Day 10.

25/01/2013

Utter Mess.

Another night out, this time because I'm an idiot who doesn't say "no". Drank a small amount of vodka which got me horribly drunk because it was a mix of lots of different ones. Ended up horribly drunk and spent a long time climbing around roofs and whatnot with Felix and Deri. Good stuff, kinda.

My brain's not working. Roll on my Sunday off.

Cait.X

Day 9.

24/01/2013

"Call me mabey" on my arm, thanks to someone who once wrote his number on me with that sentence.

Beautiful.

It started with a day of stress with the exam but two of the questions I could have blagged answers to and one that I answered comprehensively came up. Good questions. So I'm pretty sure I won't be back in Summer; not for these modules anyway.

I then went to Weatherspoons with my friends and had a burger and a pint which was a good way of de-stressing. I saw the boy for a smoke which was nice, though I really shouldn't - standard stuff. I managed to see him again later in the afternoon which was even better because I had time to actually spend with him...

So basically had a night out, to celebrate the end of exams. Didn't particularly feel the elation that you usually do after exams for some reason, but there we go. It was damn good craic. Becca's mate was down so it was really nice to meet her too. Awesome. :)

Cait.X

Dear Me;

You know what you want from life. You much better know what you don't want from life, how you don't want to look and come across.

The question is, why do you keep drinking that much and making a damn fool of yourself (you assume, because you can't remember anything)? Fucking stop it. You're worth more than what you're giving yourself.

From now on:

Mondays - use frees to write up notes. Maybe ride in the morning, as you have until 11, but this could be a good day off. Leave Nomad in to make your life easier.
Tuesdays - write up notes after lecture, then ride in the evening. You'll have all day to work so you better get started on Event Management immediately, so that when Business is assigned, you can do one at a time and not overdo it so that you get immensely stressed. It's Penri's lecture in the morning which means you need to LEAVE the yard BY 8.30 so you can get to Penglais on time.
Wednesdays - work until about 1. Get Nomad in relatively early so that you can ride.
Thursdays - ride in the morning then work until event management. It's probably best to work on Penglais, so that you don't have to stop too early.. But that's entirely up to how you feel on the day. You've got Research Methods at 5 so you better make sure that you finish up early enough to get over to Hugh Owen.
Fridays - Make sure that you leave the yard on time. You need to learn to get up to your first alarm and you can NOT burn the candle at both ends. Both physically and materially, you cannot afford to. You can probably go out on Friday nights as you'll have the extra hour on Saturdays, but not every week. You can't afford it.

Be sensible.

Cait.X

Day 8.

23/01/2013

Alfie, one of the cutest horses on the yard, I reckon.

I spent my day revising and stressing and eating quite a lot.  I was with Emily, in the year above me, who owns this lovely beast. That meant that I managed to revise quite a lot (because she's done most of it before me), which made me feel better about my exam.
Still managed to panic when I went to meet Becca and Melissa (who is trying desperately to be all "Becca and I are closer than you and her are HAH - which is fucking exhausting)... But by the time I left Starbucks (where they were, new thing in the union innit), I was feeling ok because Mel and I went through some of the questions and it should be ok. Fingers crossed.
Night with the boy much appreciated.

Cait.X

Day 7.

22/01/2013

My friend Lucy, riding Nomad for me.

Since I hit the deck my back's been dodgy, so I've not been riding. But decided that a ride for the beast was necessary, so asked my friend Lucy to ride him for me. He was absolutely excellent, considered bucking once but that was because he ended up running into the transition so it sort of makes sense. She taught me a lot about what she was doing so with a bit of luck, next time I'm on him it should go much smoother. Good times!

Cait.X

Day 6.

21/01/2013

The one advantage to the early mornings has got to be the views.

A horse, to me, is a symbol of much more than four legs and an ability to push you over. It is a source of constant amazement to me that not only do horses let us on them, in the way that they instinctively wouldn't in the wild because it's the same way that they would get attacked (they would get launched at from the side, the animal would then claw into their backs until they killed them), but they also let us harness the power that they have to our own advantage and we've managed to make this all into an entire aspect of culture. I am fully aware, of course, that their brains are the size of a walnut but without the sense of charm, but it still impresses me.

To me, however, horses signify power, as I mentioned, and freedom. One of the reasons that I named Nomad as such (the one that I say less, I usually say "well he looks like a gypsy but I thought that was too girly") was because he made me imagine riding through America. From the top to the bottom, roughly, working along the way for food and board and a stable - or at least a patch of land. Horses thrive off routine but I'm sure it would work out. It would be an amazing experience and would justify the expense of transporting him over there, because it would be for a good few years before I would return and settle down. That's what I mean by "freedom". The ability to go anywhere and do anything. I also remember when I was depressed and had a horse called Willis on loan. I would go out for rides that would be hours and hours long, and for those hours I wouldn't have a care in the world except for the horse under me and how he was going. I adored that animal. I can still now remember the feeling of coming back onto the yard after being out with him and how the world and all its seriousness came crushing down onto my shoulders, like a weight being added as soon as I re-entered the real world.

