Well I Wonder.

If you still read this, I will genuinely be taken aback. I don't even know if you'll know who I'm writing about. You're clever enough to, but that doesn't mean that you'll realise... Oh screw it, I'll just make it clear: you, Beast. The reason I haven't spoken to you recently is because I am partly ashamed and upset over what happened between us. I know that you know why it did - I was clinging to you because you have always represented something amazing and comforting to me. But I hate myself for how I handled that. Handled you. I wish we'd either left it, be that for longer or forever, or had started it earlier. I changed your life in a day, twice over, I think. I am beyond sorry. And I hope I made that clear at the time... But it's also partly because I can imagine you saying to your lady friend that I contacted you, and I no longer know you well enough to know what you would be saying about me. I just remember the look in your eyes and smile on your face when you told me that she had contacted you; you'd had a strained conversation and then thought you put it to bed...That changed. Anyway, today I had a little spiral. It started by reading the note that you once left outside my Dad's house on your way past one morning and made me absolutely beam as I read it. Then I thought... I wonder how he is. Then I thought... I wonder how he was. I even looked at our DailyBooths... they're brimming with memories. I remember how many awesome times we had together, how much happened and how much could have happened. I remember you telling me about Tam (no one who reads this will know who I mean) on the way home from school one time; and I'm sorry that I wasn't more there for you... Goddamn, one of the most apologetic posts I think I've ever written. Basically: I miss you, how we were together, the laughs we had. Hugely. And, I'm worried about you. Please, whether you want me near you or not (and believe me I understand why you don't/wouldn't want me to be), keep your head about you. Remember what Tam made you feel, the first time you saw him at Reading (yeah, I remember). And maybe consider what you're doing. You could do so much, change the world in so many ways... Don't throw it away. Of course, have fun, enjoy yourself. But you're fucking clever, funny and witty: there's a lot you could do. I'd say this to you, but I have no right to any more. I doubt I even really have the right to post this, but it's my blog and I think we all know how much goes on here. I hope to god you see this. Even if you don't say anything, want anything to do with me.. Just know that I miss you; that I'm more than sorry; that I hope the best for you no matter what you decide. Bring joy to the world. X

Fond enough to be scared.

You seem like a very sound person.  You make me laugh so hard I can't talk, you're affectionate, you're sweet.  You're a little bit short but I really don't give a shit.
You partly remind me of JMJ and of JB.   I'm not sure how much I like that, but it seems to be the best bits of at least one of them.  I think you might be clingy.... but I can deal with that.  I think.

I would like to better know you.  I would like to find out if the face that I'm looking forwards to getting back to Aber because it means seeing you is because it's you, not because it's someone like you.  These are the things I will never get past.  I will never get into a relationship or whatever without wondering this.

Talking to myself but never listening.

I will always, without fail, wonder whether or not I'm going back to old habits or whether I'm falling for the person.  I tend to put the best people in "the friend zone", which I think happened with JB, but there we go... I bet we can see what happens well enough.  I just know that I'll be scared, and will force you to take it slow between us.  And it won't become "facebook official" for a while to say the least.  I don't want people to know about me at the moment, and I don't know why.  I think that's kinda a sign when it comes to you; I told you so much, so fast.


I keep trying to say flaws with you ... I think that's a sign of my defences being raised just a wee bit.  That's not fantastic... But whatever, we'll see.

Fingers crossed and hopes conserved... Head first, fearless.

In this city.

I know a guy who I thought was one of the most genuine, wholesome people in my life.  He's engaged to a girl he rarely sees, who studies in Switzerland.  He doesn't see why people would sleep around and cheat and be disrespectful to their partners in that way and I honestly respected that so much.  I would never be able to survive a long distance relationship like that and I was impressed that he could, with such love in his words, with such dedication to his partner who he honestly was in love with.

And then I find out that he's fucked one of my mates.

Not just once, no.  Twice a day.  Routinely.
And he initiated it.

Now all of that, everything that he told me, seems completely redundant.  It's one thing cheating on someone; it's another having a full on affair.  I had such faith in you.  I believed you.  I believed that you respected, loved and cherished a woman for everything that she gives you and makes you feel.. But seriously.  You should make a decision and talk to the poor woman.

You're going to go and visit her soon, in 5 days I believe.  What's going to happen then?  Will you repeat to her that you love her; or will you tell her?  Will you break up with her, will you tell her honestly?  You're the kind of person who would feel like shit if you didn't tell her; if you stayed together.  But does that mean that it's something you'll live with, or are you actually edging towards being a man?

Goddamn.  I know who it's with and how you feel about her but honestly... "I would like her, if not for my fiancé." That's what you said to me.  And now it all feels like shit.
I never expected myself to care this much.
I guess I never realised how much I thought of you, how much I respected you for doing what I know I wouldn't be able to.  I was impressed that you thought that highly of a single person, that you could bring yourself to admit that you knew who you want to spend the rest of your life with.  I was impressed that you would see people in a different way, that you could be called gay by your female friends because you had no threat of a male predator nature to come with you.

Goddamn.  What happened?  Did you just give up, or was it something bigger, something more?

At least I know why you weren't texting me for the past while.

Peace out; Stay out.

& By the way.

In case you were wondering, which I'm sure you weren't (I doubt you even read this any more - why would you? ... that's not the point)

I miss you like fuck.
We were amazing.

Looking through the photos reminds me... It was so easy.  It's a shame.  I still know that we wouldn't have worked this year, but it's a shame.

It's a shame that you said we wouldn't last after university.  Because if you hadn't said that I don't think I would've given up.
X

I think I want you.

Well not you.  Not necessarily.

Just the banter, the flanter, the bouncing off each other (sometimes literally, hah).  The laughter, the jokes and the drunken kiss which I wouldn't let properly happen.

Unfortunately, it can't happen when it's you.

Firstly, you were with her.  And that's just... she went through a slut phase, which is fine, but it is a bit of a shame that that phase involved you.
Secondly, you're friends with him.  So if I went with you, I'd feel like I was being passed around.  I know it's not the case, but it's what I would think you 'lads' would say.. and I am so not down with that.

You just remind me of what I want; the flanter, the fun.  It's nice.

That then reminds me of what I want in the next person I'm with... I want them under my skin.  I want to be able to relax and joke around like that with them, but I want to care so much that I don't mind if I bend over backwards to make the other person... But I need the person to be willing to do the same in return.
Pretty similar to Henrik and I were, let's be honest.

I was talking to Becca about this the other day, yano.
We were talking about love and how you know if you feel it.  We decided that because we had to think about it so much, we didn't know what it is.
I now think that the person that sets your soul on fire is the one that you love.  And I'm not inclined to think that there would be many, if any, more than one of them.  I'm just so excited to find that person, to feel that fire.  I've still got a while to go, though..  I'm going to travel to Fiji this summer (if I can! I've applied for a VESA trip which would be amazing) then work and learn and expand myself.  Pleanty of chances to meet the man who'll set my soul on fire, and meet some others along the way of course.  The next one doesn't have to be the one, but I'd sure as hell like it to be soon.

I'm gonna have to be picky though, and go for what I want, and make sure that I say no when it's necessary.  Take my bartender, for example.  He asked me for a drink.  He's a lovely guy; I'm kinda in love with him anyway, but not in that way.  I adore him, but not as someone to have a relationship with.  His grammar is terrible and he still lives in Aber after many years.
I need someone who wants to live, to explore, and to take each adventure as it comes.  I need someone that I'll kiss spontaneously under the stars, someone who'd hug me better when I'm sad, someone who'd run a marathon just because they felt like it, or because they knew it would make me happy... And someone I'd do the same for.

I'm excited to find it, and that excitement makes me interested in not settling for anyone and just enjoying everything.

Be spontaneous; be beautiful; change the world. x

"So why do you ride horses?"

