It must be said, that at times I'm terrible at explaining myself. But well. I've cheated once in my life and afterwards is the worst I have ever felt. And that was only kissing. So it's not something that I will be doing again. It's not so much that I don't trust myself - I have as much faith in myself as ever (though we both know that's not the most..) - it's just that I don't trust Dai not to try anything; not to try and sleep with me when he knows how easily he could talk me round, like he did for Freshers. I'm just like Alice, if in Fresher's I'd slept with him it would've meant I woke up in his bed with a memory of sex and gone "wait, what? How did he manage that?"
That is not something that I want to happen, especially because it would affect my relationship. I feel very strongly towards my Viking and don't want that to fuck up. I don't see much chance of us separating or such for the next two years or so, really. We've already had this conversation, though. So I won't pop it online. He knows what I think.
I've been thinking all day about how I've been treated in the past and how I'm treated now, by the Viking. It's so different it's almost unreal. I told him last night; I've been told that I'm great a hundred times, but he's the first person to make me realise that actually, people can do more than just say it. They can show it, make you feel amazing, make you feel like you truly are something special. That's what he does, and I hope to God I can, will be able to, or do for him. He's the reason I'm organising how to live my life, instead of just saying "I will, I will", secretly worrying how the person who I'm in a relationship with is going to react to it.. As let's face it, I'm a relationship person, rightly or wrongly. The only time Chris supported me was when we were so new into our relationship that he would look pretty crap doing anything but supporting me. That was when I wanted to go to America for a year, and started contacting ranches about working with them, but it fell through.
I like to think that I've started to take less shit. Not a lot less, but I'm slowly getting there. When I say this, I'm excluding Josh and how he takes advantage of me because he hardly counts. I can't be bothered to care about that yet, not until I bother rearranging my room so that I have room for my crockery and everything in here.
But I remember one time Alec had a huge go at me because I called him a loser. He then insulted me (in a casual way like that) loads, got huffy when I got annoyed and had a go at him, then I spent about twenty minutes telling him that it's all ok and there's no problem. No goddamn wonder I was in over my head there, no wonder that it went tits up. There was nothing to that relationship, to be honest. Should've given up on him and spent more time with Buzz instead. Maybe if Buzz were here, we would get on better; have a better time working together. But let's not go down that path - 'what if's are never the way forwards. Anyway, the point of that little tangent is that now I let people know when I'm pissed off at them, at least. It's a start. I think that's because of Viking face too. In fact, I know it is.
In short, I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you. For everything. And for everything that is yet to come. I can't wait to find out what it is.