Sunday, 28 July 2013
"I'll read it, 'cause it's your favourite book..."
I gave him my favourite book to read and he hasn't; and I'm trying to learn his language because I feel that without knowing that I can't know him. If I want to spend the rest of my life with him, especially if it's here, in Wales because I wouldn't be accepted without speaking welsh.
I told him I would read his favourite book
And my birthday present to him was my favourite band doing his favourite song
....... But he didn't say he'd read mine. I wish he would.
Other than that, my god he's beyond perfect.
Makes me feel better than anyone has before, even Oli. nd I thought I could marry him.
"In dreams we enter into a world that's entirely our own. We can swim in the deepest ocean, or climb over the highest cloud."
He takes me to those dreams. I just wish he'd return what he appreciates so much a little more.
Cait.X
Saturday, 20 July 2013
Home.
It's something that I've realised by working long hours at tiring, stressful jobs, that when I get stressed and exhausted that I want to go home. It is recent, however, that this concept of home has changed for me.
When I was younger, it was my house. If I got home after being away I would take some time and sit, relax on my bed. I remember once being bullied at school so I went home and lay on the green carpet at the bottom of my stairs on the flat of my back, and let it all go. An emotional moment, I released it all; just because I was at home. When my parents split up it was a little different: I couldn't decide where I was more comfortable, where I was more at home. It depende on who I wanted to be with, what mood I was in. I suppose this change could have began then: it could have stopped being a place and started being a state. Though then, it was only the state of which parent I would rather be nearer.
For te first year of university it wasn't really anywhere: uni and Brighton were both home. It definitely ha begun by then - home wasn't where I had come from, it was where I was comfortable and where I wanted most to be. It is only in the last 6 months, however, that the man in my life who I never want to leave it has made me feel like home is definitely a state, place where I feel safe and comfortable and happy. Often his arms; usually a good mood that only he will put me in, and usually laughing. A place I can't usually describe that I somewhere I always want to be, always want to go back to. Now, "I want to go home" means "I want him to make this feeling go away, I want him to make me laugh it off then hold me until its all gone away". I never expected that to be what I want.
For him, last night, it was sat outside the common room, having had a cigarette, with the bright moon glowing over the sea, casting its reflection over te smooth water. We were sat side by side and he was stressed. He closed his eyes and breathed in, while say cross legged on the floor. Then he looked at me and put his ham on my leg and said that it wa lovely doing things that he would usually have to alone with me. That was when I realised that he really means it: he really does feel the same.
That makes me incredibly excited for the future.
I can't wait for us to live together, to go to that physical home to each other every single night. It will be the best. Last night I found myself looking at him through dying light urging him to ask me the question that wouldean we are together forever and have signed some paper to prove it. I've never wanted something so much. I can't wait for the future.
Cait.X
When I was younger, it was my house. If I got home after being away I would take some time and sit, relax on my bed. I remember once being bullied at school so I went home and lay on the green carpet at the bottom of my stairs on the flat of my back, and let it all go. An emotional moment, I released it all; just because I was at home. When my parents split up it was a little different: I couldn't decide where I was more comfortable, where I was more at home. It depende on who I wanted to be with, what mood I was in. I suppose this change could have began then: it could have stopped being a place and started being a state. Though then, it was only the state of which parent I would rather be nearer.
For te first year of university it wasn't really anywhere: uni and Brighton were both home. It definitely ha begun by then - home wasn't where I had come from, it was where I was comfortable and where I wanted most to be. It is only in the last 6 months, however, that the man in my life who I never want to leave it has made me feel like home is definitely a state, place where I feel safe and comfortable and happy. Often his arms; usually a good mood that only he will put me in, and usually laughing. A place I can't usually describe that I somewhere I always want to be, always want to go back to. Now, "I want to go home" means "I want him to make this feeling go away, I want him to make me laugh it off then hold me until its all gone away". I never expected that to be what I want.
For him, last night, it was sat outside the common room, having had a cigarette, with the bright moon glowing over the sea, casting its reflection over te smooth water. We were sat side by side and he was stressed. He closed his eyes and breathed in, while say cross legged on the floor. Then he looked at me and put his ham on my leg and said that it wa lovely doing things that he would usually have to alone with me. That was when I realised that he really means it: he really does feel the same.
