Saturday, 2 January 2016

The greatest time of change in any one person's life

... It's got to be the past ten years. If not, then the past 7 and it'll continue for 3 more; but I find it remarkable how much I have changed.

Aged 14 I had my first boyfriend (see early posts on this blog, CRINGE); age 16 I had my second. Thought I knew it all, thought I was able to understand the ways of the world and how to deal with things that were far out of my ken. Where I would now let someone deal with things in their own way, I decided that it was my way or the highway and tried to force my decision of "how to cope" on this person. For that I must apologise. As a 16 year old with nothing particularly challenging in their life, I thought I was wise; then I couldn't cope with the can of worms I'd opened. So honestly, sorry.

As I've "grown up" there have been times when I've been obsessed with feeling like I know it all. Been arrogant and said "yes yes of course I know" rather than letting someone explain something I don't necessarily know that well. I now feel more humbled by the people around me and the experiences they've had than I ever had before. I feel less know it all and less grown up; and like I'm kind of a better person.
Long may that continue...

Sunday, 30 August 2015

I don't sleep between 3.30 and 5 any more

I can't quite remember when my last post to this was and for some reason I'm not checking. I think, however, that it was when Deri's dad came off his bike.
Since then, things have been difficult.

I'm impressed and proud of my partner's reaction as he has been there for all of his family and they couldn't have done it without him.
But the things that he saw, like the cleaning of a tracheal tube, have left him with PTSD and a whole lot more besides.
His Nan is also very ill which is awful. She's been slowing down and getting worse for 4 years now but now it's actually coming to a bit of a close. Good timing there...

It's awful seeing someone you love go through things like this. You are completely useless. The things you think might help are completely irrelevant and there's nothing you can say. You just have to carry on, wait for something to change, be there ready if they want to talk. I feel heartbroken and miserable because I love the family so much; but also like I have no right to be so because it didn't happen to me - I'm a step away from it all. It makes me feel unbelievably selfish even though all I'm trying to do is be there for him and not have a mental breakdown while I'm at it.

The way I realised that D has PTSD was because he completely lost the plot at me (this was the final sign, there had been some leading to it too) one night. My dad had come over and taken us to dinner then when he left Deri laid into me about anything and everything he could think of. I've never been so miserable or angry as that night. I kept walking out of the room and crying and shouting back but as far as he knew nothing was happening - he said afterwards that he felt like he was half asleep. At least I know how well he knows me because he did attack every angle that would've invoked a reaction.
It started by him pressuring me into talking about how I'd been feeling these past weeks then staring at my like I was an idiot and saying "toughen up mate". Then he made me feel like I didn't care enough about him. ....... Lots of things.

It has been since that night, I have really struggled. I have tried very hard but that night in particular was awful, the day after just as bad (though I have never seen anyone so apologetic in my life) and since, since hasn't been as bad but it's been something of an uphill struggle where I haven't known what to say or do or how to even be in my own home because I hardly know how to talk to him.

Today we're meant to be booking a holiday to Malta for the start of October. Is it awful that I'm honestly just terrified something else will happen? Something will stop us from going just as soon as I get all excited about it. Honestly I don't think this is as much of a worry for him because I don't know if he can get excited about things at the moment. I don't know if he will. I hope he will because I'd like him to feel something other than either exhaustion or misery but I don't know if he trusts anything in the universe at the moment. I don't. It feels like everything hates his family and that's the most unreasonable thing in the world. They're all so kind and lovely, they don't deserve this shit.

I guess this is erring on a prayer.
I prayer for a break, for them. And selfishly for me; but I don't need anything as much. I have a wonderful support network of friends and family who are caring for me in my time of need fantastically. I'm just having to be careful with how much I say because I think they're all bored of it now.
I pray that Deri will let himself feel what he needs to instead of constantly putting up barriers to avoid it
I pray that Nansi and Jacquie recover from what they've seen and have the people around them to help them.
I pray that Pete carries on recovering.
I pray that the world gives these kind, kind people a break

And yes, being selfish, I pray that nothing stops me going on holiday with my soulmate, too.

