For the first time in my life, I rolled in the new year this year without even considering resolutions or changing myself. I saw it as my anniversary and not as much more. I love that.
But over the past few days I've started to worry that I don't know what to do when Deri's stressed. He's started talking to his ex again, who is also a mate of his (...he says, sometimes) and I, the queen of winding myself up, am slowly winding myself up that they'll meet up when he goes to North Wales, and she'll know how to make his life a better place about the stress and whatnot.
I also know that actually what he wants to do is just get on with things, help other people doing stuff and be practical. "Up and doing" is what he likes. No person can help him with that he just wants to be around people who would need him so that he can be there for them. I know in my heart of hearts that it's a null and void worry.
It doesn't stop me though.
I guess I'm just terrified of losing him. In fact, I know I am; I don't know who I'd be without him because we have all sorts of plans and I love him more than I've known I could.
It feels so pathetic. I've always been the one with the upper hand who could walk away at any time (well, ish - there's always been call for a recovery period but I'm sure you follow overall), so this kind of dependence scares the crap out of me. And because I know how serious this ex is, and how much he loved her..... I get scared.
The song that he couldn't listen to because of her he now can because of me: it's changed all meaning for him because he loves me.
"Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone" is now written about a different girl (though I really wish he'd never told me that he'd thought it about her because it kinda ruined the song for me. I mean, really. Bumole.)
....I should really be more relaxed and confident because my boyfriend thinks the sun shines out my ass and is really goddamn lovely. I just can't help being scared because what if the loveliest man in the world meets an ex and suddenly remembers exactly why he loved her and forgets why he loves me.
It will all be okay; I just can't help but worry a little bit.