I've always been the person that almost anyone can turn to and I'll always go out of my way to help people out. It's the way I am and it's pretty detrimental for me in all honesty. My dad always tells me that I should focus on myself because I'm the most important person in the world... and I really need to listen to that, employ it more.
One of my mates (A) went out with another of my mates (P) and I love P with all of my heart and I love A ... less. But A has been ranting at me, not realising that P and I are so close. So now she feels that she can't talk to me about stuff, but does anyway. And it's annoying and upsetting because she's terrible at getting her point across and she really kinda upsets me with some of the shit she spouts. She compares P to Chris and what I went through and I don't know what to believe. I can understand where P is coming from which kinda makes it harder. He rang me when he felt like he was at the end and ever since then I've felt like I have a loyalty to him; then recently she told me that she's "taken too many sleeping pills" before. I don't understand and I can't deal with it all.
From shit that was getting me down in Aber, to shit that's getting me down here.
I hope that my boy gets back safe. I was trying to speak to him yesterday and my dad was being a complete prick, saying that I shouldn't off-load all of the shit that other people have told me onto Deri because it won't solve anything. It's like he's forgotten what it's like to be in love. It just really upsets me because of how he was acting. I snapped at him and told him to shut up and burst into tears and I couldn't fucking deal with it, yet my dad was still being a prick. I don't know how I'm meant to deal with it, I just want a break. I was hoping that this would be it but I kinda knew that it wouldn't be, that this would happen.
I asked my dad last night if I could get insured on the car and he said no because he didn't think that it would help. I know me; it would. I would say that it'll teach me to deal with facing things but it won't, all I want to do is not bother seeing anyone and run and not quite work, but try to. It really irritates me that I do it but I literally can't help it. Fucking annoying.
I only want to see 3 people around here and one of them's not actually here because he doesn't even live here and that's Deri. Patrick just drags me down. And the 3rd I get to see some time next week, so that's good!
I'm getting sick of thinking like this, so I'm now going to pick myself up, read through some scientific journals, go for a run then have a shower and meet Jimmy who I haven't seen for ages. Might go for a pint with him or something. Can't help but feel like I'm becoming an alcoholic, but I tihnk I'm just paranoid. It's a nice day outside, why the hell not go for a pint in a beer garden?
Just have to not come back in a bad mood like I did last night and have a glass of wine while on the phone to my boy. I was ever so glad to talk to him last night, he cheered me up so much. I miss him like hell.
Have fun people; think big, and don't let the bastards grind you down.