It begins with appreciation. I've had the best family in the world. Although they've had hard times and bad days, they've always been there for me and for that I am eternally grateful. However, I don't think I'm grateful enough. I was thinking today of Norman. What would happen if - when - he dies? I can't imagine how I'll feel but I know that it'll be so much worse than I expected. For all of my life, the minimum holiday we've had has been to Ireland, to see Norman and Nana. They've given us clothes and, when preparing for uni, all of the crockery and cutlery I have. Norman's taught me loads; he has so many anecdotes and stories he's a fascinating person to listen to, even if that's just to analyse him.
My dad hates him. I hate his driving. But fuck, I would miss him.
I spend all this time ignoring or underappreciating people like Norman and instead spending all of my time craving attention and approval from men, who frankly I should be strong enough to not need. It just seems to be that I'm not that strong. Oli was right. That, or I believed him.
I want to feel like I'm number one. Like there's something I'm the best at or someone I'm the most important to.
But that's another story.