That makes me incredibly excited for the future.
I can't wait for us to live together, to go to that physical home to each other every single night. It will be the best. Last night I found myself looking at him through dying light urging him to ask me the question that wouldean we are together forever and have signed some paper to prove it. I've never wanted something so much. I can't wait for the future.
Cait.X
Saturday, 8 June 2013
Happus
Reasons that I'm really happy right now:
I've decided that the people who aren't worth my time are now going to be ignored
My boy comes back on the 11th and I'm going to meet him at the station and jump on him and cuddle him into submission. I really can't wait.
I'm going to get my henna soon
(But am genuinely considering getting the tattoo straight away... I suppose I'm not certain enough for that, though... Possibly. I just kinda want it. Anyway..)
I'm going to see Katiy soon and she's awesome.
Reasons why I'm less than perfectly happy:
I miss having people I like and respect and way to spend time with in Brighton
(I want to have people I would at least call up and have a night out with but I literally don't have anyone I like enough to do more than go to the pub with. Even that I prefer when deri's there... Though at least he will be soon!)
.. I suppose that's it really. Don't I feel pathetic. I just want people I can rely on better and whatnot
On the other hand?:
In 3 days exactly, I'll be with Deri again
I'm about to see my daddy
I've had a really nice time with my mum recently
I got new shoes today (tee!)
I can do what I want with my time
I remembered that jimmy is awesome
I guess I'm just really tired, I want to be able to slow down and chill out. But I've had a lot happening and have been there for a lot of people... But I've sort of taken a step back. P texted me today asking if I was around but I didn't reply because I didn't want to deal with it. I will, and before deri's here probably too but still. I'll see when he's around. Still the same person, just need a fuckin break.
Cait.X
I've decided that the people who aren't worth my time are now going to be ignored
My boy comes back on the 11th and I'm going to meet him at the station and jump on him and cuddle him into submission. I really can't wait.
I'm going to get my henna soon
(But am genuinely considering getting the tattoo straight away... I suppose I'm not certain enough for that, though... Possibly. I just kinda want it. Anyway..)
I'm going to see Katiy soon and she's awesome.
Reasons why I'm less than perfectly happy:
I miss having people I like and respect and way to spend time with in Brighton
(I want to have people I would at least call up and have a night out with but I literally don't have anyone I like enough to do more than go to the pub with. Even that I prefer when deri's there... Though at least he will be soon!)
.. I suppose that's it really. Don't I feel pathetic. I just want people I can rely on better and whatnot
On the other hand?:
In 3 days exactly, I'll be with Deri again
I'm about to see my daddy
I've had a really nice time with my mum recently
I got new shoes today (tee!)
I can do what I want with my time
I remembered that jimmy is awesome
I guess I'm just really tired, I want to be able to slow down and chill out. But I've had a lot happening and have been there for a lot of people... But I've sort of taken a step back. P texted me today asking if I was around but I didn't reply because I didn't want to deal with it. I will, and before deri's here probably too but still. I'll see when he's around. Still the same person, just need a fuckin break.
Cait.X
Wednesday, 5 June 2013
Rock vs. frying pan
I've always been the person that almost anyone can turn to and I'll always go out of my way to help people out. It's the way I am and it's pretty detrimental for me in all honesty. My dad always tells me that I should focus on myself because I'm the most important person in the world... and I really need to listen to that, employ it more.
One of my mates (A) went out with another of my mates (P) and I love P with all of my heart and I love A ... less. But A has been ranting at me, not realising that P and I are so close. So now she feels that she can't talk to me about stuff, but does anyway. And it's annoying and upsetting because she's terrible at getting her point across and she really kinda upsets me with some of the shit she spouts. She compares P to Chris and what I went through and I don't know what to believe. I can understand where P is coming from which kinda makes it harder. He rang me when he felt like he was at the end and ever since then I've felt like I have a loyalty to him; then recently she told me that she's "taken too many sleeping pills" before. I don't understand and I can't deal with it all.
