Thursday, 28 May 2009

Day 247

So Alice dropped me at riding at 4ish, and I went on my way.  I tacked Willis up really quickly, not messing around because I don't trust horses in that box any more because of Goulash, it appears.
I rode him for half an hour.  Before I got on Ray told me he was going.  I was decidedly not going to get too attatched to him.  I took him into the school and got on and he walked freely.  He was collected because he was stuck behind Bill and Grey Lady, and he was gorgeous.  His pace was short but still smooth, and he was so responsive.  He listened to my hands all the time, so much that at one point I shortened my rains and he instantly shortened his stride.  Beautiful paces.  I only got one canter which he ran away from, though.  He didn't understand what to do when we were weaving cones, but he listened and learned.  So lovely.
BUT (this is for me) he was hard to stop in trot, and would quickly fall into habits of following on.
So I took him back  into his stable after half of the lesson, because it was a freebie - and now I think of it Ray wouldn't've wanted me to jump him (him having an injury when R&S are giving him back is a really bad idea).  Though he's won over fences, so he can.
He's going back, by the way, for a good reason.  He stopped racing because he fractured a knee and didn't have long enough in him, but the vet came this morning and said he had 4 years tops.  He would swell up and be unworkable basically, thus unsellable.  I mentioned it to Ray (my idea of talking to my mum about Willis) and he basically said that there are horses just as good without the limited life expectancy, and  I shouldn't bother with Willis.  The sooner he's gone the better.

So waiting for the bus (I did have a while, stupid 7pm) I wondered why I was biting back tears from this horse going, and came to a realisation which I do not want, and will not state bluntly here.  Use your own intuintion, you beautiful people.  And don't ask me what I mean.
I wrote this in a text and am going to write exactly what I put.

.1. Everything happens for a reason.
.2. I've ridden him once for half an hour.
.3. I'm doing it because he's so good and I want a good horse so much.
.4. I'm doing it /because/ he's going.
So I can just shut the fuck up.

So I know that I'm doing this myself.  So why do it?  It's fucking ridiculous.  It's liek I have a pain button somewhere which I press when I don't have enough wrong or something. 
 So why do it? 
 No effing idea.
  To explore.

I don't think it's because I think that I don't deserve happiness.   I think everyone deserves happiness.  Even people like Josef Fritzl.  That's what he was seeking in some warped way.  That's beside the point.
I don't think it's for attention because I'd sooner curl up than explain.  Anyone who reads this is more an observer than anything; I'm writing this for me.
Then again, would I?
Curl up with a hug, not my mind for company.

Urgh.  I know myself better than I think.  I just wish I didn't, every now and then.

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