Thursday, 26 April 2012

Photo Thirty Six [L Is For.....]

Well that's today's photo... and now for something completely different.

I have, in my time, met a share of people, and all of them seem to be surprisingly, and somewhat irritatingly, similar.  All wanting the same thing; all seeing the same thing in me; all using everyone and everything around them for their own personal gain.  Not in a life-furthering manner, though; simply so that they can get what they want right now.  Eve is a perfect example of that; she spent a long time convincing me that Oli was using and abusing me, only to have it thrown back in her face when we managed to get through the whole situation, mostly due to how forgiving I am.  That wasn't a fun time in life.

Anyway.  I've used the word "love" before and I haven't meant it.  I chuck it around like anything: "oh, I love you for that!"; "I love chocolate" - whatever.  And in those situations it doesn't mean the same as the kind of love which means ... love.  Relationship love, that which occurs between a boyfriend and girlfriend.  And I told my boyfriend recently that I love him and I don't think he knows what I mean when I say it.  So I thought it would be best to explain it here and now.

When I say love talking about friends, I mean that I think they're pretty cool people and I'll have their backs when they need it.
When I say love with regard to someone lending me money or doing me a favour, I don't mean it.  Not really.
When I say love to my Viking, I mean that he is, or at least will be, my best friend.  That he will be the one to know the most about me.  He's the one person I will cry against, especially because he lets me by holding me close to him.  He's the one that after six months still makes me smile just by being there; makes me happy; gives me butterflies, which is genuinely a first after this long.  He's the one who can make me feel like I'm being torn apart from the heart outwards.  When I say I love him I mean that he's a lot to lose; and that I don't want to lose him, or the lot that comes with him.  Especially because I have so much growing up to do and he's the ideal person to push me into doing it.  Because I'm not there yet; not quite.  I kinda need him at the moment.  Need to have him help me believe in myself enough to do all of the things we've spoken about, from traveling to making life happen.  After all, there's not enough time to sit around wasting it.  Goddamn, when I say I love him, I mean this:
(Even though I think it's already been posted.... it just clarifies a lot.)

I don't see next year as much of an issue because I won't be expecting so much of him.  I won't be expecting to see him every night and that'll make me appreciate the time that we do have together more.  As long as I know he cares, I don't see a problem.
For me, problems often come when I don't feel cared for.  Or when I'm out of my depth... But that's another story.
Anyway, I'm not ready to let him go; and there's no way that we're splitting for no reason.

That wasn't really the point.  But I don't know what was.  Maybe I was trying to define love... But I don't think it's something that's possible, in all honesty.  Then again, I've said "love" to a lot of people and just haven't meant it.  I told Alec that I loved him because he pressured me into it; I told Jack that I loved him because he expected it of me.  Oli I meant, but it still took me a while after it was said to mean it.  Chris... I don't know.  I bent over backwards to keep him happy and I'm not surprised that he cared for me because of it.  But I don't think that I did love him; I just preferred peace to war.  I got peace if I put the work in; I got war if I stood up for myself.  That is the place that I'm happiest that I am not any more.  And I don't think I would go back there; I am very different to the child who arrived at university with an almost impressive lack of knowledge about the world around her.  I think that means that I will behave differently to that girl.  Not least because she was damaged goods, having been made to cry by her ex boyfriend so many times that it was painful; having lost desire to be in control because frankly, when she was in control, she got shit wrong and she couldn't stand the blame.  So there we go.  If you can understand that.  If anyone can.

Oh my this was meant to be my nap time.  Instead, I've eaten quite a lot of chocolate spread and written all of this.  Oh well, I still wanted to say it.

Nap time & just a touch of revision now, I think.
Big love.
Just not quite in the way it is for 'the V'.

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