Tuesday, 16 June 2009

Day 266 (revisited)

Someone asked me to tell them more about Jack and me.  I don't really know what there is to say...

Well, we started going out properly on the 15th of April, but were practically going out since the 12th, when he met my dad, grandparents, and mum all in one day.  After that day we spent all of our time together, basically.  Except Sunday morning, because I was riding.  Even though he is lovely, horses still win.  However, he would give them a good run for their money - so to speak - if he so wished.  Which I hope he wouldn't or he's a liar =P.

Maybe I should talk about the Oli/Jack cross over?
It seems like it's close.  But not really.  I found letters about a month ago which I wrote to Oli but never gave to him, telling him that there was a problem, and naming half the reasons we broke up.  I gave them to Oli afterwards, and when he read them he texted me telling me how he still loves me.  Eff off, I must say, but that's irrelevant.  I wrote a date on those letters.  The first was the 13th December.
I also remember showing Oli a text that I wrote about what I thought.  I can't remember what it said but it was basically that I didn't know that we should still be together.  He took that seriously at the time, and only at the time.  i remember Jack later saying that he didn't understand how Oli could not react to what was in the text; I'd shown it to Jack before because I'd needed to talk to him about it.
Before I showed him that text, I was falling out of love with him.  The only thing that was keeping me with him was that I wanted familiarity; to know someone was there...even though I didn't talk to him about much by that point.  Jack knew more about what was going on: about what I was thinking about Alice (yano, the ex-bestie) and any problems with Kati (though i can't remember if there were any at the time or not..=/)
Jack had been my best friend since the begining of Febuary.  It wasn't immediate, mind you, but since the first of Febuary we spoke to each other every day for ages.  When I was trying to break up with Oli I only went so that I could speak to Jack, in fact.  I got so bored of it.  Oli was saying, when I told him that I liked Jack (I did do that; he didn't take it seriously, started slagging off everything about him.  It didn't work because it just made me think of how much I love about him: his voice; the way he looks; his hair...hehehe.  Little did young master Roberts realise..) that we just needed to, uh, do stuff, and everything would become better.  I said no.  And I think that's the only time.
When I still technically had a boyfriend was Millie's party, which I spent a lot of time lying on Jack in, and talking to him, and wanting him and everyone else to just evaporate, leaving us together.
God, this isn't making much chronological sense is it?

I think - and anyone who reads this and knows do correct me if I'm wrong - that Millie's party was on Tuesday; I tried to break up with Oli on Wednesday; and Oli and I finally broke up on the Friday.
I gave up on Oli because he wore me out so much on Wednesday.  He made me angry and sad and just made me want to be with Jack.  So I left and went to speak to Jack, really really winding myself up as I spoke to him and Kati (who as I remember were both being lovely and I love you both for that), so that I would pace around my room, my eyes full of tears of burning hatred; wasted time and burnt out seemingly blind love.
The Tuesday was brilliant; I, as I said, just wanted Jack for most of it.
The Friday I remember.  I think I saw Jack.  Did I?  He still lived in Worthing then so it's possible that I didn't..  What I remember is sitting at my kitchen table and talking to Jack and Kati and thinking "enough is enough".  I left my house and went to Oliver's.  He had not spoken to me all of the Thursday or Friday, having begged for me to stay with him on the Wednesday.  So I was a bit annoyed with him.
I don't remember the walk to his at all.
I remember he said "I think I have some stuff left at your's." Which hurt.  It's a really blunt, horrible thing to say.  I remember him then wittering on.  I remember my eyes lighting up at mention of Timatron.  I remember leaving his and going to my dad's, spilling ten tears then leaving again.  That was it.
I remember that night, wanting so desperately to hurt something, myself, and cry desperately, just so that I would stop feeling so numb, so nothing.  i remember Jack wanting to be there for me.

Before Oli and I broke up, a deciding factor came along: Jack telling me how he felt.
That was on the Wednesday I think.  I think I went to see Oliver afterwards and when I was thinking of something else and kissing Oliver I decided that was it.  I know I thought of something else.  And screw it, I'll say it here: Jack.  I was thinking of what it would be like to be kissing Jack instead of my ex.
Throughout most of my life, people haven't really said "I want you to be happy."  That day (this is why I think that Jack told me on the Wednesday), two people said that they wanted me to be happy.  And one of them meant it.  Oliver said something along the lines of "I want you to be happy if that's with me and no one else."  Jack said "I want you to be happy and if that means me hurting then fine."  Or similar, at least.  That was one of the things which made me feel stronger.  That was one of the things that helped me break free of my cage of my ex.  His caring for me.  Really caring.
God, I still love you for that, I gotta say.

Anyway, it's late and I have an exam in the morning, so I'm going.
Let me know if there's more you want to know, Jacinth.
Or anyone else for that matter.

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