There are so many answers to this question that I don't know where to begin.

Firstly we could go for the historical one: I always have.  My parents got me a rocking horse for Christmas when I was three, and it all went from there.  We found a riding stables, I liked the wrong one (that said, where would I be in my life if not for that place, etc) and I stayed there for about seven years.  I just enjoyed it and still do.
I used to use these bad boys Chestnut Ridge Horse and Rider Playset (Google Affiliate Ad) and similar in all my spare time.. and Playmobile. Always playmobile.

Secondly there's the power.  The feeling of harnessing a horse's power and manipulating it in order for the horse to do exactly what it is that YOU want.  It's spectacular.  That animal could kill you, and instead it's doing exactly what you want in the way that you want.

Thirdly there's flying.  Jumping.  One of the best experiences of my life was when Ray, my last instructor, tried to get me used to riding with stirrups at jockey's length.  I jumped a four feet high fence (about 1m20) while like this.  I felt as though I had put myself in the right place then waited for the horse to catch me up and carry me over the fence safely.  It was fenomenal.

So then maybe, "why do you shovel shit? How can that be fun?"
It's not.  No one likes shovelling shit on a day-to-day basis.  It's exhausting, too: I've been getting up early since the beginning of October and I'm shattered.  When I have days off, they're spent in bed.  But the thing is, that my horse, my Nomad, is completely worth it.  Every morning he recognises me and says hello to me, and every day I'm grumpy he can cheer me up, and every time I'm already in a good mood he can make or break it.  And because it's him, the times that he breaks it are so few and far between that I barely remember when he does; or he manages to make up for it afterwards.

Therefore.  I ride horses because I have control, because I get taken away for miles (both by their speed and by how high and far they can jump), because it's a loving connection that you build between you and your horse, and because they can change your mood just by being there.
Like a boyfriend?
But more predictable, easier to read, and can be loaded off on someone else if you can't be bothered.
#winning!

N.B.:

"Anonymous said...

I absolutely love your blog and find a lot of your post's to be precisely what I'm looking for. Would you offer guest writers to write content for yourself? I wouldn't mind composing a post or elaborating on a lot of the subjects you write regarding here. Again, awesome blog!"

I would actually consider letting guests write, it must be said. Watch this space, I suppose, I'll let you know.

:)

Also, to the other anonymous: Apologies that my posts aren't getting longer; I'll work on it when I can!

Coming out of hibernation (probably)

Sorry about the lapse in posting, guys; I've had no internet of late and feel a bit funny writing personal things in the library at my university, hoping that no one's looking over my shoulder.  Anyway, I never realised how many people actually look at this blog let alone like it.  I feel honoured; thanks.

So what's new?  Well for one thing, I'm 20.  Yeah, 20.  That's pretty old.  But to be honest, it's going well.

For one thing, I'm seeing someone (sort of; it's all very relaxed and basically what I want right now - espentially nothing but cuddles available), who I think is good looking and I get on well with.  His friends are also awesome which means that when he's dicking around, I talk to a ginger guy with the weirdest side fringe known to man, who is really rather amusing.

For a better thing, I have the horse.  He's hard work, it takes a lot of dedication and love but it's worth it at the end of the day: I love the animal and am willing to spend my time and energy on making sure that he's well and happy.  It gets hard though, and I do miss having weekends without having to arrange specifically what to do with him.  It's a shame because the yard I have him at expects the horses to be done by 9am every weekday morning and 10am every weekend.  And to be honest, sometimes I just want a break.  And having a day off doesn't work that well: I get a day when Georgie (who has her horse Milo there) and I organise it, so far it's been Wednesday, but that's only one day and it feels different because it's not actually a weekend.  I can get around that, but I have been a bit late to the yard before, which means that I've been fined £5 for about 10 minutes more sleep.  Ridiculous.  So I think I'd prefer to have him elsewhere, but if I did then there would be significantly fewer facilities and people to ask for help, so it could be difficult.  Therefore, I think it's probably worthwhile to just put up with that and keep with the professional, trustworthy help and excellent facilities - !

What else?  Friends are cool.  Becca and I are sound (touch wood, if it's necessary) and it's awesome living with her; we seem to get on well and give each other as much space as we need, really. It's ideal because we haven't actually needed to discuss it as such, we've just kinda fitted together.  For example we've decided that toilet roll, bread and milk are communal and so we take it in turns buying them.  It makes life very, very easy.

Anyway, having spoken about strict deadlines and horses, I need to tend to both right now.
Speak to you all soon.
Keep shining. X

My plate's getting full.

Dai told me that he had liked me for a year a few days ago.
Kept wanting to kiss me last night.
On the same night, I was seeing a friend who I hadn't seen for a long time.
He is not quite the person I expected: Becca deleted a text from him and wrote it down but won't tell me what it says.  Just flirting, I think, she was just thinking of my mental health and didn't let me read it becuase it would've been terrible.
I told Dai that i need space to get my head straight and she deleted all of the replies before giving my phone back to me, which was definitely a good idea.  I don't know what i would've done without her several times, especialyl last night.

It was intense, to say the least.


So.
I have a soft spot for Dai as we all know, but it's only a soft spot and the only allure he really has for me is that i like the idea of being the one that the manwhore didn't cheat on.  However, there's no guarantee that he wouldn't cheat and that's not really worth my effort: the only way I would be able to not go crazy is by not caring about him and if I didn't care about him then there's no point in going there.  Therefore, no.  That's what I need to say and stand by and I'm not sure when to say it or how to do so but I'll talk to Becca about that and probably do it over text this time because I don't know if i could face him.  But we shall see, it's not like I'll stop seeing him altogether.
Anyway I basically just need to stick to what I know and not be tempted because he's charming.

And the friend in question, Gavin, is irrelevant: he's offered me a free roast dinner several times and we were talking for a lot of summer, but that will now stop.  Becca said he was indeed flirting, when I asked, so that's fine.  I'll just stop talking to him I guess; we aren't close and I never replied to whatever message he sent so it's all good.


I just need to remember to think things through and stand my ground, particularly when it comes to Dai.

Let's just ignore the breakup bit, that's a separate difficult that I don't feel like writing about.
Sorted.(Y)

This has not been the summer I expected.

As the season of doing basically nothing is drawing to a close, it's about time, I feel, to aprise both you lovely readers (and myself) of what has actually happened over the past three months.  Because it's been a bit weird.

I started in Ireland.  I spent a night with my grandparents then went down to Monaghan, Co. Monaghan to work at Castle Leslie Estate.  I'm not sure how much of my experience I can put online because there were most certainly what can be classed as Ups And Downs.  The environment was one which was very, very tense and difficult to work in and deal with.  There were two rival gangs, essentially, and as temporary working students, we (myself and the girls I was working and living with, who had stopped by from all different parts of the globe: one from Enniskillen in Ireland; one from Australia; one from Germany; and one from not far from me in Croyden) were caught in the cross fire.  There were amazing aspects to it and we had some brilliant craic on nights out and around the yard generally, but it was, at times, incredibly taxing.  To the point where, when I had two days off next to each other so I left Monaghan entirely and went to see my grandparents.  They didn't realise anything was wrong, but they were very happy they could help when they realised.  I'd been writing letters to my Grandma throughout my stay before that, and every time I got one I cried a wee bit because I was so happy knowing that someone was there, someone cared..
As I said, a very hard time.

On the good side, I got a horse out of it!  There was a big grey horse who was unnamed until I bought him (he's now Nomad) who I immediately loved the look of.  He was owned by a man called Dermot whom I think is one of the best horsemen I've seen.  I'd met Dermot before I been to work in Ireland, so trusted his skills and whatnot already. This made it all much easier to buy the horse, especially because he remembered me and "like[s me], as a person and a rider" - that made me pretty chuffed.
There were times of learning (from Mary Ann and Dermot) and generally good craic with other students, etc.

