Day 249

Toxic

The time with Jack was good, though slightly odd: we watched Star Wars 4, 10 Things I Hate About You, then Star Wars 5, then (at about 2am) woke up.  But I forced him to not do an all nighter - ha.  We then woke up again at about 5 and dozed til about 8:20 when we got bored and went to Waitrose, for breakfast.  (Crazy or what!!)  It was the first time I've ever waited outside Waitrose for it to open, and we both thought it very cute that when the shutters opened there was a line of people with their trollies waiting to start their shopping.

I was intrigued by a overly sugary and chocolatey cereal which ended up being overly sugary and chocolatey.  Owell.  All an experience.  Even though it was like BNBNs in milk (they were some good biscuits.  Now I have to wait til I go to France to get them -.-).

We then ate, watched Star Wars 6, fell asleep, ate lunch, then watched sponge bob square pants until it was time for him to pack ready to move back to Brighton.

Carl gave us a lift to Brighton and I was straight away dragged to a barbeque, which was....long.  It was alright towards the end becasue I got hyper and sat bouncing in my seat.  Good times.  Ish.

Day 248

I'm about to get in the shower then go to Jack's, so will write about half of today and tomorrow on the next post.

I just got in from riding Willis, and am letting myself cool down a little before getting in the shower.  He really is brilliant.  I was talking to Sue the whole ride and she would give me tips on how to keep him calm; he had a little dance around and one point, but was really good.  He's so fast!

Anyway.  Talking to Sue, she said that he would only be £800.  However, because I'm looking for a jumper instead of a hacker with the odd time jumping, he's not really right - what with his knees and all.  That settled me quite a lot really.  It's back to Horsemart for me.

PS: one day I'll start taking decent photos.

Day 247

So Alice dropped me at riding at 4ish, and I went on my way.  I tacked Willis up really quickly, not messing around because I don't trust horses in that box any more because of Goulash, it appears.

I rode him for half an hour.  Before I got on Ray told me he was going.  I was decidedly not going to get too attatched to him.  I took him into the school and got on and he walked freely.  He was collected because he was stuck behind Bill and Grey Lady, and he was gorgeous.  His pace was short but still smooth, and he was so responsive.  He listened to my hands all the time, so much that at one point I shortened my rains and he instantly shortened his stride.  Beautiful paces.  I only got one canter which he ran away from, though.  He didn't understand what to do when we were weaving cones, but he listened and learned.  So lovely.

BUT (this is for me) he was hard to stop in trot, and would quickly fall into habits of following on.

So I took him back  into his stable after half of the lesson, because it was a freebie - and now I think of it Ray wouldn't've wanted me to jump him (him having an injury when R&S are giving him back is a really bad idea).  Though he's won over fences, so he can.

He's going back, by the way, for a good reason.  He stopped racing because he fractured a knee and didn't have long enough in him, but the vet came this morning and said he had 4 years tops.  He would swell up and be unworkable basically, thus unsellable.  I mentioned it to Ray (my idea of talking to my mum about Willis) and he basically said that there are horses just as good without the limited life expectancy, and  I shouldn't bother with Willis.  The sooner he's gone the better.

So waiting for the bus (I did have a while, stupid 7pm) I wondered why I was biting back tears from this horse going, and came to a realisation which I do not want, and will not state bluntly here.  Use your own intuintion, you beautiful people.  And don't ask me what I mean.

I wrote this in a text and am going to write exactly what I put.

.1. Everything happens for a reason.

.2. I've ridden him once for half an hour.

.3. I'm doing it because he's so good and I want a good horse so much.

.4. I'm doing it /because/ he's going.

So I can just shut the fuck up.

So I know that I'm doing this myself.  So why do it?  It's fucking ridiculous.  It's liek I have a pain button somewhere which I press when I don't have enough wrong or something. 

 So why do it? 

 No effing idea.

  To explore.

I don't think it's because I think that I don't deserve happiness.   I think everyone deserves happiness.  Even people like Josef Fritzl.  That's what he was seeking in some warped way.  That's beside the point.

I don't think it's for attention because I'd sooner curl up than explain.  Anyone who reads this is more an observer than anything; I'm writing this for me.

Then again, would I?

