Saturday, 24 November 2012

& By the way.

In case you were wondering, which I'm sure you weren't (I doubt you even read this any more - why would you? ... that's not the point)

I miss you like fuck.
We were amazing.

Looking through the photos reminds me... It was so easy.  It's a shame.  I still know that we wouldn't have worked this year, but it's a shame.

It's a shame that you said we wouldn't last after university.  Because if you hadn't said that I don't think I would've given up.

I think I want you.

Well not you.  Not necessarily.

Just the banter, the flanter, the bouncing off each other (sometimes literally, hah).  The laughter, the jokes and the drunken kiss which I wouldn't let properly happen.

Unfortunately, it can't happen when it's you.

Firstly, you were with her.  And that's just... she went through a slut phase, which is fine, but it is a bit of a shame that that phase involved you.
Secondly, you're friends with him.  So if I went with you, I'd feel like I was being passed around.  I know it's not the case, but it's what I would think you 'lads' would say.. and I am so not down with that.

You just remind me of what I want; the flanter, the fun.  It's nice.

That then reminds me of what I want in the next person I'm with... I want them under my skin.  I want to be able to relax and joke around like that with them, but I want to care so much that I don't mind if I bend over backwards to make the other person... But I need the person to be willing to do the same in return.
Pretty similar to Henrik and I were, let's be honest.

I was talking to Becca about this the other day, yano.
We were talking about love and how you know if you feel it.  We decided that because we had to think about it so much, we didn't know what it is.
I now think that the person that sets your soul on fire is the one that you love.  And I'm not inclined to think that there would be many, if any, more than one of them.  I'm just so excited to find that person, to feel that fire.  I've still got a while to go, though..  I'm going to travel to Fiji this summer (if I can! I've applied for a VESA trip which would be amazing) then work and learn and expand myself.  Pleanty of chances to meet the man who'll set my soul on fire, and meet some others along the way of course.  The next one doesn't have to be the one, but I'd sure as hell like it to be soon.

I'm gonna have to be picky though, and go for what I want, and make sure that I say no when it's necessary.  Take my bartender, for example.  He asked me for a drink.  He's a lovely guy; I'm kinda in love with him anyway, but not in that way.  I adore him, but not as someone to have a relationship with.  His grammar is terrible and he still lives in Aber after many years.
I need someone who wants to live, to explore, and to take each adventure as it comes.  I need someone that I'll kiss spontaneously under the stars, someone who'd hug me better when I'm sad, someone who'd run a marathon just because they felt like it, or because they knew it would make me happy... And someone I'd do the same for.

I'm excited to find it, and that excitement makes me interested in not settling for anyone and just enjoying everything.

Be spontaneous; be beautiful; change the world. x

Thursday, 15 November 2012

"So why do you ride horses?"

There are so many answers to this question that I don't know where to begin.

Firstly we could go for the historical one: I always have.  My parents got me a rocking horse for Christmas when I was three, and it all went from there.  We found a riding stables, I liked the wrong one (that said, where would I be in my life if not for that place, etc) and I stayed there for about seven years.  I just enjoyed it and still do.
I used to use these bad boys Chestnut Ridge Horse and Rider Playset (Google Affiliate Ad) and similar in all my spare time.. and Playmobile. Always playmobile.

Secondly there's the power.  The feeling of harnessing a horse's power and manipulating it in order for the horse to do exactly what it is that YOU want.  It's spectacular.  That animal could kill you, and instead it's doing exactly what you want in the way that you want.

Thirdly there's flying.  Jumping.  One of the best experiences of my life was when Ray, my last instructor, tried to get me used to riding with stirrups at jockey's length.  I jumped a four feet high fence (about 1m20) while like this.  I felt as though I had put myself in the right place then waited for the horse to catch me up and carry me over the fence safely.  It was fenomenal.

So then maybe, "why do you shovel shit? How can that be fun?"
It's not.  No one likes shovelling shit on a day-to-day basis.  It's exhausting, too: I've been getting up early since the beginning of October and I'm shattered.  When I have days off, they're spent in bed.  But the thing is, that my horse, my Nomad, is completely worth it.  Every morning he recognises me and says hello to me, and every day I'm grumpy he can cheer me up, and every time I'm already in a good mood he can make or break it.  And because it's him, the times that he breaks it are so few and far between that I barely remember when he does; or he manages to make up for it afterwards.

Therefore.  I ride horses because I have control, because I get taken away for miles (both by their speed and by how high and far they can jump), because it's a loving connection that you build between you and your horse, and because they can change your mood just by being there.
Like a boyfriend?
But more predictable, easier to read, and can be loaded off on someone else if you can't be bothered.

"Anonymous said...

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I would actually consider letting guests write, it must be said. Watch this space, I suppose, I'll let you know.

Also, to the other anonymous: Apologies that my posts aren't getting longer; I'll work on it when I can!

Friday, 9 November 2012

Coming out of hibernation (probably)

Sorry about the lapse in posting, guys; I've had no internet of late and feel a bit funny writing personal things in the library at my university, hoping that no one's looking over my shoulder.  Anyway, I never realised how many people actually look at this blog let alone like it.  I feel honoured; thanks.

So what's new?  Well for one thing, I'm 20.  Yeah, 20.  That's pretty old.  But to be honest, it's going well.

For one thing, I'm seeing someone (sort of; it's all very relaxed and basically what I want right now - espentially nothing but cuddles available), who I think is good looking and I get on well with.  His friends are also awesome which means that when he's dicking around, I talk to a ginger guy with the weirdest side fringe known to man, who is really rather amusing.

For a better thing, I have the horse.  He's hard work, it takes a lot of dedication and love but it's worth it at the end of the day: I love the animal and am willing to spend my time and energy on making sure that he's well and happy.  It gets hard though, and I do miss having weekends without having to arrange specifically what to do with him.  It's a shame because the yard I have him at expects the horses to be done by 9am every weekday morning and 10am every weekend.  And to be honest, sometimes I just want a break.  And having a day off doesn't work that well: I get a day when Georgie (who has her horse Milo there) and I organise it, so far it's been Wednesday, but that's only one day and it feels different because it's not actually a weekend.  I can get around that, but I have been a bit late to the yard before, which means that I've been fined £5 for about 10 minutes more sleep.  Ridiculous.  So I think I'd prefer to have him elsewhere, but if I did then there would be significantly fewer facilities and people to ask for help, so it could be difficult.  Therefore, I think it's probably worthwhile to just put up with that and keep with the professional, trustworthy help and excellent facilities - !

What else?  Friends are cool.  Becca and I are sound (touch wood, if it's necessary) and it's awesome living with her; we seem to get on well and give each other as much space as we need, really. It's ideal because we haven't actually needed to discuss it as such, we've just kinda fitted together.  For example we've decided that toilet roll, bread and milk are communal and so we take it in turns buying them.  It makes life very, very easy.

Anyway, having spoken about strict deadlines and horses, I need to tend to both right now.
Speak to you all soon.
Keep shining. X