I then spent a few days with my family: one night with Norman and two with Gilbert and Carol. I accidentally got horribly drunk on the second night with G & C and apparently my uncle didn't approve .. Hypocrite much.


I left them for sunny Spain on the 24th of July which was a Tuesday. I arrived at the yard, was shown around and talked through everything, then taken into the local towb to get food. It took a week before we went to a decent shop and we didn't go to until my coworker arrived, which was a bit annoying, but whatever. Anyway, when we got back Eva said that it can be easier to muck out in the evening so I got stuck in. Through all my many years with horses, I've been taught to muck out thoroughly and that on average it should take ten minutes per stable so naturally I was surprised when she said that 8 should take me an hour. It took longer than that straight off, I did everything too thoroughly. The next day I went on my first rides, one hour long and one hour and a half. I rode Favorito first, who was ok, then Carnival, but I had to walk beside him (not made clear in the selling of the ride) most of the way up the hill. Fml. Bitches be steep. Then we stopped at the top and had dinner, in the andalucian mountains, overlooking the world. It was fantastic, despite everyone around me speaking Danish. I found it hard to cope with how much i didn't understand in the first week. The woman who runs the ard and the man who primarily helps her both are Dutch so were speaking Danish which meant that I was in a tricky situation of understanding basically nothing, unless specifically directed at me. That made me even more grateful when my coworker showed up.
During this first week I'd spend ages talking to Eva in the evenings, but if it hadn't been for Keri (coworker), I would've gone mad in the latter weeks because Eva's daughter had arrived to stay with her for half of summer so i would've only had people the other end of Skype ro talk to.
Anyway. Aside from that, I was fantastically happy when Eva asked and listened to my opinion about a horse's injury, and reacted fantastically when I told her that i wanted to ride through the mountains watching the sun rise; she simply offered me the ride.

Keri moved in a week after me. During the following two weeks the environment on the yard became increasingly tense because Keri found Eva's ways silly and found it hard to work for her due to how she presents information amd how she wanted thinga done. Where I pander to people, Keri couldn't. Still, positives first! Keri and I went on an amazing ride lit by moonlight and as we rode back, the sun rose. and we rode in la romeria, at the end of the ferria de Canillas (see below), which was an amazing experience -- both of them! We both led rides and helped on rides and schooled a PRE stallion and young mare. fantastic stuff! (Although we were given very mixed directions and told to ride with long reins, longer than either of us would usually.  If it had been me I know precisely how I would've got something out of the horses, but Eva gave instructions such as "ride with long reins" which didn't really make sense because of how riding works... This was one of the problems that Keri had with Eva really, but there we go..)

At the end of it, it seemed that Eva got bored or something. My dad had come out to visit so I'd booked a couple of days off to see him. Eva gave me a couple extra and obviously I wasn't complaining about that. So i spent time relaxing with him. On the morning that he was meant to go, Eva said she would feed the horses so that i could have a lie in (not exactly needed by that time but there we go). I could hear her and Jens, her Danish friend who helped with the PRE horses talking amongst themselves in Danish outside our rooms.  I assume that was about me and Keri.  I think that's quite unfair seeing as one of the things Eva told us was that she felt unwelcome in her own home, she said that we'd been bitching about her.  Surely it doesn't matter what language you're doing it in: if you're sitting outside someone's room it's not overly polite to speak about people.
Anyway.  Keri left the rooms to go to the loo and saw a note on the side which said "please clear up before you leave today".  Keri was supposed to leave 2 days later and I was meant to be there for another week.
It was weird.  Eva then came in to talk to us.  She said she wasn't comfortable with me running the yard for a few days so I could either stay or not.  If I were to stay, I would not be riding.  She then proceeded to later say that I would be able to stay until Sunday (I was due to do so until Wednesday).
She tried to blame my riding for it, and tried to say that I had said my ability is other to what it is.  Neither of these are the reason.  She is a right pain in the arse.

I don't know what more to say about it.  Basically I got straight home with my Dad, and that was about it.

The next week I spent at home which was really nice; then saw Henrik in Norway.  It was one of the best weeks, like, ever, but we spoke at the beginning and decided that it was for the best to not continue our relationship for the second year of uni.  I'm really upset about it but am coming to terms with it, think it's for the best, and really like that no one actually knows we've split (we hid it on Facebook), because it's letting me adjust in my own mind before kinda seeing it every day, if that makes sense.  At least I made a friend who I can turn to about anything, and I like to think that he did so too.

I've since then spent two weeks at home meeting people and whatnot.  Amy and Patrick are getting together, which is slightly odd and I don't particularly approve; Jordan's moved away to France until Christmas; and I'm going out to one of Craig's Northern Soul gigs with a whole lot of people tonight and am really excited, particularly because the venue has a ball pit.
I've also planned to see someone I've not seen for a long time today and someone from Castle Leslie tomorrow, which will be good.  I'll have to try to make the Castle Leslie person a bit later though, I think, because I've been telling my mum she should make more time for me, and Friday in the day is the only time that she's actually free.  I think it'd class as hypocritical to do something else through all of the day, I'll just have to make sure to see her before I go to meet Katherine.

So there we go.
Overall, "learning curve" covers it, and it's been full of life experiences... and now it's time to slow down, step back, and make sure for the Viking and my breakup to have been in vain.. and that means lots of work, I think.

A deep breath to begin.

It'll take a huge amount of getting used to and moving on from and I may swallow these words, but I am looking forwards to being friends with him. It could be a great friendship, truly. Not kissing him or squeezing his hand when he makes me smile, and not trying to make him smile by doing things I know he thinks are cute... That will be hard at first. It will take some getting used to, I am sure.

But it'll be worth it and I feel relatively sure of that.

The thing is that I never usually suffer for the greater good, or under my own volition. Usually it's due to other people, not a choice rather something to be avoided. So when I think of that it seems to make sense that I don't want to let him go (of course how good our relationship has been does help, too, but is hardly the point right now). I do love him, I think, but I'm sure that'll turn platonic over time. There's no reason why that would go away immediately. I hope that the person I knew as my friend before we were together is who he really is as a friend, not someone who wanted solely to get somewhere with someone. I don't know that he is like that to all his friends - i'm not sure that I'll be able to text him an have him turn up an hour later, after his lectures, when I get a text from my ex boyfriend that I don't know how to deal with. But I'm sure I'll still e able to talk to him about it all. Tell him who is new in my life, who i'm interested in, hear his judgements. Interesting stuff.

I just need to learn to let go; but be aware that the door is still open and we're still a solid, goo pair, it just so happens that I'll probably be making enies of his girlfriends (because seriously, how many girlfriends of my friends like me?) - instead of being the girl in question.
As long as she's good enough for him, I guess it'll be ok.

I wonder what will happen. If I'll be the hate friend; if we get together again some day; if he's the hate friend of my boyfriends. Or if I'll for once get a boyfriend who is secure enough to not get that jealous, which would be nice!

Oh who knows. The only way to find out is to live it.
One, two, three, deep breath, jump.

Oh You.

I remember meeting you, thinking you were awesome.. Shuffling by my fridge and drinking martini. Then getting to know you, because you decided that we should.
I remember how much you've always made me laugh. How well we get on, how great it was to go on little walks with you through the night.
I remember kissing on the ruin. Where you took me for my birthday, lit a candle and fed me cupcakes. So romantic. I remember you caring for me when I was over tired and you bought me strawberries and a cut up orange in bed.
I remember this week. How we bounce off each other and interact and make each other laugh and smile. I've not had this before really, and it's starting to seem more and more like we're not even falling at the first hurdle, instead just giving up when we see it approaching. Because maybe it would work. Then again, maybe I'm panicking. I guess I'll let you know when I see you again, I guess, because I think if my heart jumps like it did when I saw you in Oslo, I'll have to talk to you.

