A deep breath to begin.

It'll take a huge amount of getting used to and moving on from and I may swallow these words, but I am looking forwards to being friends with him. It could be a great friendship, truly. Not kissing him or squeezing his hand when he makes me smile, and not trying to make him smile by doing things I know he thinks are cute... That will be hard at first. It will take some getting used to, I am sure.

But it'll be worth it and I feel relatively sure of that.

The thing is that I never usually suffer for the greater good, or under my own volition. Usually it's due to other people, not a choice rather something to be avoided. So when I think of that it seems to make sense that I don't want to let him go (of course how good our relationship has been does help, too, but is hardly the point right now). I do love him, I think, but I'm sure that'll turn platonic over time. There's no reason why that would go away immediately. I hope that the person I knew as my friend before we were together is who he really is as a friend, not someone who wanted solely to get somewhere with someone. I don't know that he is like that to all his friends - i'm not sure that I'll be able to text him an have him turn up an hour later, after his lectures, when I get a text from my ex boyfriend that I don't know how to deal with. But I'm sure I'll still e able to talk to him about it all. Tell him who is new in my life, who i'm interested in, hear his judgements. Interesting stuff.

I just need to learn to let go; but be aware that the door is still open and we're still a solid, goo pair, it just so happens that I'll probably be making enies of his girlfriends (because seriously, how many girlfriends of my friends like me?) - instead of being the girl in question.
As long as she's good enough for him, I guess it'll be ok.

I wonder what will happen. If I'll be the hate friend; if we get together again some day; if he's the hate friend of my boyfriends. Or if I'll for once get a boyfriend who is secure enough to not get that jealous, which would be nice!

Oh who knows. The only way to find out is to live it.
One, two, three, deep breath, jump.

Oh You.

I remember meeting you, thinking you were awesome.. Shuffling by my fridge and drinking martini. Then getting to know you, because you decided that we should.
I remember how much you've always made me laugh. How well we get on, how great it was to go on little walks with you through the night.
I remember kissing on the ruin. Where you took me for my birthday, lit a candle and fed me cupcakes. So romantic. I remember you caring for me when I was over tired and you bought me strawberries and a cut up orange in bed.
I remember this week. How we bounce off each other and interact and make each other laugh and smile. I've not had this before really, and it's starting to seem more and more like we're not even falling at the first hurdle, instead just giving up when we see it approaching. Because maybe it would work. Then again, maybe I'm panicking. I guess I'll let you know when I see you again, I guess, because I think if my heart jumps like it did when I saw you in Oslo, I'll have to talk to you.

Then again maybe not? I don't know. What's confusing me is that I imagine in my future relationship, the 'forever' one I guess is what I mean, being like us. Connecting and interacting like we do. So I guess that right now it just feels crazy to give up on what feels like what I want.

I've no idea how you'll react to this though. I don't know if it'll freak you out (though be aware, it shouldn't), or if you'll think twice or think I'm crazy or stop thinking I'm rational... But it's probably worth saying, just in case it turns out that you think the same, or something.

Let me know,
I'm not saying decide now, justly be we shouldn't close the door, I guess.

As I said, I am a little confused.
X

Photo Forty Eight

Welcome to how shite I look with next to no sleep, at 3.30am

No wonder I don't think I'll make much of a Mother.

I've lost the ability to sleep well, it seems.  And I just don't know why.  There have been a lot of things going on in my head, I know that for sure, but I can't honestly say that they're all worthwhile, or all sleep depriving.  I'm sure that one of them should be, in fact, but it isn't.  I fall asleep for about half an hour at a time then wake up tossing and turning and frantic in my mind but I can never remember what I've been thinking about or dreaming of.  I then proceed to stay awake for somewhere between 30 minutes and an hour, trying to think of how to calm down and sleep again.  It seems next to impossible, sometimes.
So we've got to 3.45 and I'm wide awake in my mind, and exhausted in my eyes.
My granda's taking me to church tomorrow; I better not fall asleep.

Let's just go through a few things, shall we?
Well the biggest thing in the life of Cat at the moment is that I've bought a horse.  He's big and beautiful and called Nomad.  He's going to cost me a fortune though, which is what I've been looking into for the past two days and it's going to be hard next year making ends meet.  I won't be able to do it without a job.  I hope that it works out.  That's bollocks actually: it will work out and if I really can't afford it then I'll sell him trained up as a five year old, for a huge profit.  There is a very, very low chance of that happening though, because I love that horse already and it'll really take something to stop.