I think I've previously written a post about this... but well, it just needed said, if I'm honest.

Cait.X

Day 5.

20/01/2013

A day when every photograph I took of myself showed huge bags and unruly hair, so you get one of my pony, instead.

I may get behind on posting, but I'm still taking photos every day. Admittedly not of myself, but there we go. This 365 will document myself, the world around me, and how I react to that world.

So the 20th and 21st (and, for that matter, the 22nd) primarily involve a lot of good will and not a lot of practicality and getting things done. I try to revise but I'm absolutely shot, completely exhausted.. Which makes it pretty challenging to make anything sink into my ridiculous brain box.

I've spent a lot of time with the boy of late (which of course I enjoy), which means he's often there when my friends are. I tihnk they're starting to be aware of this because they keep saying that they've missed me. At least they're making it obvious because this way I can address it. I'll make sure to go to his a bit later, so that I can spend time with Becca and everyone more. I definitely don't want Becca to feel like I'm neglecting her; she's one that I want to stay friends with for, well, ever, really.

My back's not really getting better. I thought it was on the 20th & 21st but woke up on the 22nd and could barely sit up to change my alarms. It's not a good thing.I'm getting completely ahead of myself; I'll have to think of vaguely creative things to put in posts on the upcoming two days.....

Cait.X

Day 4.

19/01/13

Freshhh.

The thing with people is that it doesn't matter how long you know them, sometimes. It just matters that you saw them on the street that one time; it matters that you held their hand on the trampoline; it matters that they were near you when you needed someone or something and just didn't know what.
Scroobius Pip says this better than me during the banter on 'Words', before 'Try Dying', but I think I'm getting my point across.

I think that because of that, because you don't know what would've happened if you hadn't known whatever people you previously have, you can't fully and completely regret anything, really... As long as you like where you are now, or the direction that you're headed in.
Maybe you fucked up. But what's to say that you would be the person you are today if you hadn't? I honestly, truly and with all my heart believe that everything happens for a reason. Even if it does sometimes take us a while to see what the reason is or could be.

I'm aware that the boy is important to me not least because he makes me want to write again. He makes me want to see the world and have some fun and go kinda crazy, just in a safe (and cheap) way. I like him for that.

Also I watched The Bucket List with him (well sort of, we were talking through most of it. about every thing. Everything I'd been thinking (though I didn't tell him), and a whole lot more besides...) last night which got me thinking about how if you feel something, surely you should just say it. But when I spoke to B: about it, she was exactly right (my voice of reason so she is): you don't want to jump in with both feet to find out that it'll just backfire. "Head first, fearless" only works to a point. All that can be done is to wait and see and find out what happens.

Also, this is awesome.
(It's what I listened to instead of revising in the library today, after doing a lovely wee flying show from my horse to my back. Quite an abrupt movement, but hey, I'm sure it's fine!)

Day 3.

18/01/13

[not my best look]

This is to everyone out there that's listening; from anyone that ever let you down and went missing.

...Broken promise.


I'm tired and feel ill.
I'm sorting everything out, though: I've cleaned the kitchen and bathroom and am tidying my room at the moment (well, I was, but I got bored and started blogging) so I'm sorting everything out. I just need to focus: I keep trying to do everything and end up doing badly at it all.
I'm now going to:
- Focus on work
- Focus on the horse
- Not go out that much
- Try not to do ridiculous things that piss other people off.

I just spoke to Becca though and apologised for being a knob and said that I'd done what I can to make it better. So now I'm pretty sure that she's fine with me. All I have to do is convince her and my other friends that I don't want to go out tonight. I think I'd rather have a night in with the boy.. Last night we did that - a romantic night watching the IT Crowd (then a programme which was about Buck the horse whisperer type lad, which was awesomee) and eating KFC. A warm welcome to the impending scurvy.

The boy..... I think it's going to get pretty serious. I think I love him. Won't tell him yet, but you know the phrase "once you know, you know"? ... I think I know. This is the first time I've made that vaguely public. I'm scared. That's a really serious thing to say and I don't want to curse it or find out I'm wrong or something... But I do feel like there's something special there. Like we have some mileage. To the point where... No, I'm going to stop talking. Too much, too soon, perhaps. Though the thing is that this doesn't feel much like a honeymoon period, it feels much more like ... genuine, proper feelings. He makes me go all tingly when he kisses me, he makes me feel so safe... He's amazing. And he loves me. And takes care of me, helps me, is wonderful to me. It's terrifying but I really think there's something lasting going on here. Well, I'm certain that I will keep you posted whether you like it or not...! - now to call it enough and go do some revision. I hate scientific subjects.