Then again maybe not? I don't know. What's confusing me is that I imagine in my future relationship, the 'forever' one I guess is what I mean, being like us. Connecting and interacting like we do. So I guess that right now it just feels crazy to give up on what feels like what I want.

I've no idea how you'll react to this though. I don't know if it'll freak you out (though be aware, it shouldn't), or if you'll think twice or think I'm crazy or stop thinking I'm rational... But it's probably worth saying, just in case it turns out that you think the same, or something.

Let me know,
I'm not saying decide now, justly be we shouldn't close the door, I guess.

As I said, I am a little confused.
X

Photo Forty Eight

Welcome to how shite I look with next to no sleep, at 3.30am

No wonder I don't think I'll make much of a Mother.

I've lost the ability to sleep well, it seems.  And I just don't know why.  There have been a lot of things going on in my head, I know that for sure, but I can't honestly say that they're all worthwhile, or all sleep depriving.  I'm sure that one of them should be, in fact, but it isn't.  I fall asleep for about half an hour at a time then wake up tossing and turning and frantic in my mind but I can never remember what I've been thinking about or dreaming of.  I then proceed to stay awake for somewhere between 30 minutes and an hour, trying to think of how to calm down and sleep again.  It seems next to impossible, sometimes.
So we've got to 3.45 and I'm wide awake in my mind, and exhausted in my eyes.
My granda's taking me to church tomorrow; I better not fall asleep.

Let's just go through a few things, shall we?
Well the biggest thing in the life of Cat at the moment is that I've bought a horse.  He's big and beautiful and called Nomad.  He's going to cost me a fortune though, which is what I've been looking into for the past two days and it's going to be hard next year making ends meet.  I won't be able to do it without a job.  I hope that it works out.  That's bollocks actually: it will work out and if I really can't afford it then I'll sell him trained up as a five year old, for a huge profit.  There is a very, very low chance of that happening though, because I love that horse already and it'll really take something to stop.

Next is one that I find a bit hard.  Very hard.  It's you.  I hate this.  We hardly talk, I hardly know anything about your summer, you hardly know about mine.  You would've been great to have around the corner a couple of times over the past two weeks, with the bitchiness that I've been dealing with.  But I hate this.  I hate not being with you and having the advantages of being with you while also not having the actual single life.  At least you were right about long distance relationships, they are ass.
When I talk about you people sometimes joke that we'll get married and I reply "nah", or whatever; and both they and I are starting to find that weirder and weirder.  I still hate not having a future and the knowledge of that, but you should know I've always felt that.  I just seem to be noticing it at the moment.
I know this isn't the time or the place to be saying this but it's the only place I'm writing right now and the only time I will.  So sorry for saying it like this, but it's stuff you should be aware is passing through my mind.

I can hear my granda coughing in his bed... Oh bless him.  I hope he's well.  I do love him ever so much.

Well I guess I've said my peace...  Have a good day, everyone. (:

The Past Seven Weeks.

Emotional; stressful; tiring.  That would pretty much cover the first seven weeks of my oh so exciting summer.

I arrived and was really happy here for a week, until I noticed the politics of the place.  I tried to ride Dermot's horse, a beautiful grey gelding that I've named Nomad and have decided to buy, but I wasn't allowed because of said politics.  It's been damn hard work getting through this time.

I'm impressed that I managed to stay here for most of the time.  One weekend I went to my grandparents' house and slept in until 8.30 (ooh) and managed to actually relax.  I came back feeling refreshed and better until I saw a housemate and she made me feel bad again by talking about how much fun she's having and how many opportunities she gets.  I'm jealous of her, but equally glad that I'm not such a bitch as her.. I guess that means I'll not make it, or something, but I honestly don't care.  I want to train, not ruin people.

I've changed since I've been here, though; I've learned how to be on my own and what it means to be independent, though I've been very dependent on my Dad sometimes.. but I think that's fine ("The only man a girl can depend on is her daddy" - to quote Grease).  I've done a lot of thinking and I think I've made some life decisions which I'm not going to post on here.  I've rebelled.  I've decided to buy a horse... and therefore, I've decided to change my life.  It'd be exciting if I wasn't worried about my report that I'll get at the end of my time here: I rode a horse without permission and my boss is raging about it.  My dad doesn't think I have much to worry about, which is just as well... I just hope to God that he's right and it'll be okay.  Six weeks without putting a foot wrong can't be completely disregarded based on one incident; it'll go down on my report alongside me being a damn hard worker - I hope to God, at least.  You can tell I'm serious because I said "I hope to God" twice in two sentences.

Anyway... This has been a learning curve, I suppose.  The thing I've learnt mostly is what Dermot put into words for me: "Keep yourself to yourself, and that should apply to any job, because you don't know who's listening."  Word gets around places like that.
Another point it's made me learn is that I don't want to work somewhere like that.  I'll be much happier if I teach people to ride and teach horses to be ridden and it all takes place on a lower key, without so much messiness, and with more respect for each other; like what Dermot, Mary Ann and Tina have together.

So there we go.  Only one more working day and I am not sad to be leaving.

I didn't expect to make the connections that I have, with some of the people here, like Chloe, Dermot, Mary Ann and Tina (surprised?) .. and I hope those relationships will last, at least on a professional level with Dermot so that if I'm back in Ireland I can visit him and ask him for horses to train, for tips, or just for rides.  He said that he likes me both as a person and a rider so I'll be willing to bet that he'd be fine with it.  I just hope he doesn't change his number, that way it'll be much easier!

One more working day; then some coffee in Jeremy's; and fuck it, I'm not going to the yard to say bye on Saturday morning... the important ones I'll say bye to on Friday.  The only reason I'll go there on Saturday will be to say bye to Dermot, because I don't know if he's working on Friday.  I think I'll ride the horse on Friday too, mostly just because I've basically bought him so they've no right to say otherwise.  I hope.

Fingers crossed about everything.
Big love.

Stand Up.

As I've mentioned, at the moment, I'm on a work experience placement at Castle Leslie, in Glaslough, Ireland.  Much as I love this placement, I'm finding it very difficult to get anything.  I'm the only student who is not being paid; I don't get anything that I ask for; and they expect me to pay €10 every time I want to jump over about 30cm high.

So, once again, it is action time.

Not entirely my point, but I have it stuck in my head after writing this post, which seemed like a sign from God.

Last night I got to ride my boss's horse, so today, when I go into work, I'm going to try to find said boss and tell her that I'm going to ride him tomorrow, and Sinead, who is another student, will help me.  Because I think that I can learn loads from that horse and that girl, who has been trained by professional showjumpers for a very long time and knows her stuff.  I'm a good rider but I'm not as good as her and I don't get things laid out for me like she does.  I say that, she doesn't get things laid out.  She came here knowing precisely what she wants from this experience and knowing exactly how to get it, so now people don't bother talking against her and they just go with it, understanding that she knows what she's capable of.  So obviously, I need to do that.

While I'm talking to my boss, I'm going to tell her that what I'm interested in and want to have a career in is schooling and training young horses.  I've backed a horse before and have retrained young horses who are entirely green and have retrained racehorses until they're round and supple, and I think that I could train a young horse and want to try my hand at it.  I have my own insurance and would hold no affiliation to castle leslie when I do it because it's mine and Dermot's (who owns the horse) decision.  I think that I can do this.  I think that I WILL do this... Because I don't want to walk away complaining that someone's stopped me from doing what I want to.

Stand up and fight.

Today I will also go to my slightly less senior boss and tell her that I want to do proper jumping and I don't want to pay for it because they're not paying me and I can barely afford food let alone €10 per class.  I won't ask for the money because actually I have parents who spoil me rotten and help me out with money, and I just got my deposit from my university room back (£95 out of £100 - because Rachel and I went to the university and claimed no responsibility for the state of our flat and fought to get our money back.  I genuinely feel inspired by the fact that it worked.) - so I can afford to survive, I just can't afford to chuck money at what I should, by right and what I was promised before I came here, have.  This is happening.