Curl up with a hug, not my mind for company.

Urgh.  I know myself better than I think.  I just wish I didn't, every now and then.

Day 246

Because I'm posting this a day late I'll talk about what I did with Alice over the two days, then talk about riding on the next day's post.

So in the morning Jack came round and we were just having a laff rly.  I did eat chocolate but I don't think I had milk...sorry Kati =P.

He went when Alice texted saying she was on her way, so I then lay on the sofa waiting for her.  When she arrived I gave her a parking ticket and we didn't know what to do.  So we went to see Star Trek.  No reason, just felt like it.  It was pretty good.  I do so love Simon Pegg.

We went home and watched one and a half Pirates of the Caribbean movies (we fell asleep), interrupted by dinner.

The day after we spent in bed playing a ben and jerry's game.  It was really very, very amusing.

this photo is crap

just btw

Day 245

This photo is an extra one which Kati edited and took and I love.

I spent today with Kati again. It was really cool - we had cereal and toast then went out to play tennis (after buying tennis balls). We then were in really weird moods until horsing around in the forest, where Kati took this photo. How pwnful is that watch.

I have a cold. I do not like that.

See you all soon my lovelies.
I return to Brighton within the next two hours, so don't pine too much.
<3

Day 244 WITHKATI

Today was great. I went to Kati's arriving about 11 and waited for the raiiiiin to stop before wandering aimlessly round where she lives and found some really awesomified places including this uber romantic place with a lake and a hole and a sex field. Where Kati intends to lose her virginity. Apparently. Hmmmm.

Anyway, yeh lake is so awesome, really pretty. Then we bought DR SEUSS BOOK!!! and bubblebath and went to go to this park place where stoners hung out but it was too full so we went to another park place where stoners don't hang out, swung a bit and then sat under a climbing frame reading dr seuss to each other (:. then forest and stuff and...

I KISSED A COW AND I LIKED IT

(i wanna take a ride on your disco cow)

Day 243

I feel really ill.

My head might explode soon.

On the good side, today: Bobby was awesome; I organised my half term; I was offered (and accepted) free rides on Willis; I saw Jack; Jack gave me his pocketwatch; I ate duck.

Day 242

Today's been good.  I played squash with my dad which we started late but I am not upset by, cos I was rather tired by the end of it.  I had a shower when I got back, then ate bacon sandwiches with Jack.  We then arsed around for a bit, before going to see Markus Zusak speak of his book The Book Thief, which is one of, if not my favourite book.  He was really cool.  We then wandered around a bit, spending half of his boy of the form reward in WHSmiths.  Crazay.  Then went to his sister's work to see if she was there, which she wasn't, so we went back to Churchill Square and sat around for a while, whilst I wouldn't let him leave before 6, as I'm so cruel.

On the way home I stopped in St Nick's graveyard and read a couple of chapters of The Book Thief, which was really nice, actually.  Then I got home again and read some more, watched some TV and The Three Musketeers, now am sitting here writing this, eating grapes and talking to Jack, gearing up to taking a glass of milk, some nice music and The Book Thief to bed.

=)

Day 241

Woke up too early considering I only went to sleep t about 2 and woke up about half 8.  Millie and I watched Friends then went for breakfast, which was yumsies.  We then went to my dad's and did many tedious things á cause de mis klés.  Which should be a grave accent but I cba.

Anyway.  What was i saying?

Breakfast.  After that we played Queen sing star then the keys malarchy happened then we got ready and went to Record of Achievement.

RoA was, as expected, long and boring.  After it I met Jack and spent time just walking around talking and so on.  I met his other sister, Natasha, and saw his mum again, who said I looked like Bridget someone or other...I wish I could remember who.  Unfortunately, I fail too bad for that.  The shoes I borrowed from Zoe (in the end, the only clothes I wore which were mine were my undies) ended up really hurting my feet, so they're now covered in micropore.  As Jack said when I was putting it on, may as well have covered all of my foot in it.  Unfortunately, apart from the oh so romantic times of bandaging up my beautiful blisters, I didn't get much time with Jack alone, but oh well really.  All time with him is good time.  Unless we were arguing or something...unless that was the type of argument we simply ALWAYS have which ends in him going "times infinity" cos he ignores me when I do it.  GRR.

