Photo Forty Eight

Welcome to how shite I look with next to no sleep, at 3.30am

No wonder I don't think I'll make much of a Mother.

I've lost the ability to sleep well, it seems.  And I just don't know why.  There have been a lot of things going on in my head, I know that for sure, but I can't honestly say that they're all worthwhile, or all sleep depriving.  I'm sure that one of them should be, in fact, but it isn't.  I fall asleep for about half an hour at a time then wake up tossing and turning and frantic in my mind but I can never remember what I've been thinking about or dreaming of.  I then proceed to stay awake for somewhere between 30 minutes and an hour, trying to think of how to calm down and sleep again.  It seems next to impossible, sometimes.
So we've got to 3.45 and I'm wide awake in my mind, and exhausted in my eyes.
My granda's taking me to church tomorrow; I better not fall asleep.

Let's just go through a few things, shall we?
Well the biggest thing in the life of Cat at the moment is that I've bought a horse.  He's big and beautiful and called Nomad.  He's going to cost me a fortune though, which is what I've been looking into for the past two days and it's going to be hard next year making ends meet.  I won't be able to do it without a job.  I hope that it works out.  That's bollocks actually: it will work out and if I really can't afford it then I'll sell him trained up as a five year old, for a huge profit.  There is a very, very low chance of that happening though, because I love that horse already and it'll really take something to stop.

Next is one that I find a bit hard.  Very hard.  It's you.  I hate this.  We hardly talk, I hardly know anything about your summer, you hardly know about mine.  You would've been great to have around the corner a couple of times over the past two weeks, with the bitchiness that I've been dealing with.  But I hate this.  I hate not being with you and having the advantages of being with you while also not having the actual single life.  At least you were right about long distance relationships, they are ass.
When I talk about you people sometimes joke that we'll get married and I reply "nah", or whatever; and both they and I are starting to find that weirder and weirder.  I still hate not having a future and the knowledge of that, but you should know I've always felt that.  I just seem to be noticing it at the moment.
I know this isn't the time or the place to be saying this but it's the only place I'm writing right now and the only time I will.  So sorry for saying it like this, but it's stuff you should be aware is passing through my mind.

I can hear my granda coughing in his bed... Oh bless him.  I hope he's well.  I do love him ever so much.

Well I guess I've said my peace...  Have a good day, everyone. (: