Wednesday, 26 December 2012
Well I Wonder.
If you still read this, I will genuinely be taken aback. I don't even know if you'll know who I'm writing about. You're clever enough to, but that doesn't mean that you'll realise... Oh screw it, I'll just make it clear: you, Beast. The reason I haven't spoken to you recently is because I am partly ashamed and upset over what happened between us. I know that you know why it did - I was clinging to you because you have always represented something amazing and comforting to me. But I hate myself for how I handled that. Handled you. I wish we'd either left it, be that for longer or forever, or had started it earlier. I changed your life in a day, twice over, I think. I am beyond sorry. And I hope I made that clear at the time... But it's also partly because I can imagine you saying to your lady friend that I contacted you, and I no longer know you well enough to know what you would be saying about me. I just remember the look in your eyes and smile on your face when you told me that she had contacted you; you'd had a strained conversation and then thought you put it to bed...That changed. Anyway, today I had a little spiral. It started by reading the note that you once left outside my Dad's house on your way past one morning and made me absolutely beam as I read it. Then I thought... I wonder how he is. Then I thought... I wonder how he was. I even looked at our DailyBooths... they're brimming with memories. I remember how many awesome times we had together, how much happened and how much could have happened. I remember you telling me about Tam (no one who reads this will know who I mean) on the way home from school one time; and I'm sorry that I wasn't more there for you... Goddamn, one of the most apologetic posts I think I've ever written. Basically: I miss you, how we were together, the laughs we had. Hugely. And, I'm worried about you. Please, whether you want me near you or not (and believe me I understand why you don't/wouldn't want me to be), keep your head about you. Remember what Tam made you feel, the first time you saw him at Reading (yeah, I remember). And maybe consider what you're doing. You could do so much, change the world in so many ways... Don't throw it away. Of course, have fun, enjoy yourself. But you're fucking clever, funny and witty: there's a lot you could do. I'd say this to you, but I have no right to any more. I doubt I even really have the right to post this, but it's my blog and I think we all know how much goes on here. I hope to god you see this. Even if you don't say anything, want anything to do with me.. Just know that I miss you; that I'm more than sorry; that I hope the best for you no matter what you decide. Bring joy to the world. X