Next is one that I find a bit hard.  Very hard.  It's you.  I hate this.  We hardly talk, I hardly know anything about your summer, you hardly know about mine.  You would've been great to have around the corner a couple of times over the past two weeks, with the bitchiness that I've been dealing with.  But I hate this.  I hate not being with you and having the advantages of being with you while also not having the actual single life.  At least you were right about long distance relationships, they are ass.
When I talk about you people sometimes joke that we'll get married and I reply "nah", or whatever; and both they and I are starting to find that weirder and weirder.  I still hate not having a future and the knowledge of that, but you should know I've always felt that.  I just seem to be noticing it at the moment.
I know this isn't the time or the place to be saying this but it's the only place I'm writing right now and the only time I will.  So sorry for saying it like this, but it's stuff you should be aware is passing through my mind.

I can hear my granda coughing in his bed... Oh bless him.  I hope he's well.  I do love him ever so much.

Well I guess I've said my peace...  Have a good day, everyone. (:

The Past Seven Weeks.

Emotional; stressful; tiring.  That would pretty much cover the first seven weeks of my oh so exciting summer.

I arrived and was really happy here for a week, until I noticed the politics of the place.  I tried to ride Dermot's horse, a beautiful grey gelding that I've named Nomad and have decided to buy, but I wasn't allowed because of said politics.  It's been damn hard work getting through this time.

I'm impressed that I managed to stay here for most of the time.  One weekend I went to my grandparents' house and slept in until 8.30 (ooh) and managed to actually relax.  I came back feeling refreshed and better until I saw a housemate and she made me feel bad again by talking about how much fun she's having and how many opportunities she gets.  I'm jealous of her, but equally glad that I'm not such a bitch as her.. I guess that means I'll not make it, or something, but I honestly don't care.  I want to train, not ruin people.

I've changed since I've been here, though; I've learned how to be on my own and what it means to be independent, though I've been very dependent on my Dad sometimes.. but I think that's fine ("The only man a girl can depend on is her daddy" - to quote Grease).  I've done a lot of thinking and I think I've made some life decisions which I'm not going to post on here.  I've rebelled.  I've decided to buy a horse... and therefore, I've decided to change my life.  It'd be exciting if I wasn't worried about my report that I'll get at the end of my time here: I rode a horse without permission and my boss is raging about it.  My dad doesn't think I have much to worry about, which is just as well... I just hope to God that he's right and it'll be okay.  Six weeks without putting a foot wrong can't be completely disregarded based on one incident; it'll go down on my report alongside me being a damn hard worker - I hope to God, at least.  You can tell I'm serious because I said "I hope to God" twice in two sentences.

Anyway... This has been a learning curve, I suppose.  The thing I've learnt mostly is what Dermot put into words for me: "Keep yourself to yourself, and that should apply to any job, because you don't know who's listening."  Word gets around places like that.
Another point it's made me learn is that I don't want to work somewhere like that.  I'll be much happier if I teach people to ride and teach horses to be ridden and it all takes place on a lower key, without so much messiness, and with more respect for each other; like what Dermot, Mary Ann and Tina have together.

So there we go.  Only one more working day and I am not sad to be leaving.

I didn't expect to make the connections that I have, with some of the people here, like Chloe, Dermot, Mary Ann and Tina (surprised?) .. and I hope those relationships will last, at least on a professional level with Dermot so that if I'm back in Ireland I can visit him and ask him for horses to train, for tips, or just for rides.  He said that he likes me both as a person and a rider so I'll be willing to bet that he'd be fine with it.  I just hope he doesn't change his number, that way it'll be much easier!

One more working day; then some coffee in Jeremy's; and fuck it, I'm not going to the yard to say bye on Saturday morning... the important ones I'll say bye to on Friday.  The only reason I'll go there on Saturday will be to say bye to Dermot, because I don't know if he's working on Friday.  I think I'll ride the horse on Friday too, mostly just because I've basically bought him so they've no right to say otherwise.  I hope.

Fingers crossed about everything.
Big love.

Stand Up.

As I've mentioned, at the moment, I'm on a work experience placement at Castle Leslie, in Glaslough, Ireland.  Much as I love this placement, I'm finding it very difficult to get anything.  I'm the only student who is not being paid; I don't get anything that I ask for; and they expect me to pay €10 every time I want to jump over about 30cm high.

So, once again, it is action time.

Not entirely my point, but I have it stuck in my head after writing this post, which seemed like a sign from God.

Last night I got to ride my boss's horse, so today, when I go into work, I'm going to try to find said boss and tell her that I'm going to ride him tomorrow, and Sinead, who is another student, will help me.  Because I think that I can learn loads from that horse and that girl, who has been trained by professional showjumpers for a very long time and knows her stuff.  I'm a good rider but I'm not as good as her and I don't get things laid out for me like she does.  I say that, she doesn't get things laid out.  She came here knowing precisely what she wants from this experience and knowing exactly how to get it, so now people don't bother talking against her and they just go with it, understanding that she knows what she's capable of.  So obviously, I need to do that.

