Pressure

I feel like, recently, I have become impossible to please.

I spent the best summer travelling Europe with the man I love and since we got back, I've been working non-stop; or so it feels. I was stressed beyond belief because I don't have a laptop to put my research onto, then have been stressed about money because I don't have any.
I've been supported through all of this by Deri but I can't help feeling like because he's the one closest to me, he's going to have one hell of a time with me.

 Take last night. He asked me to do two little things around the house. One, I accept completely; the other (not to leave dishes in the sink) was the most annoying thing because I'd only started doing it since being in they house because he did it. He says that's different because he's going to do it the next morning. He doesn't, not necessarily; and anyway, how is that really fair? If you want something done then don't do it yourself. It's natural to say "oh no no I don't so they", it's also very easy to do, but saying that it's different when you do it is absolutely wank and a sure way to piss off anyone, especially your lady friend.

I always later think to myself "come on Cait, it's only the fucking dishes", then remember that a) if it was only the ducking dishes, he wouldn't care about it; and b) I've been told before that things like that break people up.

I know that's weird and paranoid but I really don't want anything to be wrong between us so if there's a way of not having it happen, I will obviously do that. So I guess it's time to talk about it.

Though another thing, he said yesterday that he felt strange. I thought that meant ill so when he told me it meant strangely pissy I was completely useless. I meant to say that I'd been worried because I didn't want him to feel ill and wanted to take care of him but only said that he should've told me he meant pissy. That's not a helpful comment, Cait.

I worry that living together with another person there is harder than anticipated. Because this didn't happen when we were alone... But that said, maybe it would've anyway. I really don't know.

I just hope that we get time together, try actively for neither of us to be hypocrites about day-to-day life, and I manage to relax and get time to myself too, because I bet having none of it is related.

Once again; a deep breath to begin. (...or rather, continue)

Cait.X

I sometimes wonder.

What I want to look back on my life and see. Will I regret that I don't want to go out and haven't been? Will I give a crap? I really like to think that no, I won't; I'll be too busy being glad that I met the people that I have, worked in the PFC (Penryncoch football club), and had my best friends to my house to poison them with rum. What's important is that I get to spend time with my horse and get the most that I can and the most that I want to out of him. I just hope that I remember that; it's genuinely a little bit of a worry, even though that feels ridiculous.



I love you. I get the feeling that that's all I'll care about at all.





Cait.x

Yet another breaking of the silence.

Since I spoke to you last, I have driven through Europe; I have had the words "marry me" said to be (don't tell, though; it doesn't count. I want it to genuinely, but it didn't happen in a way that meant it would mean anything if you know what I mean...and now it doesn't. I so want to be with him forever. I want to be engaged to him); have moved in with my boyfriend and have had his friend move in.



Fraser is his friend and is a man whose concept of money is very different to mine and Deri's. One of the problems I had when we were moving in was that it was hard to realise this place was ours, because my Dad was here for a week then Deri's parents were here and only the did I get the chance to settle in at all. Now, I'm used to Deri being here and we cohabit fantastically, working around each other and getting on easily. It's a beautiful place to come home to.



Today, I came home from work (oh yeah I got a job too) with tired eyes and a wish to speak to my daddy. Fraser was sat on his big expensive TV with his PS2 SO LOUD. No one can be so deaf that they need the shouts of their war game THAT LOUD around them. I now have tired-er eyes and a sore head, so I'm going to make a cup of tea and cuddle up in bed with a film and wait for my boy to come home.



The thing is that Deri, Fraser and I haven't had any conversations about electricity and things. Deri and I both know that we're tight bitches who can't afford to leave lights on, etc. Now I just walked down from my room (I do feel a bit bad that I said hi to Fraser briefly then went straight upstairs to talk to my Dad, spoke for an hour then he was gone by the time I left so it genuinely looks like I'm doing this on purpose. Good thing he doesn't take shit seriously or personally really) - and there were three lights left on, none of which he was in the same place as. Not even lights in the place where he was! ... We just need to all talk about it, is all. Because he has a different attitude to us. I turn everything off at the plug because I'm paranoid and last year I paid about 90 for a quarter, meaning that two of us spent about £180. I hope that it's not much over that this time.



When I walk beside her, I am the better man.

I love Eddie Vedder.



Anyway. My new job is in the same place as Deri's, waitressing on a Sunday. That's a shame because it means that I won't be able to go to a show with Lucy and Amy which would be completely amazing, but it does mean that I'll be able to afford to live no matter what, because I'm still not sure that my student loan is going to come through. That's not a lovely feeling.



I've started work on my dissertation, too. Interval training on riding school horses, which means that Shelley has been trotting 4 horses up a hill for me twice weekly. I am immensely grateful and am really enjoying the work, but haven't been able to get a computer yet which is really fucking bad. I hate that. I need that. It's been so, so stressful: at the moment, all of my dissertation information is on ONE device and there's only one way that I can get it off, and this computer is it. Luckily, a lovely man called Colin is going to be giving me one tomorrow - which I'm very happy about.





Basically, I'm fucking happy. For everyone in my life, who are all getting on and doing what they want to; for myself, who has the man of her dreams and the horse of beyond them and the friends that she wouldn't change for anything; and for everyone who's happy anyway.



Ohh chin up world, it's fucking beautiful out there!



Cait.X