Stand up. We shall not be moved.

Photo Forty Seven

Time flies when you're exploring

Hi guys!  Sorry about the silence; but I've been really freakin' busy, and haven't had a lot of internet access so haven't been able to bog much.

So I've been working at Castle Leslie in Ireland recently, which is so far an amazing experience which is inspiring me to work everywhere that I ever want to.  I've fallen in love with a horse called No Name (so not really called anything, but still.  I call him Nomad, but I don't think it'd stick) and would love to have him, but I'm not sure that I'm a good enough rider; he's not cantered with someone riding him yet, so is very very young and has only been sat on ten times.  Less than, really, Dermot (who trains him) said.

It's a lot of work here, but it also is inspiring me to remember that horses /are/ what I love and what I want in my life.  I'll have to be sensible and driven and work hard and, I can imagine riding Nomad from place to place in America or the continent of Europe - or both - until I find someone, something, that makes me want to stay.  Marry an attractive farrier which would save on bills and be a few friends' fantasies, ahah.

I guess that this experience, working and living with girls who are really lovely and working on a yard where I've always wanted to be, is just reminding me of my previous blog post.  I'm really happy that I'm able to remember what I want and I'm going to do it.  The only problem is that I can no longer be bothered with university; I'd rather get going.  I'll complete it, of course, but the concept of the future is so exciting!

We'll see.  I look forwards to riding from place to place...... I'll do it at least once, promise.  :) <3

Let's get it started....

Over my time on this planet I've changed a huge amount.  I have gone from the stroppy introverted teenager to someone confident and I like to think full of beans; to someone who was a shell of whatever they were; to someone who now sits in the small, beautiful drawing room of Castle Leslie and wonders how on earth she ended up here, like this.

"Like this" is, right now, slightly lost and lonely because this is the most isolated I've been before.  I've been in a hundred different places (well, at least 3) but I've always been able to use my phone, or computer, at all times.  So I've always had the world around me available... Until now.  It's a short walk to the wireless network, and being in a foreign country I don't use my home phone, obviously.  I think this could be good for me.  I miss the Viking a touch more than I had done already, but when I get working that may subside.
The thing with not having wifi in the house is that it means I can't skype or anything, because I wouldn't be anywhere private enough to warrant a conversation which would disrupt other people.  This is half a good thing, if I'm honest, as Skype with Certain Parties would not be a great experience.

Still.
I know and recognise that recently, I've come a long way towards what I've wanted to be, by wearing "out there" clothes that I like; by being happy; by being confident; by throwing myself in at the deep end and swimming.  I just manage to find it weird that I can be like this and yet so different from what I imagined.

Ditching Teenage Fantasy Means Ditching All Your Dreams.

When I was younger I never imagined anything outside of my life apart from horses.  I imagined being the youngest person to compete in Hickstead; being successful; being rich; winning.  Since being older, for a long time I only wanted to fit in.  I wanted to stand out from the crowd as a character, as a person that you might want to know, as someone beautiful... But I forgot all about the horses, the dream.  I just wanted teenage normalcy.

And if I give that up, I'd feel funny.  I'd feel jealous of the people who are going out all the time, having fun, despite the fact that I'd be doing what I've always wanted to.  No, it doesn't make sense to me either.

I think it's about time for me to grow up, and stop wanting to just have nights out.  I think it is a much better idea for me to focus on what I actually want.  Maybe that means that at uni, I'll get a horse (be it bought or loaned) so that I can work with it every morning and go to bed early instead.  That'll mean a dramatic lifestyle change and it would probably put strain on my relationship with Henrik.  It's things like that which could hold me back: once I have strain on that relationship, if it fell through then I would want to go out more and would be less satisfied spending time in, especially because so much of that time would be on my own, if Becca was going out.

I'm just not that great at being alone all the time.

I guess we'll have to see.  But in short, I don't want to forget about my dreams.  And it seems like this summer is one of the best places I could be starting.

Photo Forty Six

Look of the day: Jordan's jumper & the shorts I'm in love with, alongside odd facial expression and large bags under eyes.

The night before last was a good night.  We went out, had a pint at Pav Tav, went to Poundance, then went to Jordan's at 2.30 am with Amy for no real reason.

Jordan is probably one of the most sound people I know.  We were close (...) when I met Chris, but he wasn't in the right place mentally and I have no doubt that we would've ruined the friendship if we'd gone there.  But that's another story.  Chris messaged me yesterday.  That was weird.  I had a brief moment of "maybe I could talk to him again" before reading the penultimate message he sent me last semester and promptly changed my mind.  What he said still hurts me.... So not worth it.. And that's that, really.  I'm surprised the thought even crossed my mind; it was probably just because my friends are all friends with him now.

Anyway, I spent yesterday chilling around, wearing the above, oh so sexy outfit, and packing.  It was actually pretty good - Patrick and Amy came round for a while.  I've spent too much time with Amy.  I'm not interested enough in what other people do and how it affects Amy to really be good conversation with her, if I'm honest.  But yano, I get my break again now, so all I have to do is not overdo it next time.  I don't think I'll be staying that long in September, I'm not interested enough.

I got a brilliant drunk call from Dai last night claiming how much he misses me, which would've been even more amusing if I'd been able to stay awake properly, ahah.

Today, we were up at 5.30 and I made tea.  We left at 5.55 for the train, in a taxi, and got to the station in good time for the train.  At the airport, I checked my bag then got worried because I didn't think I'd be able to manage it on my own.  I need to make sure that my bag isn't too heavy on the way back, because it was on the way there: we had to take stuff out and put it into Mum's hand baggage.  Damn inaccurate bathroom scales :/

The take off was one of the most unpleasant I've ever sat through.  I don't usually get nervous, but the plane was rocking on the ground because of the strong winds, so in the air it was horrendous.  Luckily, once we were above the clouds the wind was fine and I fell asleep relatively promptly, after a few pages of The Woman in White.  (I maintain: damn good book.)

We met Nana and Norman at the airport departures and ran some errands and whatnot before coming back to their house.

And now, it's time for sausages.

How exciting!

Photo Forty Five

A guy I met just the other night pointed out that I get a dimple only on one side of my face.. Who knew.

What's good about the time I have in Brighton at the moment is that it's making me realise a lot.  I don't miss my Viking as much as I expected to, which makes me realise that I'm more independent than I thought; I have seen about 8 people down here outside of my family, which makes me realise that I was right when I thought that no one down here was really worth it; I've been hit on more than expected, which makes me realise that actually, maybe the Viking tells the truth when he calls me pretty.

It's really nice to be able to feel like this; that I'm strong and who I've wanted to be: who I've thought I should be.  It makes it easier to make conversation with strangers (like the people in the queue for a bus home after Fat Boy Slim last night); makes me enjoy being dancing around with complete strangers despite being entirely on my own.  (Dave and I went down to dance then he left and I danced with some random lads, one of them let me on his shoulders which was awesome ^,^)

It makes me all the more excited for meeting new people in new places over the next few months, too.  I can't wait. :)

xo

Photo Forty Four

Good morning world.

So far today, I've been up for an hour and a half and have done nothing but eat yoghurt and drink a mug of tea. Oh how marvelous this is.

I'm back in Brighton now, as of yesterday afternoon.  I left Aber on the 7.30 train and had such a painless journey that it was amazing.  It involved a lot of sleeping and a little bit of reading The Woman in White (so far pretty ace, and I've only read about 5 (short) chapters)


...Now, I've done much more than that.

