Dot Dot Dot.

For  the first time in my life, I rolled in the new year this year without even considering resolutions or changing myself. I saw it as my anniversary and not as much more. I love that.

But over the past few days I've started to worry that I don't know what to do when Deri's stressed. He's started talking to his ex again, who is also a mate of his (...he says, sometimes) and I, the queen of winding myself up, am slowly winding myself up that they'll meet up when he goes to North Wales, and she'll know how to make his life a better place about the stress and whatnot.

I also know that actually what he wants to do is just get on with things, help other people doing stuff and be practical. "Up and doing" is what he likes. No person can help him with that he just wants to be around people who would need him so that he can be there for them. I know in my heart of hearts that it's a null and void worry.
It doesn't stop me though.

I guess I'm just terrified of losing him. In fact, I know I am; I don't know who I'd be without him because we have all sorts of plans and I love  him more than I've known I could.
I'm scared.
It feels so pathetic. I've always been the one with the upper hand who could walk away at any time (well, ish - there's always been call for a recovery period but I'm sure you follow overall), so this kind of dependence scares the crap out of me. And because I know how serious this ex is, and how much he loved her..... I get scared.

The song that he couldn't listen to because of her he now can because of me: it's changed all meaning for him because he loves me.
"Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone" is now written about a different girl (though I really wish he'd never told me that he'd thought it about her because it kinda ruined the song for me. I mean, really. Bumole.)

....I should really be more relaxed and confident because my boyfriend thinks the sun shines out my ass and is really goddamn lovely. I just can't help being scared because what if the loveliest man in the world meets an ex and suddenly remembers exactly why he loved her and forgets why he loves me.

It will all be okay; I just can't help but worry a little bit.

Cait.X

Half a dream, half just hope.

I just woke up from a dream about the future. Deri and I were lying in our bed naked. We looked into each other's eyes and smiled and then I looked down. There between us lay a beautiful baby girl, Phoebe Graham Marshall, who slept and smiled. We kissed each other over her head. She woke and asked for food and I rolled onto my back to give it to her. I looked back at my partner and smiled. I had the two most beautiful people in the world. I was te luckiest woman in the world.

I would say "and then I woke up", but I was Lisa half awake - hence the title of this post. Half hope. I've never wanted children before because I've always wen so scared of splitting up with the father or of ruining their lives. But Deri makes that go away. I hope that he is always happy and pray that this happiness is with me.


Now wasn't that more serious than you expected at 9.20 on a Tuesday morning?
It certainly was for me.

Cait.X

I have recently been feeling a little shit. Makes a change for a post on this blog, right?

Then on Monday, I have no idea what happened - I suppose it was a damn good weekend, really... with success, promises of escape, nearly just driving away through the night, a plan to go out with a mate somewhere new.... I was in the best mood. I felt like my usual self, laughing and joking and taking everything in my stride again. It was fabulous. Same again yesterday.

Until Deri and I went to the pub.

I had an amazing day yesterday. I jumped a metre ten in my lesson because I was told to, I then got a free lesson because I helped someone collect sweat from the same horse. It was fantastic. Afterwards I sent Deri a text saying "best practical" or words to that effect, conveying my excitement. He replied saying "good" and we made plans to meet after the things we had to do and go to Cambrian to see his mates, then come back for a dinner that I had wanted to cook last Friday but hadn't because.... because stuff and reasons.

While we were at Cambrian we had two pints. And when we were about to get the second I realised it might not be a good idea but didn't spare it enough thought to talk to Deri about it. If I had mentioned it even in passing it would've been fine. So we had the pints and he was given a shot of Jäger by the guy who always gets us shots of Jäger. Of course I didn't have one because I was driving. After this Deri said that he was going to fall over because he'd by then had 4 pints and the shot. It was a joke and I bit his head off, saying that I didn't want to cook for him if he was so pissed he wouldn't taste it.

Even now I can see where I was coming from, I was just /awful/ at putting my point across.

It must be said that I am sick to death of feeling so weird. I don't really want to be with anyone unless I can dictate exactly how long for and exactly when and exactly who. I want to spend time with my boyfriend when he's not completely exhausted and I want to not even consider biting his head off. I just want to be the person that I think I am again. Not feel tired and worn out and not even quite like everything's on top of me...

That was another thing. In the midst of this, because I really did not have a good night last night, I was clinging to Deri like he was a child's protective blanket and not letting go and I feel now like I was screaming into him saying again and again that I didn't want this to happen...
Then Lottie texted me (though I didn't read it until this morning) saying that she was unhappy.
It just made me realise how little anyone seems to know or ask or care about at the moment. Maybe I'm just getting better at hiding it in day-to-day life because to be fair I don't want people to be asking all the time. I just need to remember to open up to some people, because if I don't I'll dig myself a hole.
Also need more pony time
And to start cycling
This is all going to happen
It'll always be alright. :)
Cait.X

"My world's on my shoulders"

One of the things that's really hard when you move out and learn to survive and, especially, when you start paying for yourself because there's no one else who will, is that it's all down to you. You make the chances and you manage the time and you take the breaks. And let's not lie: that's really fucking hard.

What I find hardest is definitely giving myself the time to stop, wait and take a moment for myself. I'm always looking at the next thing to do, what tomorrow will bring and how hard it will be to keep it up. What I need to learn to do, and it takes me a long time to every day, is just relax.