From shit that was getting me down in Aber, to shit that's getting me down here.
I hope that my boy gets back safe. I was trying to speak to him yesterday and my dad was being a complete prick, saying that I shouldn't off-load all of the shit that other people have told me onto Deri because it won't solve anything. It's like he's forgotten what it's like to be in love. It just really upsets me because of how he was acting. I snapped at him and told him to shut up and burst into tears and I couldn't fucking deal with it, yet my dad was still being a prick. I don't know how I'm meant to deal with it, I just want a break. I was hoping that this would be it but I kinda knew that it wouldn't be, that this would happen.
I asked my dad last night if I could get insured on the car and he said no because he didn't think that it would help. I know me; it would. I would say that it'll teach me to deal with facing things but it won't, all I want to do is not bother seeing anyone and run and not quite work, but try to. It really irritates me that I do it but I literally can't help it. Fucking annoying.
I only want to see 3 people around here and one of them's not actually here because he doesn't even live here and that's Deri. Patrick just drags me down. And the 3rd I get to see some time next week, so that's good!
I'm getting sick of thinking like this, so I'm now going to pick myself up, read through some scientific journals, go for a run then have a shower and meet Jimmy who I haven't seen for ages. Might go for a pint with him or something. Can't help but feel like I'm becoming an alcoholic, but I tihnk I'm just paranoid. It's a nice day outside, why the hell not go for a pint in a beer garden?
Just have to not come back in a bad mood like I did last night and have a glass of wine while on the phone to my boy. I was ever so glad to talk to him last night, he cheered me up so much. I miss him like hell.
Have fun people; think big, and don't let the bastards grind you down.
Cait.X
One of my mates (A) went out with another of my mates (P) and I love P with all of my heart and I love A ... less. But A has been ranting at me, not realising that P and I are so close. So now she feels that she can't talk to me about stuff, but does anyway. And it's annoying and upsetting because she's terrible at getting her point across and she really kinda upsets me with some of the shit she spouts. She compares P to Chris and what I went through and I don't know what to believe. I can understand where P is coming from which kinda makes it harder. He rang me when he felt like he was at the end and ever since then I've felt like I have a loyalty to him; then recently she told me that she's "taken too many sleeping pills" before. I don't understand and I can't deal with it all.
From shit that was getting me down in Aber, to shit that's getting me down here.
I hope that my boy gets back safe. I was trying to speak to him yesterday and my dad was being a complete prick, saying that I shouldn't off-load all of the shit that other people have told me onto Deri because it won't solve anything. It's like he's forgotten what it's like to be in love. It just really upsets me because of how he was acting. I snapped at him and told him to shut up and burst into tears and I couldn't fucking deal with it, yet my dad was still being a prick. I don't know how I'm meant to deal with it, I just want a break. I was hoping that this would be it but I kinda knew that it wouldn't be, that this would happen.
I asked my dad last night if I could get insured on the car and he said no because he didn't think that it would help. I know me; it would. I would say that it'll teach me to deal with facing things but it won't, all I want to do is not bother seeing anyone and run and not quite work, but try to. It really irritates me that I do it but I literally can't help it. Fucking annoying.
I only want to see 3 people around here and one of them's not actually here because he doesn't even live here and that's Deri. Patrick just drags me down. And the 3rd I get to see some time next week, so that's good!
I'm getting sick of thinking like this, so I'm now going to pick myself up, read through some scientific journals, go for a run then have a shower and meet Jimmy who I haven't seen for ages. Might go for a pint with him or something. Can't help but feel like I'm becoming an alcoholic, but I tihnk I'm just paranoid. It's a nice day outside, why the hell not go for a pint in a beer garden?
Just have to not come back in a bad mood like I did last night and have a glass of wine while on the phone to my boy. I was ever so glad to talk to him last night, he cheered me up so much. I miss him like hell.
Have fun people; think big, and don't let the bastards grind you down.
Cait.X
Thursday, 23 May 2013
What a change.
From spending all of my time, waking and not, with him, to spending none of it with him. This feels weird.