I went out to meet Amy at about 12, because she was late, then wandered around Brighton for a while.  We then met Patrick, Pete and Radar for a bit which was great; I've missed them.  Not so much Pete because I don't know him, but that's not the point.  Radar is a rather funny young man, and makes a pretty marvelous pillow.
I left as soon as my Dad rang to go and have dinner with him.  He took me to the Tin Drum (I'm so spoilt) and let me have basically everything I wanted.  It was great to see him again.  I love having such a mutual understanding of so much with him; I haven't half missed him.
See, now I'm growing up and he can see what I'm going to become; and he can probably see himself in me, based on the conversations that we have and how we interact.  It's really refreshing and lovely.  Especially how much he specifically doesn't say (e.g. "I think you'll become someone who gives another person's opinion in advance" - he didn't say this in that phrasing, but he implied the same.  It means that basically, I'll be in control and the people around me will be probably willing to be controlled by me.  I hope it's not like that, not to the extent he thinks, because that'd be too much.  I'd need someone to stand up to me every now and then); and how much I can tell him.  I can tell him about Henrik and how our opinions on our relationship differ, I can tell him some stuff about Chris.  Some stuff I don't want him to know, though.  He probably does, but there's no way that I'm saying it.  I'm glad to have developed this connection with him.. Though he's still annoying when he's drunk.  Always will be.  Probably because I just don't particularly like it when he is, because I know why he's drunk.



I'm just knackered, now.  I've got to the point in my night when what my Dad has said all night is catching up with me and hitting me round the head.  It can be quite a lot to take in.  Would quite like a wee spoon now (this is where I want apparation, like in Harry Potter, to be real.  I miss the Viking.  Even though last time I said it he didn't even reply.  It's still true so there's no point denying it, even though it's harder to miss someone than it is to ignore them.)

It think it's time for The Woman In White.
Night all

.xo

Since Then, I've..

This time tomorrow, I will have finished my final exam and will have started on the half litre of vodka which is sitting above my head (on a shelf, not levitating, that would be weird).  That means that I will have finished my first year of university.. and after that, I will be jetting off to Ireland, from there Spain, and from there Norway, to see my Viking.  So, as influenced by Gracie's post, I think it's about time that I did some looking back.

Up to and including the 23rd of September, 2011:
I was being given new levels of crap from my ex boyfriend, who appeared to have come away from a conversation in which we broke up with no inclination of us having done so.
I was a wreck because of said boyfriend.
I was outgrowing home and my friends there and my opportunities there.  I was hungry for life, adventure and new, exciting things.
I was one of those people who always said "I'd love to do that", but never did.
I didn't know every word to Party Rock Anthem, or the dance to Avacii - Levels.

On the 23rd of September:
I was someone I've never been before.
I moved into my new room (number 69, flat 6, block A, Cwrt Mawr) and was instantly greeted warmly by a guy I thought was good looking and a room of other people who were already drinking.
I left to finish unpacking and have a last supper with my dad, and when I came back there were more people, including one certain ginger guy who was rather good looking and was surrounded by people.  He seemed energetic, exciting, cool.  I thought he was with the girl that he'd taken there, because she was so quiet, only really talking to him.
I met someone off my course and took them up to my flat, which was somewhat defeatist. She didn't do anything.
I spoke to my +1 flatmate,  Mike, a lot.  He lives across the hall from us and because our flat is so insane when it comes to going out, but his is so quiet, he joined us.  He kinda has the best deal, because he didn't have to live here when it got to its worst.
The ginger guy turned out to be Norwegian (cool accent yo), called Henrik, and gave me Martini and shuffled with me by the fridge.  Genuinely one of my favourite moments but I'm probably somewhat biased.
We left the flat and I was walking behind the ginger thinking that he had a nice back.
The friend from my course couldn't afford going to the Union so we went down the steps where we met two people, Mike and Josh.
We walked down into town bantering and laughing, essentially ignoring the girl off my course and her boyfriend.
We had some drinks; went to Harry's; and Josh and I admired Mike's skill as he went around a group of 7 girls, coming out with 5 phone numbers.  The girl off my course's boyfriend wasn't allowed into Harry's because his ID was so out of date.
We went back to their flat and somehow by this point I was tipsy but honestly can't remember how.
Josh, Mike and I left them at their flat and went back to Harry's, where we did sambuca challenge, a shot of 'buca, shot of vodka and a shot of tequila, each twice.
Memory from this point on grew patchy and somehow we ended up in Josh's flat, drank the bottle of wine he had been saving for the night after, and I slept with Josh without remembering a thing.
Not something I ever thought I would do.

For the last week of September
I got with the guy in the flat, who I thought was good looking, and I regret it.  However, we never had sex and this is genuinely one of the things I am most pleased did not happen - and I mean ever.
In this week, I made friends with all of my flat
Made drunk friends
Got people to buy me drinks, and had to get Dai to help get me away from some of them
Fell through a roof foot-first, which Bryce repeated and Dai managed to fall through butt-first when he sat down on it
Predrank on rapist pathways
Developed the banter relationships most people have in uni that I had never had before
Had one of the best weeks ever, really.
All of this time I was still talking to that ginger guy; I grew to trust him pretty fast.  He seemed like someone worth knowing.

October:
Much more of a blur.
The course started and I made friends with Becca by running around the yard shouting "every day I'm shuffling" and breaking into dance.  We irritated everyone else but it was worth it.
I made friends with someone I see around from time-to-time by asking them how to spell "shuffling" on a coach to the Llanbadarn campus.
I think it was in the first week of this that Henrik did an air kick in academy and dislocated his knee.  This night gave me hints that he liked me but I was trying hard to be single (I failed; his fault) so kept trying to put him off.
I called him my pet Viking.
He was the one person who could convince me to go out when I had yards in the morning, and we went to a gay night at the union, got horrifically drunk and Henrik started spewing in a bin.  So I stayed with him, rubbing his back, holding a glass of water that I got from Yokos, in case he wanted it.  I then took him home, and he insisted that I stayed the night, forcing me to do my first walk of shame from his house the next day.
I was still being bugged by my ex; one time I turned my phone off over night and woke up to ten texts from him.  Good thing my phone doesn't register missed calls.
The ex once rang me from a private number and I genuinely can't remember the conversation because I listened to so little of it.  I think I was talking to that cool ginger on Facebook at the time.
Henrik and I went for a walk through a forested path, across a creepy field and across the golf course where there were people on a quad bike with a torch, who we decided were aliens.  I slept at his again that night, and when I got back Nick gave me a "oh bless you, really?" look ahah.
The ex then texted me with a problem that I couldn't respond to easily.  I turned to Henrik for help with it because I had no idea what to do.
I learned more about Henrik than I think he realised, and more than people have been willing to tell me before.
The flat dance began.
the 15th... I'd been fighting that I liked him for a while, but when we were both drunk we were kinda all over each other.  And let's be honest, I was probably the worst one.
We went for a walk and cuddled on a ruin until we ended up kissing and the thought crossed my mind "was this a mistake?" until I woke up in his arms the next morning and thought "no".
Best feeling ever.

Ever Since:
We thought it was the UV night at the union and thought UV would be awesome without the union.  So we covered ourselves in UV paint and went town, after doing the Superman in the kitchen while pre-drinking.  That is why we love it when Rach's gay Dave visits.
I've grown up; I've learned what I mean to myself; I've learned what I mean to my Viking; I've learned what more I should mean to myself.
I've learned what I can mean to other people.
I've got the worst sunburn I've ever had.
I've spent time with people I love to pieces; I've got bored of those people; I've needed a break.
I've learned what I need from my university experience and what I want from my life.  Not a career path quite yet, though running a riding business appeals, but I know what types of friends I want and what qualifications I'm going to get.

I've gained the ambition that I had guilt tripped out of me.
I feel so good for the future.
I can't wait.

Quick Vent.