My top tip for all of life is: find out what makes you tick; and find out what makes it better.

When you know how to relax, your life becomes so much better.

Even saying this now, I don't really know what works for me. I'm sat on my own, in my room, having spent the last of my money on cigarettes that I only brought because my boyfriend's at work and the guy that I wanted to talk to wasn't giving me the time to listen (to be fair I didn't tell him anything was wrong; and there's no way I'm going to infringe on his first year. I'm sure I did it to him and other people in mine, it would be unfair and selfish and it's been a long time since I spoke to him and he sounded like he was actually alive.... that was a present in its own right), then having sat in the garden and smoked two of them and thought "this is crap", I just came upstairs and looked through old photos that I have on flickr.

This was the one that got me thinking. It seems to be the one that reminds me that actually, we all control our own fates and, although I do believe that some things are thought out and scripted - like when we meet someone; if we get hit by a car; when we die - we should still make the most of everything that we can.

Tomorrow, I'm going to have a lie in then write a seminar then go to a lecture then do interval training then go to work
Friday, I'm going to go to lectures then ride 8 horses in 3.5 hours then buy my mate a pint because I will owe her one after helping me with that.
Saturday, I'm working and will upload the data from the past two days.
Sunday, I'm working and will analyse some of the data I already have.
Monday, I'm going to get paid then go to lectures then go to work.
Tuesday, I have one lecture and lots of time for my horse and my work, then will go out for an Indian with my friend whether I can "afford" it or not (because let's be honest, I'll make it work).

It's all manageable, and it's all ok. It's just a psychological thing, I think: make a time table. Write out what you'll do in each day, and do it before you get tired and upset and when you have done all of that have a pint or watch a movie or whatever gets you unwound.... And be ready to start the next day.

The trick really is enough sleep, taking care of yourself, and knowing when to say when.

It's all okay.
:)

Cait.X

I can't help but worry.

There's essentially no reason, but I can't get over the worry that I have about money and time and stress.

Well actually, it's money originally. I've got no confirmation that my student finance will be happening so I have been working. Now I have two jobs. So actually, there's no problem with money; I have the income from Penrhyncoch FC job and will have stuff from open days that I work and will have stuff from Spar. I just can't help but stress.

Anyway, two jobs; dissertation research; lectures; essays and horse time means that I'm spending a lot of time rushing around and I am getting very wound up by this particularly when I look at my bank balance, which is currently £5 - having purchased a tank of fuel, shavings for my horse and a bag of feed. I get paid cash in hand and have £50 at the moment, which I can't spend because I need another week + £10's work so that I can pay my livery this month.

A vicious cycle and I don't see any way of breaking it.
Obviously, this is over the top; there are ways of breaking it and all of them are starting work.

I'll get into the swing of things, have a routine and get on with it.
It'll be fine!
I just need to get on and get a break and, actually, just start it all. Sooner you start, the sooner you finish; and sooner I start, the sooner the routine starts and the stress will ebb.

Deep breath.

I needed that.

Thanks for listening, I feel better now :-)

Cait.X

Pressure

I feel like, recently, I have become impossible to please.

I spent the best summer travelling Europe with the man I love and since we got back, I've been working non-stop; or so it feels. I was stressed beyond belief because I don't have a laptop to put my research onto, then have been stressed about money because I don't have any.
I've been supported through all of this by Deri but I can't help feeling like because he's the one closest to me, he's going to have one hell of a time with me.

 Take last night. He asked me to do two little things around the house. One, I accept completely; the other (not to leave dishes in the sink) was the most annoying thing because I'd only started doing it since being in they house because he did it. He says that's different because he's going to do it the next morning. He doesn't, not necessarily; and anyway, how is that really fair? If you want something done then don't do it yourself. It's natural to say "oh no no I don't so they", it's also very easy to do, but saying that it's different when you do it is absolutely wank and a sure way to piss off anyone, especially your lady friend.

I always later think to myself "come on Cait, it's only the fucking dishes", then remember that a) if it was only the ducking dishes, he wouldn't care about it; and b) I've been told before that things like that break people up.

I know that's weird and paranoid but I really don't want anything to be wrong between us so if there's a way of not having it happen, I will obviously do that. So I guess it's time to talk about it.

Though another thing, he said yesterday that he felt strange. I thought that meant ill so when he told me it meant strangely pissy I was completely useless. I meant to say that I'd been worried because I didn't want him to feel ill and wanted to take care of him but only said that he should've told me he meant pissy. That's not a helpful comment, Cait.

I worry that living together with another person there is harder than anticipated. Because this didn't happen when we were alone... But that said, maybe it would've anyway. I really don't know.

I just hope that we get time together, try actively for neither of us to be hypocrites about day-to-day life, and I manage to relax and get time to myself too, because I bet having none of it is related.

Once again; a deep breath to begin. (...or rather, continue)

Cait.X

I sometimes wonder.

What I want to look back on my life and see. Will I regret that I don't want to go out and haven't been? Will I give a crap? I really like to think that no, I won't; I'll be too busy being glad that I met the people that I have, worked in the PFC (Penryncoch football club), and had my best friends to my house to poison them with rum. What's important is that I get to spend time with my horse and get the most that I can and the most that I want to out of him. I just hope that I remember that; it's genuinely a little bit of a worry, even though that feels ridiculous.



I love you. I get the feeling that that's all I'll care about at all.





Cait.x