Especially given what's happened this week... I feel like he was helping me hold my chin up and get on with it, so now I'm finding it much harder. I don't really feel like there are many people to talk to about this because I don't want everyone knowing. I don't want people to say "what an attention seeker; there's no real reason why this would effect her".
I guess everything's piled up, really. All of this semester, which has actually been pretty tough given what other people have been doing... I don't know why everything feels much harder, but goddamn, I want to go home. I just don't want to be here any more. And I can't even escape alone to my horse because I don't have a way of getting there... It's gotta be with other people, whenever's best for them.
I also don't feel like I can tell him this. I think he'd say I'm just moaning. I also think I might just be being paranoid, but I don't want to moan at him. I think he's having a fine time at home so I don't want to complain about nothing at him, there's no fucking reason. It's a waste of time for both of us.
I'm pretty sure I should stop moaning about not wanting to moan now.. It's irritating me, so I can't imagine what it's doing to you.
Don't worry, I'll be bouncing around again soon enough.
Cait.X
Especially given what's happened this week... I feel like he was helping me hold my chin up and get on with it, so now I'm finding it much harder. I don't really feel like there are many people to talk to about this because I don't want everyone knowing. I don't want people to say "what an attention seeker; there's no real reason why this would effect her".
I guess everything's piled up, really. All of this semester, which has actually been pretty tough given what other people have been doing... I don't know why everything feels much harder, but goddamn, I want to go home. I just don't want to be here any more. And I can't even escape alone to my horse because I don't have a way of getting there... It's gotta be with other people, whenever's best for them.
I also don't feel like I can tell him this. I think he'd say I'm just moaning. I also think I might just be being paranoid, but I don't want to moan at him. I think he's having a fine time at home so I don't want to complain about nothing at him, there's no fucking reason. It's a waste of time for both of us.
I'm pretty sure I should stop moaning about not wanting to moan now.. It's irritating me, so I can't imagine what it's doing to you.
Don't worry, I'll be bouncing around again soon enough.
Cait.X
Tuesday, 23 April 2013
Well that was a failure of a 365.
A lot seems to happen all at once, then I can't be bothered to blog, and when nothing of note is happening I'm perfectly happy and content so don't feel the need to.
It's been weird recently, because none of my friends are particularly doing anything, but Deri keeps wondering if there's something on my mind because I start looking like I have it; and I think I keep looking for someone to talk to. I don't think I've ever been that good at only having one person that I talk to about everything. I don't think I've really ever had that to be honest; not one person that I can tell absolutely everything.. I've usually had something that I've needed to confide in other people. Chris, Oli, Alec, Jonny... I don't think they ever knew everything. The closest that they got was if I gave them this blog and most of the time I ended up changing the way I wrote because I didn't want them to know everything.
I'm scared. I have all my eggs in one basket, almost, because my friends didn't want anything to do with me when Deri and I got together so most of my friendships are now on a much more superficial level. I don't have friends in Aberystwyth that I can confide everything in... I don't have friends I see up here who listen to me. I'm there for them and they don't even know if something's wrong. I've usually been someone with quite a few friends around me, ones that I can tell all sorts of things to. This is a weird change.
That said, I'm sure that I could ring Lottie if I needed her properly. And Fe.
It just feels funny that Deri and I are so close. Like so, so close.
On the way back home to Aber we stopped overnight at Deri's grandparents' house. His nan is ill (I can't remember the word for the life of me right now, but basically had a stroke and hasn't been right since - she's losing her power of speech. It's amazing how aware she is of everything, she just can't communicate necessarily. Sometimes Deri can call her or her neighbours can come round then she can talk fine; but she can never talk to his grandad normally; and he finds that horribly hard...) Anyway, that was an amazing experience. I've never known love like that. 60 years together and Joan said "I'll just go and see how he is" just, literally just, before her husband called for her from the kitchen. A kind of telepathy. I think that Deri and I could end up like that and that terrifies me.
What I wouldn't be able to deal with is what followed. His granda talking about how hard it is to have the person that you love unable to talk to you.
It's fine because I know that I have friends who will be there for me and Deri who I'm 80% sure would actually drop everything for me. I do adore him. It's just scary, sometimes.
Well world, let's keep going. Stay excellent.
"What about you Joan, what do you want to be when you grow up? Happy? Say happy."
"Happy."
Cait.X
It's been weird recently, because none of my friends are particularly doing anything, but Deri keeps wondering if there's something on my mind because I start looking like I have it; and I think I keep looking for someone to talk to. I don't think I've ever been that good at only having one person that I talk to about everything. I don't think I've really ever had that to be honest; not one person that I can tell absolutely everything.. I've usually had something that I've needed to confide in other people. Chris, Oli, Alec, Jonny... I don't think they ever knew everything. The closest that they got was if I gave them this blog and most of the time I ended up changing the way I wrote because I didn't want them to know everything.
I'm scared. I have all my eggs in one basket, almost, because my friends didn't want anything to do with me when Deri and I got together so most of my friendships are now on a much more superficial level. I don't have friends in Aberystwyth that I can confide everything in... I don't have friends I see up here who listen to me. I'm there for them and they don't even know if something's wrong. I've usually been someone with quite a few friends around me, ones that I can tell all sorts of things to. This is a weird change.
That said, I'm sure that I could ring Lottie if I needed her properly. And Fe.
It just feels funny that Deri and I are so close. Like so, so close.
On the way back home to Aber we stopped overnight at Deri's grandparents' house. His nan is ill (I can't remember the word for the life of me right now, but basically had a stroke and hasn't been right since - she's losing her power of speech. It's amazing how aware she is of everything, she just can't communicate necessarily. Sometimes Deri can call her or her neighbours can come round then she can talk fine; but she can never talk to his grandad normally; and he finds that horribly hard...) Anyway, that was an amazing experience. I've never known love like that. 60 years together and Joan said "I'll just go and see how he is" just, literally just, before her husband called for her from the kitchen. A kind of telepathy. I think that Deri and I could end up like that and that terrifies me.
What I wouldn't be able to deal with is what followed. His granda talking about how hard it is to have the person that you love unable to talk to you.
It's fine because I know that I have friends who will be there for me and Deri who I'm 80% sure would actually drop everything for me. I do adore him. It's just scary, sometimes.
Well world, let's keep going. Stay excellent.
"What about you Joan, what do you want to be when you grow up? Happy? Say happy."
"Happy."
Cait.X
Monday, 1 April 2013
Day 54.
Taken: 28/03/2013
My horse enjoying the view from Tal-Y-Fan
Seeing as I'm completely failing at doing this daily (I don't really know why, I'm not actually doing anything, just seem to be doing other things all the time...), I'm going to just keep counting the days but have massive gaps in between them.
I haven't been myself for the past couple of days. I think since Deri's parents came back... They bought Deri, Joe (his brother) and me presents of Toblerone and cider back from France. I've never in my life felt so welcomed into a family. It makes me so happy, makes me glow that they like me enough to think of getting me a present while on their holidays. However, it also makes me so, so homesick. I've not been home for a long time and not seen my family since mid February, and goddamn it I want to. I tried to convince Deri to leave earlier but he doesn't quite understand how much I want to go home; he wants to finish his essay first, so he can give the books he's using to his friend, but that means that I still have to be here until Friday, and get home on Saturday. That's only a day early. He says he knows what I mean when I say that I want to go home but I'm not sure he gets quite how homesick I am. It wouldn't be as bad if I wasn't in such a lovely, welcoming and warm family, homey environment. But as it stands, I want to be in my lovely homey environment. I want to see my Dad, lie on the sofa chatting shit while watching CSI. There's nothing like going home after being away for a long time, and I desperately want to be able to do that now.
I love it here, don't get me wrong. The mountains I'm staring at as I write this are unutterably breathtaking, and the opportunities I'm getting from having my horse here are amazing. The family are the nicest in the world... But there ain't no place like home, and the level of missing it that I'm experiencing is putting a strain on me, which is making me get tetchier with Deri. I don't want to do that, he doesn't need to have this taken out on him. I guess it's something that he just doesn't understand, no matter what he says.
God bless him; but I hope I get home soon. I hope I get rid of this feeling, because it's going to take a toll and I'm not sure what on yet.
Cait.X
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)