I have an exam on Saturday, I've not started packing my life into boxes, I've not got anywhere to live next year.
I am stressed to fuck.

However.
I've rung the accommodation office and they're sending something through that should be useful; I am revising; I have bags open and clothes in their vicinity in an effort to sort them out.


And breathe....

There is no way that my Viking will be having this shirt sit in a bag when I could be stealing it. :)

Photo Forty Three

I stole this shirt from H last night, was meant to leave it with his stuff here.... it may not happen.

So the boy left for home this morning, after thanking me for an amazing year.  Slightly depressing, not gonna lie, but only because I thought it sounded like he wasn't sure if next year will be - with regard to us, at least.  However... it will be.  Even if we do break up, we'll still be friends.

I can't wait to see him again.  I already imagine my semi-movie moment.. Though I won't be able to run up to him, I have an idea of what I'll do.... Ahah.  As long as I can see him; I'm terrible at seeing people when I look for them!

I'm only in Aberystwyth for 4 more days, and in 2 days I'll be in the same weird place as the Viking, having completed his first year of uni, now on his way to try and work and have a good summer.

I think that the days in Aber and Brighton will be worst with regard to missing the boy, but no matter, because summer and seeing him, as I said, will be amazing.

.....And this is how Cat does positive thinking.  No point in being sad with now if better is to come.  All you need is to be able to see how it will be.

Oh, and Mizuki, I never knew that guys like Mr Mystery existed until recently, but they do!  Well, I've never found a Mr Mystery with any sense about him, but there are at least those who do have a clue!  I'm in the process of finding a new crowd too (I hope..) ... Keep me posted on how it goes? xo

Quote Scroobius Pip

"I saw a guy on the way to the train earlier looking insanely happy about the big box of presents he had.
Like REALLY happy.
Grinning ear to ear.
I thought to myself "That guy is having a GOOD birthday...".
When I sat by him on the train I noticed they were all addressed to "Sarah".
I love that guy.
And so should Sarah."

And to quote someone who commented on that post:
"Ignore the cynics, Pip.  The world needs hopeless romantics."

I hope that if ever I am Sarah, I will appreciate that man and the presents and how pleased he is with how happy he thinks that he will make her.

Goddamn, that is sweet.

It still reminds me of my favourite poem:
Stop all the clocks, cut off the phone; prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone.  Silence the pianos and with muffled drum, bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.


I guess that Sarah and Mr Mystery are a little reminder that people can feel like W.H Auden seemed to when he wrote 'Funeral Blues'.  I love that.  I love that there is love like that.



And now, just because I'm in the mood, here's the poem I never told, recited or gave, even though when I wrote it out, my hand shook.

Edgar Allen Poe; 1835

To F-S S.O-D

Thou wouldst be loved? - then let thy heart

From its present pathway part not!

Being everything thou art,

Be nothing which thou art not.

So with the world thy gentle ways,

Thy grace, thy more than beauty,

Shall be of endless praise,

And love - a simple duty.

.xo

YOLO

Don't particularly like the phrase; don't particularly like the song; love the sentiment.

YOLO: You Only Live Once.

So: Do shit, because you might not be able to tomorrow; do stuff to say you've done it.  Live to please yourself, live to be alive.

This and the problem with Tumblr is what got me onto this post.

The problem with Tumblr is questions like these:

"What's the meaning of life?"

To change the world, to be happy, to change the world even if it's just by smiling at everyone who walks past you on the street.

It amazes me that people can disagree with this.

"What would happen if I died?"

Nothing.

"Who would care if I died?"

The people who love you. And they are there.

+ some general melodrama.

I enjoy tumblr and yes sometimes I do feel like no one cares, etc etc.  But at the end of the day, I care if I make something of myself or not, and I care if I die and give up tomorrow.  More than that, I know that it would affect the people I love.  My mum, my dad, my brother, and I like to think my Viking.  Admittedly I'm pretty sure that the Viking would be less than the others because although we have a connection, we've only been together for 7 months.  My parents and brother, however, I know love me from the bottom of their hearts and we have always been close and loved each other.  It's because of that why I would never, ever ask to die before my parents.  I would never want to put them through that.

But that's not the point.  Where did that come from?  I got a bit carried away there, ahah.

The point is YOLO.

Live like you'll die tomorrow, farm like you'll live forever.

And in case you were wondering, the important part of that sentence was the first.

"Actually; I'm alright."

It's taking me more than it should to post this photo.  That's because I'm a) wearing a bra and trackies, and I haven't had a photo taken of me in a bra for a very long time, let alone take one myself; and b) because there's that little line by my belly button which, come to think of it, only actually proves I'm human.  Even the skinniest people get folds.

The thing with photos, body image, and (almost) therefore how happy a girl is with herself is that the people in magazines may as well be barbie dolls - literally.  They are adjusted and edited until they basically aren't themselves any more; their face shape changes and figure changes and imperfections are obliterated.  It's difficult to live up to if you don't realise or register it.  But it's one of the most important stepping stones, so to speak, that I've ever encountered and mastered.  By no means am I always happy with my body.  In no way is there nothing that I would change, but nowadays, I can just look at myself and think "yeah, I'm alright".  The hardest thing is keeping that opinion.  Don't bother listening to what other people say; "I'm so fat" when they're smaller than you?  You know that they're wrong, and you know that they're just worried. Pressured.

I still, when I'm getting ready for a night out as I just have been, look at myself not entirely satisfied with what I see.  I see the slight bump I have at my belly (which, as far as I can tell, every woman has) and wish it wasn't there; I look at my makeup and don't think it suits me.  But I'm getting there, and I think that more people should try to - believe that they can.  If my life changes dramatically and I end up running a magazine, I want it to have beautiful women in it.  That is, beautiful women who are not photoshopped, who are happy to be who they are.

That said, the last time I attempted anything like that was in an IT project in year 11 and the IT teacher proceeded to take the piss out of the calves of the girl I had photographed.  It annoyed me.  But also made me think; how many people would believe that one magazine that says "it's ok, you can be human sized"?  Because as far as I can tell, it's all gone too far to be easily stopped.

One of the things that I say to my friends most is that I don't care how anyone dresses, I just think that they should dress to suit themselves and their body.  And so many people say it, yet so few people do it.  It seems almost as if people have begun to become blind to what is staring straight at them, whether it's with regard to facts of life and which friends are trustworthy, or whether it's how beautiful they are.  Everyone has something that they can show off.  People should be taken into a room and shouldn't emerge until they feel good - like in We Will Rock You, the musical, Scaramoush (no idea how it's spelt) is sent off stage to change her clothes and is not allowed back "until you feel gooood about yo-self".

It's something that should be encouraged and should be looked into more; people should dress so that they're happy and they're flattering themselves.  And if they don't like their weight or whatever: get off their butts and do something.

Now, this post was meant to be slightly different, I think, but I can't fully remember because I started it last night and was paying more attention then.
Just be beautiful. You are. xo

Photo Forty Two

Exam number one today; ooh.

I have prepared as much as I think I physically could, and in the past paper I just did there were 3 questions I couldn't answer without being certain I got them right, so that seems pretty positive to me.

I think this morning it'll be time for a run, then wake up Lottie, then cheerios and tea while answering past paper questions and writing down anything I don't know already.  The good thing about exams at 2 is that you can make the day before quite relaxing and simple.