Wednesday, 22 July 2015

Ducking Universe.

I know I haven't written in a while. It's not really something I feel I need at the moment, not any more. But right now, I can't think of somewhere better to shout and scream and rave.

There is someone very special in my life, whom I love more than I could possibly say. You might have heard of him, I literally can't remember if he's in any of my posts or not.
But his family have had such a streak of bad luck that I can't even fathom what to do. I admire and am proud of his reaction to everything, but I can't help but want to scream at the universe. This family DOES NOT DESERVE THIS. They are good, kind, considerate people - all of them, or the generation I know at least - and I hate that these things are happening. They're all out of their control. And it is so fucking unfair. Everything happens for a reason but also bad things happen to good people. It changes them. I know because I'm sure that my landlady is a now-angry, good person. I don't want this family to change. I love and admire them. But I hope to heaven that everything works out because this is so not what they need, have asked for, deserve, anything. I hope to God that this gets better because I know they need some light in their lives.

May He have mercy.


Saturday, 25 October 2014

Thinly spread on wide ground

So recently, I managed to get a new job. It starts less than a week after I finish at this one, means that I get the weekend of my birthday off, and it sounds brilliant - will train and fund me for my exams, help me train Nomad - everything I want. I'm chuffed.

The only problem is that because I finish here on the 1st and start on the 5th, I don't get much of a chance to see anyone. Deri and I will get a weekend together which I'm excited for every day except for today (only because I'm exhausted and sad that I feel like I'm letting people down) because it's something we both need - time to ourselves, away from it all.
Then on Monday, my birthday, I will be going to Brighton, leaving Oxford at about midday, then will have to work out how to see my mum, dad, brother and a, I hope, a few friends while I'm there.
Because my parents aren't together, this takes two sittings. Luckily, Pod can be at either or both; it's just tricky to actually see them for a decent amount of time-- and now that I have one night, it'll be even harder. I don't know how to keep in touch with people properly any more! Here's to hoping that I don't lose the remainder of my friends or diminish the relationship I have with my dad.

I guess what I need to do is just take more time. Because you can't squeeze relationships into the gaps left by other things, not rally. Each relationship needs it's own time, dedication and space. I just don't know how or when I can give my wonderful family the time they deserve. Fingers crossed that I get Christmas off.....!

Roll on the biggest days.
Nos da.

Sunday, 19 October 2014

"Go for a walk, open your heart, and see what pours out"

I love you.

I'm excited for what you will bring me and how you will make me feel, especially if it's always like this.

I wonder what it's like, being so 'used' to someone that they don't give you butterflies or make you smile all the time or something.... But I don't know if I've ever seen it. The best couple I know in the world are my aunt and uncle and they still laugh and love each other. It's changed so much since they've had the boys, but it's definitely still there. Moments when they just catch each other and smile; moments when they're relaxed on the sofa and she rests her feet in his lap. I find it beautiful.

I don't think you'll ever really stop giving me butterflies. It's already been a year and three quarters, after all.
I hope it never happens. I hope there'll still be the time when we see each other after a while and I can't help but smile and walk faster towards you; I hope there'll still be moments like when you stopped in the barriers at Brighton station because you saw me, and had "forgotten how beautiful" I am.

I miss you when you're away. It's been a whole week today since I left yours and I miss you so much that I am sad and lonely in this big flat with its ticking clock. It probably didn't help that today was the first time I felt like this flat was busy, with three other people in it, all laughing and joking all day. But I'm kinda sadder without you.

My boss said that it might be easier for me to make friends around here if you weren't here because none of the local girls are in long term relationships and that made me so, so sad. I don't want to seek single girl friends much any more because on average, I have less in common with them than I used to. I want to make friends that you'll be friends with too; I want us to make friends, not me to make friends. I think that says a lot about us and how much you mean to me.

I hope you're never bored of me. I hope you're never dissatisfied with me. I hope, I hope, I hope, that it works out for us because I can't imagine ever being able to find someone I could feel like this about who isn't you. I can't imagine coming home to anyone but you (and perhaps our future dog).
And I don't want to.

