Photo Forty Eight

Welcome to how shite I look with next to no sleep, at 3.30am

No wonder I don't think I'll make much of a Mother.

I've lost the ability to sleep well, it seems.  And I just don't know why.  There have been a lot of things going on in my head, I know that for sure, but I can't honestly say that they're all worthwhile, or all sleep depriving.  I'm sure that one of them should be, in fact, but it isn't.  I fall asleep for about half an hour at a time then wake up tossing and turning and frantic in my mind but I can never remember what I've been thinking about or dreaming of.  I then proceed to stay awake for somewhere between 30 minutes and an hour, trying to think of how to calm down and sleep again.  It seems next to impossible, sometimes.
So we've got to 3.45 and I'm wide awake in my mind, and exhausted in my eyes.
My granda's taking me to church tomorrow; I better not fall asleep.

Let's just go through a few things, shall we?
Well the biggest thing in the life of Cat at the moment is that I've bought a horse.  He's big and beautiful and called Nomad.  He's going to cost me a fortune though, which is what I've been looking into for the past two days and it's going to be hard next year making ends meet.  I won't be able to do it without a job.  I hope that it works out.  That's bollocks actually: it will work out and if I really can't afford it then I'll sell him trained up as a five year old, for a huge profit.  There is a very, very low chance of that happening though, because I love that horse already and it'll really take something to stop.

Next is one that I find a bit hard.  Very hard.  It's you.  I hate this.  We hardly talk, I hardly know anything about your summer, you hardly know about mine.  You would've been great to have around the corner a couple of times over the past two weeks, with the bitchiness that I've been dealing with.  But I hate this.  I hate not being with you and having the advantages of being with you while also not having the actual single life.  At least you were right about long distance relationships, they are ass.
When I talk about you people sometimes joke that we'll get married and I reply "nah", or whatever; and both they and I are starting to find that weirder and weirder.  I still hate not having a future and the knowledge of that, but you should know I've always felt that.  I just seem to be noticing it at the moment.
I know this isn't the time or the place to be saying this but it's the only place I'm writing right now and the only time I will.  So sorry for saying it like this, but it's stuff you should be aware is passing through my mind.

I can hear my granda coughing in his bed... Oh bless him.  I hope he's well.  I do love him ever so much.

Well I guess I've said my peace...  Have a good day, everyone. (:

The Past Seven Weeks.

Emotional; stressful; tiring.  That would pretty much cover the first seven weeks of my oh so exciting summer.

I arrived and was really happy here for a week, until I noticed the politics of the place.  I tried to ride Dermot's horse, a beautiful grey gelding that I've named Nomad and have decided to buy, but I wasn't allowed because of said politics.  It's been damn hard work getting through this time.

I'm impressed that I managed to stay here for most of the time.  One weekend I went to my grandparents' house and slept in until 8.30 (ooh) and managed to actually relax.  I came back feeling refreshed and better until I saw a housemate and she made me feel bad again by talking about how much fun she's having and how many opportunities she gets.  I'm jealous of her, but equally glad that I'm not such a bitch as her.. I guess that means I'll not make it, or something, but I honestly don't care.  I want to train, not ruin people.

I've changed since I've been here, though; I've learned how to be on my own and what it means to be independent, though I've been very dependent on my Dad sometimes.. but I think that's fine ("The only man a girl can depend on is her daddy" - to quote Grease).  I've done a lot of thinking and I think I've made some life decisions which I'm not going to post on here.  I've rebelled.  I've decided to buy a horse... and therefore, I've decided to change my life.  It'd be exciting if I wasn't worried about my report that I'll get at the end of my time here: I rode a horse without permission and my boss is raging about it.  My dad doesn't think I have much to worry about, which is just as well... I just hope to God that he's right and it'll be okay.  Six weeks without putting a foot wrong can't be completely disregarded based on one incident; it'll go down on my report alongside me being a damn hard worker - I hope to God, at least.  You can tell I'm serious because I said "I hope to God" twice in two sentences.

Anyway... This has been a learning curve, I suppose.  The thing I've learnt mostly is what Dermot put into words for me: "Keep yourself to yourself, and that should apply to any job, because you don't know who's listening."  Word gets around places like that.
Another point it's made me learn is that I don't want to work somewhere like that.  I'll be much happier if I teach people to ride and teach horses to be ridden and it all takes place on a lower key, without so much messiness, and with more respect for each other; like what Dermot, Mary Ann and Tina have together.

So there we go.  Only one more working day and I am not sad to be leaving.

I didn't expect to make the connections that I have, with some of the people here, like Chloe, Dermot, Mary Ann and Tina (surprised?) .. and I hope those relationships will last, at least on a professional level with Dermot so that if I'm back in Ireland I can visit him and ask him for horses to train, for tips, or just for rides.  He said that he likes me both as a person and a rider so I'll be willing to bet that he'd be fine with it.  I just hope he doesn't change his number, that way it'll be much easier!

One more working day; then some coffee in Jeremy's; and fuck it, I'm not going to the yard to say bye on Saturday morning... the important ones I'll say bye to on Friday.  The only reason I'll go there on Saturday will be to say bye to Dermot, because I don't know if he's working on Friday.  I think I'll ride the horse on Friday too, mostly just because I've basically bought him so they've no right to say otherwise.  I hope.

Fingers crossed about everything.
Big love.

Stand Up.

As I've mentioned, at the moment, I'm on a work experience placement at Castle Leslie, in Glaslough, Ireland.  Much as I love this placement, I'm finding it very difficult to get anything.  I'm the only student who is not being paid; I don't get anything that I ask for; and they expect me to pay €10 every time I want to jump over about 30cm high.

So, once again, it is action time.

Not entirely my point, but I have it stuck in my head after writing this post, which seemed like a sign from God.

Last night I got to ride my boss's horse, so today, when I go into work, I'm going to try to find said boss and tell her that I'm going to ride him tomorrow, and Sinead, who is another student, will help me.  Because I think that I can learn loads from that horse and that girl, who has been trained by professional showjumpers for a very long time and knows her stuff.  I'm a good rider but I'm not as good as her and I don't get things laid out for me like she does.  I say that, she doesn't get things laid out.  She came here knowing precisely what she wants from this experience and knowing exactly how to get it, so now people don't bother talking against her and they just go with it, understanding that she knows what she's capable of.  So obviously, I need to do that.

While I'm talking to my boss, I'm going to tell her that what I'm interested in and want to have a career in is schooling and training young horses.  I've backed a horse before and have retrained young horses who are entirely green and have retrained racehorses until they're round and supple, and I think that I could train a young horse and want to try my hand at it.  I have my own insurance and would hold no affiliation to castle leslie when I do it because it's mine and Dermot's (who owns the horse) decision.  I think that I can do this.  I think that I WILL do this... Because I don't want to walk away complaining that someone's stopped me from doing what I want to.

Stand up and fight.

Today I will also go to my slightly less senior boss and tell her that I want to do proper jumping and I don't want to pay for it because they're not paying me and I can barely afford food let alone €10 per class.  I won't ask for the money because actually I have parents who spoil me rotten and help me out with money, and I just got my deposit from my university room back (£95 out of £100 - because Rachel and I went to the university and claimed no responsibility for the state of our flat and fought to get our money back.  I genuinely feel inspired by the fact that it worked.) - so I can afford to survive, I just can't afford to chuck money at what I should, by right and what I was promised before I came here, have.  This is happening.

Stand up. We shall not be moved.