Saturday, 20 July 2013


It's something that I've realised by working long hours at tiring, stressful jobs, that when I get stressed and exhausted that I want to go home. It is recent, however, that this concept of home has changed for me.

 When I was younger, it was my house. If I got home after being away I would take some time and sit, relax on my bed. I remember once being bullied at school so I went home and lay on the green carpet at the bottom of my stairs on the flat of my back, and let it all go. An emotional moment, I released it all; just because I was at home. When my parents split up it was a little different: I couldn't decide where I was more comfortable, where I was more at home. It depende on who I wanted to be with, what mood I was in. I suppose this change could have began then: it could have stopped being a place and started being a state. Though then, it was only the state of which parent I would rather be nearer.

For te first year of university it wasn't really anywhere: uni and Brighton were both home. It definitely ha begun by then - home wasn't where I had come from, it was where I was comfortable and where I wanted most to be. It is only in the last 6 months, however, that the man in my life who I never want to leave it has made me feel like home is definitely a state, place where I feel safe and comfortable and happy. Often his arms; usually a good mood that only he will put me in, and usually laughing. A place I can't usually describe that I somewhere I always want to be, always want to go back to. Now, "I want to go home" means "I want him to make this feeling go away, I want him to make me laugh it off then hold me until its all gone away". I never expected that to be what I want.

For him, last night, it was sat outside the common room, having had a cigarette, with the bright moon glowing over the sea, casting its reflection over te smooth water. We were sat side by side and he was stressed. He closed his eyes and breathed in, while say cross legged on the floor. Then he looked at me and put his ham on my leg and said that it wa lovely doing things that he would usually have to alone with me. That was when I realised that he really means it: he really does feel the same.

That makes me incredibly excited for the future.

I can't wait for us to live together, to go to that physical home to each other every single night. It will be the best. Last night I found myself looking at him through dying light urging him to ask me the question that wouldean we are together forever and have signed some paper to prove it. I've never wanted something so much. I can't wait for the future.