times we had together, how much happened and how much could have happened. I remember you telling me about Tam (no one who reads this will know who I mean) on the way home from school one time; and I'm sorry that I wasn't more there for you... Goddamn, one of the most apologetic posts I think I've ever written. Basically: I miss you, how we were together, the laughs we had. Hugely. And, I'm worried about you. Please, whether you want me near you or not (and believe me I understand why you don't/wouldn't want me to be), keep your head about you. Remember what Tam made you feel, the first time you saw him at Reading (yeah, I remember). And maybe consider what you're doing. You could do so much, change the world in so many ways... Don't throw it away. Of course, have fun, enjoy yourself. But you're fucking clever, funny and witty: there's a lot you could do. I'd say this to you, but I have no right to any more. I doubt I even really have the right to post this, but it's my blog and I think we all know how much goes on here. I hope to god you see this. Even if you don't say anything, want anything to do with me.. Just know that I miss you; that I'm more than sorry; that I hope the best for you no matter what you decide. Bring joy to the world. X

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Fond enough to be scared.

You seem like a very sound person.  You make me laugh so hard I can't talk, you're affectionate, you're sweet.  You're a little bit short but I really don't give a shit.
You partly remind me of JMJ and of JB.   I'm not sure how much I like that, but it seems to be the best bits of at least one of them.  I think you might be clingy.... but I can deal with that.  I think.

I would like to better know you.  I would like to find out if the face that I'm looking forwards to getting back to Aber because it means seeing you is because it's you, not because it's someone like you.  These are the things I will never get past.  I will never get into a relationship or whatever without wondering this.

Talking to myself but never listening.

I will always, without fail, wonder whether or not I'm going back to old habits or whether I'm falling for the person.  I tend to put the best people in "the friend zone", which I think happened with JB, but there we go... I bet we can see what happens well enough.  I just know that I'll be scared, and will force you to take it slow between us.  And it won't become "facebook official" for a while to say the least.  I don't want people to know about me at the moment, and I don't know why.  I think that's kinda a sign when it comes to you; I told you so much, so fast.

I keep trying to say flaws with you ... I think that's a sign of my defences being raised just a wee bit.  That's not fantastic... But whatever, we'll see.

Fingers crossed and hopes conserved... Head first, fearless.

Monday, 10 December 2012

In this city.

I know a guy who I thought was one of the most genuine, wholesome people in my life.  He's engaged to a girl he rarely sees, who studies in Switzerland.  He doesn't see why people would sleep around and cheat and be disrespectful to their partners in that way and I honestly respected that so much.  I would never be able to survive a long distance relationship like that and I was impressed that he could, with such love in his words, with such dedication to his partner who he honestly was in love with.

And then I find out that he's fucked one of my mates.

Not just once, no.  Twice a day.  Routinely.
And he initiated it.

Now all of that, everything that he told me, seems completely redundant.  It's one thing cheating on someone; it's another having a full on affair.  I had such faith in you.  I believed you.  I believed that you respected, loved and cherished a woman for everything that she gives you and makes you feel.. But seriously.  You should make a decision and talk to the poor woman.

You're going to go and visit her soon, in 5 days I believe.  What's going to happen then?  Will you repeat to her that you love her; or will you tell her?  Will you break up with her, will you tell her honestly?  You're the kind of person who would feel like shit if you didn't tell her; if you stayed together.  But does that mean that it's something you'll live with, or are you actually edging towards being a man?

Goddamn.  I know who it's with and how you feel about her but honestly... "I would like her, if not for my fiancĂ©." That's what you said to me.  And now it all feels like shit.
I never expected myself to care this much.
I guess I never realised how much I thought of you, how much I respected you for doing what I know I wouldn't be able to.  I was impressed that you thought that highly of a single person, that you could bring yourself to admit that you knew who you want to spend the rest of your life with.  I was impressed that you would see people in a different way, that you could be called gay by your female friends because you had no threat of a male predator nature to come with you.

Goddamn.  What happened?  Did you just give up, or was it something bigger, something more?

At least I know why you weren't texting me for the past while.

Peace out; Stay out.