Cait.X

Day 2.

17/01/13

I came up to university to make sure that I updated my CV and printed job applications before doing a shedload of revision. It's taken longer than expected, though: I've been here for 2 hours and all I've done is update my CV and print a couple of things I need... It took a while.

I didn't end up getting revision done. I did get shouted at by my landlady though. And my yard manager. I was seriously glad that the boy was there... He got concerned because I didn't have a big fuck off grin on him, bless him.

I've pissed off my housemate too. You see, my landlady inspected our house before new year so I assumed that the second time I left it wouldn't be much problem and there was no particular need to clean the house top to bottom. However, she came back when I was in Colchester and saw the house was messy and didn't approve. Then it was also messy when she came to inspect it this time, or at least my room was, and got pissed off and said that if it's that messy again we'll be given notice.
So now my housemate blames me (obviously, it's my fault) and is sitting in her room avoiding me. Fab. I've cleaned the bathroom and kitchen though, and will just make sure to actually keep on top of stuff. I knew I was letting things slip and was going to sort everything out already... I'm just annoyed at myself for annoying my best friend in Aberystwyth to the point where she tweets "Will I come back next year, and if I do, where will I live?" - or words to that effect.
Fail, Cait.

Anyway. Photo is from the night out I went on, taken after midnight so it's all good. Nice stain there, isn't it... Oops.

Time to get on with stuff.
Cait.X

Day 1.

15/01/13

Hello world.
Look, it's me, and I look exhausted and whatnot. Now I feel exhausted and sick because I ate too much chocolate.

This was a fantastic day to start 365 with.

Last night, I arranged a birthday night out for Becca, during which we all got rather drunk. Me less so than other people, but such is life. Still enjoyable.
We danced around Yokos, which was empty; had heart to hearts on sofas over the noise of shitty music; and let Deri get hit on by an abundance of gay men in Angel. Deri, Becca and I walked back to Cambrian and Becca got a taxi home. Then Deri and I shared a cigarette that I stole off Moultrie (every time I walk away from him and he's not expecting it, I get a strange sense of satisfaction. It was even better when I took the rollie, had a little conversation with him, then walked off with Becca and Deri, saying "thanks" over my shoulder) at the door to the Cam, once I had got changed from my dress into his pyjama trousers and jumper. There is something inordinately comfortable about men's pyjamas. We then went upstairs and had rum and talked and cuddled and had very little sleep. Then we got up the next morning and I had to wear his clothes, which was unexpected but quite amusing.
He drove me to the stables and helped me sort out my pony. He's ever so lovely with Nomad, seems to understand horses and what they mean to me and he has a way of interacting with Nomad which is really nice to watch. It's interesting. He was raised around horses, so it's interesting seeing how that's effected him.

So once we'd finished sorting out Nomad, we left to go and have some goulash that he has cooked a while ago. He decided to turn right out of the yard then suddenly said, "want to go for a drive?" ... So we did. Then he kept on going and turned around the first bend in the road to show and in front of us were mountains rolling and spiking into the distance, all covered in blankets of snow of varying thicknesses over them.
I don't know what the name of the first place that he took me. But he pulled over into a layby and told me to get out so that he could show me something awesome. So we got out and walked around a corner, and up a little slope to a bench.
"Your surprise is behind that bench."
And behind that bench was a long valley of rolling fields and hills. With beautiful snowy mountains on either side and the fields stretching as far as the land went; we could see to Aberystwyth and hints of the sea through the hills.

Then we drove on and he took me to Devil's Bridge. We couldn't go in because it was so spontaneous that we had no money (it looked pretty closed, too, but still) - or camera, or anything really. The waterfall was spectacular. It is beautiful. It falls and moves so freely down then around the rocks at the bottom. It creates a bubbled, foamy look about it which is truly ethereal.

The best bit was the elan valley. Deri told me that about 100 years ago, the water board bought the land and put down rules which are strictly enforced: no swimming, no new fences, no bonfires... Nothing new or changing. So the whole thing is exactly the same as it was 100 years ago. It's amazing.
We drove past the marshes and the boy was talking about how there are signs saying to not follow the lights which are emitted from the marshes because people see lights in the marshes and follow them, but don't tend to come out again. After them, it was stunning: there were beautiful lakes which were so still that they could have been frozen over. You could have taken a photograph of the lake and snow covered mountains and the browned trees in front of them and not known which way was up thanks to the amazing stillness of the water. There was no movement whatsoever, it was beautiful.
This water eventually led to old, Victorian dams which are fantastically well made. He told me that when the dam is open, there is usually water gushing past, and I've seen footage of it exploding out of the wall. It looks spectacular...shame Birmingham wasn't getting water!