While I'm talking to my boss, I'm going to tell her that what I'm interested in and want to have a career in is schooling and training young horses.  I've backed a horse before and have retrained young horses who are entirely green and have retrained racehorses until they're round and supple, and I think that I could train a young horse and want to try my hand at it.  I have my own insurance and would hold no affiliation to castle leslie when I do it because it's mine and Dermot's (who owns the horse) decision.  I think that I can do this.  I think that I WILL do this... Because I don't want to walk away complaining that someone's stopped me from doing what I want to.

Stand up and fight.

Today I will also go to my slightly less senior boss and tell her that I want to do proper jumping and I don't want to pay for it because they're not paying me and I can barely afford food let alone €10 per class.  I won't ask for the money because actually I have parents who spoil me rotten and help me out with money, and I just got my deposit from my university room back (£95 out of £100 - because Rachel and I went to the university and claimed no responsibility for the state of our flat and fought to get our money back.  I genuinely feel inspired by the fact that it worked.) - so I can afford to survive, I just can't afford to chuck money at what I should, by right and what I was promised before I came here, have.  This is happening.

Stand up. We shall not be moved.

Photo Forty Seven

Time flies when you're exploring

Hi guys!  Sorry about the silence; but I've been really freakin' busy, and haven't had a lot of internet access so haven't been able to bog much.

So I've been working at Castle Leslie in Ireland recently, which is so far an amazing experience which is inspiring me to work everywhere that I ever want to.  I've fallen in love with a horse called No Name (so not really called anything, but still.  I call him Nomad, but I don't think it'd stick) and would love to have him, but I'm not sure that I'm a good enough rider; he's not cantered with someone riding him yet, so is very very young and has only been sat on ten times.  Less than, really, Dermot (who trains him) said.

It's a lot of work here, but it also is inspiring me to remember that horses /are/ what I love and what I want in my life.  I'll have to be sensible and driven and work hard and, I can imagine riding Nomad from place to place in America or the continent of Europe - or both - until I find someone, something, that makes me want to stay.  Marry an attractive farrier which would save on bills and be a few friends' fantasies, ahah.

I guess that this experience, working and living with girls who are really lovely and working on a yard where I've always wanted to be, is just reminding me of my previous blog post.  I'm really happy that I'm able to remember what I want and I'm going to do it.  The only problem is that I can no longer be bothered with university; I'd rather get going.  I'll complete it, of course, but the concept of the future is so exciting!

We'll see.  I look forwards to riding from place to place...... I'll do it at least once, promise.  :) <3

Let's get it started....

Over my time on this planet I've changed a huge amount.  I have gone from the stroppy introverted teenager to someone confident and I like to think full of beans; to someone who was a shell of whatever they were; to someone who now sits in the small, beautiful drawing room of Castle Leslie and wonders how on earth she ended up here, like this.

"Like this" is, right now, slightly lost and lonely because this is the most isolated I've been before.  I've been in a hundred different places (well, at least 3) but I've always been able to use my phone, or computer, at all times.  So I've always had the world around me available... Until now.  It's a short walk to the wireless network, and being in a foreign country I don't use my home phone, obviously.  I think this could be good for me.  I miss the Viking a touch more than I had done already, but when I get working that may subside.
The thing with not having wifi in the house is that it means I can't skype or anything, because I wouldn't be anywhere private enough to warrant a conversation which would disrupt other people.  This is half a good thing, if I'm honest, as Skype with Certain Parties would not be a great experience.

Still.
I know and recognise that recently, I've come a long way towards what I've wanted to be, by wearing "out there" clothes that I like; by being happy; by being confident; by throwing myself in at the deep end and swimming.  I just manage to find it weird that I can be like this and yet so different from what I imagined.

Ditching Teenage Fantasy Means Ditching All Your Dreams.

When I was younger I never imagined anything outside of my life apart from horses.  I imagined being the youngest person to compete in Hickstead; being successful; being rich; winning.  Since being older, for a long time I only wanted to fit in.  I wanted to stand out from the crowd as a character, as a person that you might want to know, as someone beautiful... But I forgot all about the horses, the dream.  I just wanted teenage normalcy.

And if I give that up, I'd feel funny.  I'd feel jealous of the people who are going out all the time, having fun, despite the fact that I'd be doing what I've always wanted to.  No, it doesn't make sense to me either.

I think it's about time for me to grow up, and stop wanting to just have nights out.  I think it is a much better idea for me to focus on what I actually want.  Maybe that means that at uni, I'll get a horse (be it bought or loaned) so that I can work with it every morning and go to bed early instead.  That'll mean a dramatic lifestyle change and it would probably put strain on my relationship with Henrik.  It's things like that which could hold me back: once I have strain on that relationship, if it fell through then I would want to go out more and would be less satisfied spending time in, especially because so much of that time would be on my own, if Becca was going out.

I'm just not that great at being alone all the time.

I guess we'll have to see.  But in short, I don't want to forget about my dreams.  And it seems like this summer is one of the best places I could be starting.