Sunday, 10 June 2012

Let's get it started....

Over my time on this planet I've changed a huge amount.  I have gone from the stroppy introverted teenager to someone confident and I like to think full of beans; to someone who was a shell of whatever they were; to someone who now sits in the small, beautiful drawing room of Castle Leslie and wonders how on earth she ended up here, like this.

"Like this" is, right now, slightly lost and lonely because this is the most isolated I've been before.  I've been in a hundred different places (well, at least 3) but I've always been able to use my phone, or computer, at all times.  So I've always had the world around me available... Until now.  It's a short walk to the wireless network, and being in a foreign country I don't use my home phone, obviously.  I think this could be good for me.  I miss the Viking a touch more than I had done already, but when I get working that may subside.
The thing with not having wifi in the house is that it means I can't skype or anything, because I wouldn't be anywhere private enough to warrant a conversation which would disrupt other people.  This is half a good thing, if I'm honest, as Skype with Certain Parties would not be a great experience.

I know and recognise that recently, I've come a long way towards what I've wanted to be, by wearing "out there" clothes that I like; by being happy; by being confident; by throwing myself in at the deep end and swimming.  I just manage to find it weird that I can be like this and yet so different from what I imagined.

Ditching Teenage Fantasy Means Ditching All Your Dreams.

When I was younger I never imagined anything outside of my life apart from horses.  I imagined being the youngest person to compete in Hickstead; being successful; being rich; winning.  Since being older, for a long time I only wanted to fit in.  I wanted to stand out from the crowd as a character, as a person that you might want to know, as someone beautiful... But I forgot all about the horses, the dream.  I just wanted teenage normalcy.
And if I give that up, I'd feel funny.  I'd feel jealous of the people who are going out all the time, having fun, despite the fact that I'd be doing what I've always wanted to.  No, it doesn't make sense to me either.

I think it's about time for me to grow up, and stop wanting to just have nights out.  I think it is a much better idea for me to focus on what I actually want.  Maybe that means that at uni, I'll get a horse (be it bought or loaned) so that I can work with it every morning and go to bed early instead.  That'll mean a dramatic lifestyle change and it would probably put strain on my relationship with Henrik.  It's things like that which could hold me back: once I have strain on that relationship, if it fell through then I would want to go out more and would be less satisfied spending time in, especially because so much of that time would be on my own, if Becca was going out.
I'm just not that great at being alone all the time.

I guess we'll have to see.  But in short, I don't want to forget about my dreams.  And it seems like this summer is one of the best places I could be starting.

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