A deep breath to begin.

It'll take a huge amount of getting used to and moving on from and I may swallow these words, but I am looking forwards to being friends with him. It could be a great friendship, truly. Not kissing him or squeezing his hand when he makes me smile, and not trying to make him smile by doing things I know he thinks are cute... That will be hard at first. It will take some getting used to, I am sure.

But it'll be worth it and I feel relatively sure of that.

The thing is that I never usually suffer for the greater good, or under my own volition. Usually it's due to other people, not a choice rather something to be avoided. So when I think of that it seems to make sense that I don't want to let him go (of course how good our relationship has been does help, too, but is hardly the point right now). I do love him, I think, but I'm sure that'll turn platonic over time. There's no reason why that would go away immediately. I hope that the person I knew as my friend before we were together is who he really is as a friend, not someone who wanted solely to get somewhere with someone. I don't know that he is like that to all his friends - i'm not sure that I'll be able to text him an have him turn up an hour later, after his lectures, when I get a text from my ex boyfriend that I don't know how to deal with. But I'm sure I'll still e able to talk to him about it all. Tell him who is new in my life, who i'm interested in, hear his judgements. Interesting stuff.

I just need to learn to let go; but be aware that the door is still open and we're still a solid, goo pair, it just so happens that I'll probably be making enies of his girlfriends (because seriously, how many girlfriends of my friends like me?) - instead of being the girl in question.
As long as she's good enough for him, I guess it'll be ok.

I wonder what will happen. If I'll be the hate friend; if we get together again some day; if he's the hate friend of my boyfriends. Or if I'll for once get a boyfriend who is secure enough to not get that jealous, which would be nice!

Oh who knows. The only way to find out is to live it.
One, two, three, deep breath, jump.

Oh You.

I remember meeting you, thinking you were awesome.. Shuffling by my fridge and drinking martini. Then getting to know you, because you decided that we should.
I remember how much you've always made me laugh. How well we get on, how great it was to go on little walks with you through the night.
I remember kissing on the ruin. Where you took me for my birthday, lit a candle and fed me cupcakes. So romantic. I remember you caring for me when I was over tired and you bought me strawberries and a cut up orange in bed.
I remember this week. How we bounce off each other and interact and make each other laugh and smile. I've not had this before really, and it's starting to seem more and more like we're not even falling at the first hurdle, instead just giving up when we see it approaching. Because maybe it would work. Then again, maybe I'm panicking. I guess I'll let you know when I see you again, I guess, because I think if my heart jumps like it did when I saw you in Oslo, I'll have to talk to you.

Then again maybe not? I don't know. What's confusing me is that I imagine in my future relationship, the 'forever' one I guess is what I mean, being like us. Connecting and interacting like we do. So I guess that right now it just feels crazy to give up on what feels like what I want.

I've no idea how you'll react to this though. I don't know if it'll freak you out (though be aware, it shouldn't), or if you'll think twice or think I'm crazy or stop thinking I'm rational... But it's probably worth saying, just in case it turns out that you think the same, or something.

Let me know,
I'm not saying decide now, justly be we shouldn't close the door, I guess.

As I said, I am a little confused.
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