Everything that happened last night meant to me that I will, next year, either do even more growing up while being with my boy, or do slightly slower growing up not being with him.  A shame if it happens but at the end of the day, life's easiest if we take things in our strides and accept what happens.  Or, if we hate it that much, then we make it work.  Henrik was always someone I wanted to be with for a very long time, so if it is only a year it would be a shame, but not a disastrous one.  Just an unfortunate one.  No matter how long it takes me to realise it.  I'll still always remember before we were together, staying up until 4am drinking tea and talking; me not knowing what to do so texting him, and he came over to talk to me straight after his lectures.
And then while we have been together, going to Shrewsbury and having a great day out; going to Ireland and him meeting my grandparents...(another shame if we were to break up; he has left some bloody big shoes to fill with myself /and/ my family - everyone loves him!) ... not to mention what's to come; me meeting his parents and seeing Norway, walking up to the monument (something we've always said we would do) on Friday... and then just nights together, cuddling and talking until the small hours.  And the mornings together.  In his arms is my favourite place to wake up.

Oh do I feel content right now.
Time for me to go for a run.
Biglove,xo.

Honestly Honesty.

What I'm not sure I can say to you. Words slightly edited, i admit.

B:
 and why aren't you asleep?

C:
I appear to be failing at such a task. The vster came over all serious.. He's asleep and i can't now

B:
everyone seems to be failing at it, is the vster okay?

C:
Yeah, but doesn't know if we'll last next year; we won't necessarily have time for each other /:

B:
:( I really hope you do last it, and to be fair you always made time this year, and it just as busy next year as it was this year, so i would put money on it that you stay together. He's probably just stressing about exams and everything, so thats why he mentioned it.

How are you feeling about it?

C:
Well next year he'll have more work that he'll take more seriously.. And he wants to continue with his socials and sports, also be fencing social sec, also will apply for being chairman of the IPS winter ball.. He sees everything as something towards his future and because he doesn't see me as a long term part of that, no matter how much i would want to be, so i don't know why i'm surprised. I don't think he realises how much i care for him though. I don't know if he can. I hardly know what i mean to him sometimes... But that's not really the point.  I don't want to stand in the way of his life.  And he won't let me.

.....

..That's something i can't explain to him- he imagines that we can be friends after our relationship but i wouldn't really be able to watch him with someone else. I just can't quite imagine it. Or rather i can, and it's crap :P

........

The thing is i don't know what i'd do, how i would react.. I don't feel ready to lose him, especially going by how much i cried when he said it, hah.


((and now telling you this, i feel bad. I feel bad that you'll take this as pressure or something. Not that you necessarily would, but.....don't. It's not the point))


B:
you shouldn't have to imagine it. Right now he is yours, and even he doesn't believe in 'love' or want to say it ... he seems happy with you, and you are very happy with him. Also he really wouldn't like the angry Rebecca that would banging on his door demanding a full explaination as to why you are in tears. And i think if you cried that much anyone even a heartless bitch would realise how you deeply feel and how much you care for them.



((Sorry about that.))


C:
We are both happy.. And yeah, he is mine :) .. Everything you've said seems very logical (you feeling alright? ;)) .. I guess i just always get scared by this stuff. I don't like letting go of people, after all. It's why i forgive so much.


((I have no idea if this post is a good idea or if, by the time you check my blog, I will have taken it down, because I decide against letting you know - or maybe against letting you read it rather than hear it. But thinking about it, things will have to fuck up pretty royally for you to get away. I want you around, and I'm not sure i could do it if we weren't together. So let's not take the risk quite yet, shall we?  Of course if it doesn't work out then thank you for preparing me for it, because I didn't think that there was much of a chance.. But I like to think you've figured out how I feel about you, and how little I want to let you go, and I really hope that you feel the same... <3
I think it hit me so hard because while you were thinking about the end, I was thinking about the future.  If you would be the first man I lived with; if we would do that in or out of uni accommodation the year after next.. I know last night i mentioned leaving and going elsewhere and studying. But it's an idea, a dream, which I wouldn't do. Can't give up.  Anyway.  Slightly different ideas; made the other ones a bit more of a shock to the system.  But we shall see; there's only one way to find out, and I hope that we give 'us' a chance.  And I hope that if worst comes to worst, I can let go of you enough to stay friends with you, because you really are pretty amazing to have around.  I can only hope (well assume, as you wouldn't necessarily keep me around otherwise) that you think I am too.  I don't feel like I've been there for you, like I've thought about you enough.  Possibly because you actually let me be selfish; let me think of myself and show me that it's not the worst thing in the world, unlike people have before.  So I'm sorry for that.
I hope that we can get through this, but know that if we weren't to then it wouldn't be the end of the world.  Though I would miss you, a lot.
I've run out of words now.. So I'll leave you be.  You're lovely. x.))

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Race For Life

Today, I took part in Race for Life for the first time.

It must be said, that I think it was one of my favourite experiences.  I never knew how many people were involved, caring and supporting.  Of course, everyone hears figures, but being amongst that throng of people all shuffling forwards in an effort to start the race is something else.  What people write to stick on their backs, ("I'm racing for my dad"; "I'm racing for Tril") became all the more moving when no matter where you looked, you could see them.  There were huge groups of people all running for one person, which was amazing.  Becca and I wrote on our backs that we were running for "one in three people", the statistic of people who are diagnosed with cancer at some point in their lives.  One that I thought was brilliant was someone who wrote on the back that they're running for "you"; and another that was "me".

Every time we ran past the people watching, clapping and supporting us, I picked up slightly, or smiled, or both.  There was a samba band at one point, playing throughout the race, giving us a beat and some energy.  At the end, we got a card saying "we have something to say..." (open said card) "You are awesome!" Which has, unsurprisingly, gone straight on my notice board; and a medal and a free bottle of water and packet of crisps (B and I were grateful for them!)

I don't think that, throughout my life, I've ever felt quite so much a part of something, especially something that actually could change someone's life.  The fact that we (though this is only me and Alice) raised £220 and ran 5k for it just makes me actually wish I had done more.  I would love to have a life like that; to work with or even just do something every year that actually makes a difference to peoples lives.

Ooh get me, feeling all inspired..

Photo Forty One

Another amazing night last night.  Out with the pole dancing society, as you do..  Met a right babe called Jake who I've been talking to all day, met a right dick whose Irish mate Becca got off with, and danced with an old man local - and even was out in the vicinity of my boy, which was nice.

We started in Weatherspoons (where we voted for social sec etc for the soc & had a pitcher), went to Cambrian (lovejuice. Got Dai one because I still owe him a fortune - though will now count us even - and straight off was down about a tenner), then Salt (boring, not looking promising cause it was Fe's choice and she's now social sec), then Varsity (where we met the dick and his friend, who turned out to be a bit of a dick too, actually), then Academy, which I have no memory of, then Inn on the Pier (where my Viking came up behind me and hugged & kissed me, sehr sehr nice), then pier (dead but awesome, where we saw some really cool people and met Hologram Jake) then Yokos, where we saw Tom and his flat, which was awesome because they're awesome.  Awesome.  (I keep saying 'awesome' and 'pro' today... So cool.)

I couldn't get into the Viking's last night though, I went home and got changed and Dai passed out on my bed.  Then I managed to leave my phone at home, which I decided not to get for some reason, so I rang him off Lottie's phone several hundred times before waking him up and telling him to stay awake for 2 minutes, which he didn't; I ran to his to get there before he went to sleep and couldn't get in.  Drunk Kitty decided it'd be a great idea to chuck my keys at his window too, then couldn't find them, so I couldn't even get into my flat.  I ended up knocking on Lottie's window and scaring the shit out of her before basically passing out.  I woke up at 9.30 this morning still drunk and went straight to see the Viking, get my keys and have a cuddle.  I was late for my riding lesson but it was totally worth it; and I think Caryll appreciates a bit of honesty when I rolled up late and said "sorry, I got terribly drunk last night and just couldn't quite make it..." Bless her, she just laughed.  I can't believe I was allowed on to be honest, I was steaming.  Rode pretty well though, even if I do say so myself ahah.

Well, there we go.  I've done no work whatsoever but am about to do land use, go for a run, then come back, have a shower, then head to Lottie's to study Breeding and Stud all night.  Goodo!

Biglovexo