A lot seems to happen all at once, then I can't be bothered to blog, and when nothing of note is happening I'm perfectly happy and content so don't feel the need to.
It's been weird recently, because none of my friends are particularly doing anything, but Deri keeps wondering if there's something on my mind because I start looking like I have it; and I think I keep looking for someone to talk to. I don't think I've ever been that good at only having one person that I talk to about everything. I don't think I've really ever had that to be honest; not one person that I can tell absolutely everything.. I've usually had something that I've needed to confide in other people. Chris, Oli, Alec, Jonny... I don't think they ever knew everything. The closest that they got was if I gave them this blog and most of the time I ended up changing the way I wrote because I didn't want them to know everything.
I'm scared. I have all my eggs in one basket, almost, because my friends didn't want anything to do with me when Deri and I got together so most of my friendships are now on a much more superficial level. I don't have friends in Aberystwyth that I can confide everything in... I don't have friends I see up here who listen to me. I'm there for them and they don't even know if something's wrong. I've usually been someone with quite a few friends around me, ones that I can tell all sorts of things to. This is a weird change.
That said, I'm sure that I could ring Lottie if I needed her properly. And Fe.
It just feels funny that Deri and I are so close. Like so, so close.
On the way back home to Aber we stopped overnight at Deri's grandparents' house. His nan is ill (I can't remember the word for the life of me right now, but basically had a stroke and hasn't been right since - she's losing her power of speech. It's amazing how aware she is of everything, she just can't communicate necessarily. Sometimes Deri can call her or her neighbours can come round then she can talk fine; but she can never talk to his grandad normally; and he finds that horribly hard...) Anyway, that was an amazing experience. I've never known love like that. 60 years together and Joan said "I'll just go and see how he is" just, literally just, before her husband called for her from the kitchen. A kind of telepathy. I think that Deri and I could end up like that and that terrifies me.
What I wouldn't be able to deal with is what followed. His granda talking about how hard it is to have the person that you love unable to talk to you.
It's fine because I know that I have friends who will be there for me and Deri who I'm 80% sure would actually drop everything for me. I do adore him. It's just scary, sometimes.
Well world, let's keep going. Stay excellent.
"What about you Joan, what do you want to be when you grow up? Happy? Say happy."
Monday, 1 April 2013
My horse enjoying the view from Tal-Y-Fan
Seeing as I'm completely failing at doing this daily (I don't really know why, I'm not actually doing anything, just seem to be doing other things all the time...), I'm going to just keep counting the days but have massive gaps in between them.
I haven't been myself for the past couple of days. I think since Deri's parents came back... They bought Deri, Joe (his brother) and me presents of Toblerone and cider back from France. I've never in my life felt so welcomed into a family. It makes me so happy, makes me glow that they like me enough to think of getting me a present while on their holidays. However, it also makes me so, so homesick. I've not been home for a long time and not seen my family since mid February, and goddamn it I want to. I tried to convince Deri to leave earlier but he doesn't quite understand how much I want to go home; he wants to finish his essay first, so he can give the books he's using to his friend, but that means that I still have to be here until Friday, and get home on Saturday. That's only a day early. He says he knows what I mean when I say that I want to go home but I'm not sure he gets quite how homesick I am. It wouldn't be as bad if I wasn't in such a lovely, welcoming and warm family, homey environment. But as it stands, I want to be in my lovely homey environment. I want to see my Dad, lie on the sofa chatting shit while watching CSI. There's nothing like going home after being away for a long time, and I desperately want to be able to do that now.
I love it here, don't get me wrong. The mountains I'm staring at as I write this are unutterably breathtaking, and the opportunities I'm getting from having my horse here are amazing. The family are the nicest in the world... But there ain't no place like home, and the level of missing it that I'm experiencing is putting a strain on me, which is making me get tetchier with Deri. I don't want to do that, he doesn't need to have this taken out on him. I guess it's something that he just doesn't understand, no matter what he says.
God bless him; but I hope I get home soon. I hope I get rid of this feeling, because it's going to take a toll and I'm not sure what on yet.