He then drove us back to his, where he gave me some goulash that he cooked and we cuddled up and had a nap before I went up to the yard to sort out and ride young Nomad. It was such a lovely ride, too.

Absolutely fantastic day: a flying start to this here 365! :)

Cait.X

Easy now, wild one.

I am debating whether or not to do another 365... I think I might, ladies and gents! How very exciting!
This idea began because i was thinking ablut how this year has got off to a flying start. Young DM, who i'm seeing at the moment, is making me one hell of a happy bunny quite regularly (see previous posts - i'll try not to keep gushing about kissing under the stars or dancing in the street tooo much..) and it's going rather well. Much to the misfortune of my friend Fe, who has never seen me soft on a guy before (we weren't really close when i was with Henrik), who seems to not enjoy it quite as much as he and i do. Oh well though, it's good fun. It's strange how much yesterday i didn't want him to leave when he had plans to. I kept quiet, but still. Anyway, that's not the point. Probably.
the problem with having this level of emotion, because i do like the boy quite a bit, is that Henrik and I broke up for a reason. It would be really hard work. This is one of the things that Becca has had the sense to point out to me ince I arrived here; I have a lot on what with the horse and uni work and the impending doom for whenever I can actually get a job... He also works quite a bit, so spare time would not be in abundance. it truly would be hard.I say this... he us a different person to those that i've been with before. he's a hopeless romantic so I'm damn near certain that he would put work into the relationship and would help make it work... I guess this will have to be a caae of trying and seeing. Because I don't want to quot now, not after what he's said to me and how he treats me. No no. Instead, I think that i'll talk to him about it and let him know that it's on my mind. Then we can take things a bit slower, perhaps, see how it goes when we're both working for uni, etc, again, and when NOmad's back. I know he'd be willing to help me with NOmad, which is cool. Make things easier on one front.
I guess I'll just have to chance my arm...Though i'm pretty cert that rejection is a slim risk, to say the least!:-)

Anyway. I started writing this post instead of revising, on the train to Colchester to see Becca for her birthday. This is exciting. I've not seen her since the 17th of December so may heaven help anyone who's near us when we meet again. I think we may squeal. It feels exciting going to Colchester, a place i've never been. Living it up in Essex! We're going to go to the zoo and everything. Awesome. And see my dear broseph, not to mention her lovely dogs and family and whatnot. The only problem with this is that i have to stay awake for more than about 20 minutes when i'm off the train, and i am exhaustd.

I Want To Dance.

I want lust and love and a smattering of romance. But I'm no good at dancing, and yet I have to do something. Tonight I'm gonna play it straight, I'm gonna take my chance. I want to dance.



I can't remember if I posted about what it is I want in a partner. But essentially, it's spontenaity, fun, an interest in the world, and intelligence. And I think I may be one step closer to finding that. I'm seeing someone at the moment who I think is fantastic. He's funny to the point where when we joke around, I sometimes can't breathe because I'm laughing so hard. He looks at me with such affection that it makes me smile just to look into his eyes. I enjoy being in his company, I enjoy seeing how genuine and true he is. He's definitely interested in me, which I can tell because of how he acts and what he says.

"Hey, is this your girlfriend?" "Kind of . . . I hope so."

He's a Welsh poet with 80s boufant hair and beautiful green eyes. The only fault I can find is that he's about the same height as me and I usually go for people who are taller than me . . . but I am more than willing to overlook such an insignificant thing. He learns fast and lots of things about me, I trusted him immediately, to the point where I told him things so close to my heart that they're only really in this blog. Not everything, nowhere near everything, but it's amazing being around someone like him.

"now that you've said that punctuation gets you hot under the collar, I'll have to point out that that was an oxymoron."

We kissed at midnight on new year's eve, then when we were walking home he stopped me in the street and danced with me, dipping me to the ground . . . and he stopped me in the middle of the road to kiss me. Just like I've already said I want.

It's amazing.

He's travelled a lot, cycled all over the place, has a functioning family and interesting mind. He's beautifully poetic and romantic, he's passionate, he's affectionate. Pretty damned awesome.

And this is the only place that I can go all gushy because I don't particularly want to bore my friends.

At the same time, I want to document this feeling. This amazement at the chance I've actually found something that I want. I hope that this goes well. I don't see why it wouldn't, but surely, why would I? . . . So we'll maintain the hope for now.

Anyway, I'm running late to see my friends for a night of chips and wine.
Night night everyone.

Love life. Love you. Love love.
X