Day 292

Uncreative.

Unimaginative.

It's how I feel.

I had a good day, three hours of which was spent cleaning Willis's tack.

Since said three hours, I've felt crap.

Now if you'll get pissed off with me about talking about Willis, stop reading.

My dad asked what the point was in buying Willis.  He asked whether we should be buying an ex-racehorse or adding a zero to his price and getting something which will definately get me somewhere.

He asked if Willis is the right horse.

And I'm pretty sure he's not.

The thing is, I have grown really attatched to Willis.  He's opened up a brand new world of places and people and exploration; of long slow canters then bloting up Harry's Field.  Having the option of doing an extra two canters, like I did today.  He's given me someone to dote upon who won't take the piss, and a place to go when I don't feel happy.  What have I done the last couple of times?  Raced myself up Blackcap, and watch the people pass.  (In my mind.)

This whole place of freedom and fun could so easily...go.  I've become the happy hacker, enjoying all of the time I spend on the downs with /my/ horse and choosing whether or not to do the piss boring hour and two hour rides, or to go somewhere else.  I love the freedom of choice and, simply, I love Willis.  He's affectionate, and Kim once said that he's more protective from Max (who spends a lot of time lunging at him) when I'm around.  That, to me, says something good.  I couldn't stand to watch that Natalie girl ride him because I know she wouldn't feel guilty about ripping shit away from me.

I just don't think it's right.

But I can't stand to not have him.

Unless I got something better, immediately.

I know there are better horses out there and I know that I can find them, but I don't want to.  I really, really love Willis.

But I know what I have to do.

I just desperately need a horse to replace him.

A jumper.

One who can take me places.

And one who's black.

And bigger.

Now, if you'll get pissed off with me being a bit pathetic, and talking about Jack, stop reading.

I was worried earlier that you didn't care.  I thought that you thought my reasons for feeling crap were, well, crap.  But understand how much this means to me.  And I'm pretty sure you don't, but I knew since I looked into your eyes before you left that you really are genuinely concerned.

I just want to thank you for showing your emotions because I don't know that you realise how insecure I would feel if you didn't.

And, my One, I just want to tell you that I love you.

Because my God, I do.

I say "my One" for a reason.