I can't imagine things getting between us. I suppose, you never can. My dad did once say to me: "divorce was never part of my plan". If course it wasn't. Tt never is; but you never think of it like that. I know that problems will come up but I just think - and hope - that we tackle our problems the way that we have avoided them before, by talking it through and addressing it and being completely honest and open with each other.

I love you, I want to be with you; and I hope you want to be with me too.
I hope that me moving nearer to you will mean that we get to do "all the stuff", as I keep on so eloquently putting it. I know you know what I mean.


Wednesday, 15 October 2014

Would you believe me if I said that I forgot my password?

I didn't. I just sort of ... forgot. What can I say? I've been busy! It's been a big year. A hard year with lots of working and dedication and exams, but also with graduating (2:1, hons, thanks ;)) and job starting. Like, proper, full time job. I think it's my first. Working two jobs while doing my dissertation was definitely not easier.

I'm a hunt groom at a private yard at the moment. For those of you who don't know, that means looking after 9 horses for a family rich enough to not do it for themselves. Dubious. I must have them well turned out and presented for hunts, which for me has included spending my first two weeks cleaning and cleaning and cleaning. I felt like everything was dirty. Now, now that I am leaving, it is spotless. D'oh!
It was a trial that I came here for, of two weeks, but there was a pretty mutual parting of ways after the two weeks were up: I didn't want here and here didn't want me. So that's an ok way to end your first job. Now, I have a day trial lined up for next week. That'll be funny because I'll be exhausted beyond belief - the family are hunting three times next week the trial is between the second and third. I might explain that when I go because I think I'll be a little heavy-limbed, to say the least.

It's kinda one of those "happened for a reason" things again, though, because this way, I can live with Deri again in a part of the world that I love doing a job that will give me a bit more training and guidance than this one, which is what I want and need at the moment. So see? It does all happen for a reason. Even if it feels like shit and you don't understand it at the time.

I keep on yawning so much that I feel like my head's gonna split in two, so I should probably go instead of continue blogging at 2am for the sole reason that I got a comment asking where I'd been. Thanks, whoever that was. But I'm going to go to bed (again) now. I promise I'll post a slightly more prolific thought than "I have a job, ooooo" next time.
Nos da. X

Tuesday, 14 January 2014

Dot Dot Dot.

For  the first time in my life, I rolled in the new year this year without even considering resolutions or changing myself. I saw it as my anniversary and not as much more. I love that.

But over the past few days I've started to worry that I don't know what to do when Deri's stressed. He's started talking to his ex again, who is also a mate of his (...he says, sometimes) and I, the queen of winding myself up, am slowly winding myself up that they'll meet up when he goes to North Wales, and she'll know how to make his life a better place about the stress and whatnot.

I also know that actually what he wants to do is just get on with things, help other people doing stuff and be practical. "Up and doing" is what he likes. No person can help him with that he just wants to be around people who would need him so that he can be there for them. I know in my heart of hearts that it's a null and void worry.
It doesn't stop me though.

I guess I'm just terrified of losing him. In fact, I know I am; I don't know who I'd be without him because we have all sorts of plans and I love  him more than I've known I could.
I'm scared.
It feels so pathetic. I've always been the one with the upper hand who could walk away at any time (well, ish - there's always been call for a recovery period but I'm sure you follow overall), so this kind of dependence scares the crap out of me. And because I know how serious this ex is, and how much he loved her..... I get scared.

The song that he couldn't listen to because of her he now can because of me: it's changed all meaning for him because he loves me.
"Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone" is now written about a different girl (though I really wish he'd never told me that he'd thought it about her because it kinda ruined the song for me. I mean, really. Bumole.)

....I should really be more relaxed and confident because my boyfriend thinks the sun shines out my ass and is really goddamn lovely. I just can't help being scared because what if the loveliest man in the world meets an ex and suddenly remembers exactly why he loved her and forgets why he loves me.

It will all be okay; I just can't help but worry a little bit.