So now I'm eating chocolate, drinking milk and watching a movie (13 going on 30. Rocking or what?), which is just cool.

So, I'm gonna go return to that.  Enjoy your day, beautifuls.

Day 240

Last day!!!

Went to the Rec and had a brilliant time.  Srsly.  Genius.  Lubb Patrick.  He pwns.  And he looks weirdly good in girls shades.

The only dampener on my day is how down Jack is; I hate it.  Tell me if I can help.

I hate this photo.

Srsly.

Day 239

I spent most of the day being happy because there's not much school left.

Until 12 noon tomorrow in fact.

I'm just not looking forwards to having to listen to and say "god no way will we ever lose touch!" to people I secretly dislike.

It'll be fun...I honestly can't wait.

Red Light Panic Terror.

Addicted to The Tears.

Day 238

I feel good.  Like my eyes look.  Alive.  At school, I had a really long day and felt a bit badio for quite a bit...but when I got home, I was with Jack, and I felt so relaxed.  It was brilliant. =)

Day 237

I'm not in the best of moods to talk about how great my day's been though I don't rightly know why.

It's been good though...I was kinda nervous that I finished my maths paper too soon. Or something.

I don't like this photo and it doesn't reflect my mood but my camera was low on battery and I'm not in a creative mood.

So there we go.

Day 234, 235 & 236

N.B.: Jack is awesome.

Friday

Spent the day with Jack and Laura mainly.  Spanish listening exam in the morning which wasn't as bad as expected.  Wouldn't have been, at least, if I'd revised properly.  A lesson to be learnt.

Then was Ethics (watching House =)); philosophy (in the RIC); break (laughing at Victor stealing Jack's bag); IT (working o= ... then playing a ben and jerry's game with Laura which was really funny..we both got into it far too much XD); lunch (ignoring everyone but Jack, basically); IT (I hate early lunch.  Submitted work and spoke to Jack and watched Laura play tetris); PE (Laura persuaded me to do no work and talk about relationships instead, and told me something about Oli which was piss offing but, to be honest, I don't really give a shit about.  Because it's him. Or something.)

Then went to Jack's and stayed over, watched Indiana Jones (ish - went to sleep..).

  Photo taken just as Jack made me laugh [=

Saturday

Woke up about 9 and watched cartoons and ate cookie crisp ceral in celebration of our cereal annivairsary (one month (Y)).  Very slow at starting the day; could hardly get out due to lack of motivation x].  Once we did, we walked to the beach and I took photographs of the pier.  He then bought us lunch in a café, then we walked around a bit, lay in a park for a bit, then went back to his sister's flat where I "forced" him to come over.  It'll be weird in the morning.  Umm.  What else?  Nothing really.  Just that it has been, in short, fantastic.  Very enjoyable and very relaxing - as intended.

  I love his eyes in that.

Sunday

Jack having stayed over the night before, I got up a bit early to see him for longer.  We ate and chatted, as ever, and made my mother and dave tea and then i went.  No idea what he did while I was out, but I got drenched.  Seriously drenched.  I was on Ben who wouldn't stop dancing at the end of the ride, which ended up pissing me off so on the way to the field I went "go on then" and kicked him in the sides...which shut him up.  Then took off his saddle, let him have a nom at le grassio, complained that I was cold, got annoyed at kristina making Paddington canter then blaming Ben and me...though that was earlier.  Same diff.

Came home, had a shower (lovely, i must say), got dressed, spoke to Alice and Millie, then went to have lunch with one of the Lady Boys of Bangkok and his boyfriend.  It was really annoying because I wanted to revise (!) and couldn't because of them.  Grrg.  I ended up getting bored and revising anyway; got me book thing.

Then I went into the lounge to revise, got kicked out because mum said she was going in there with the boyfriend (ladyboy had to go) and dave.   They still haven't moved into there which is really annoying cos I wanna nab a couple of chocolate biscuits.  So now I've kinda stopped with the revision and have started webcamming to Millie, listening to Daft Punk and talking to Jack. I was talking to Kati but she vanished =/

Soo....bye all.

Love you.

Especially you.

Yes, you.

=)

Day 233 - an eventful one.

Up until lunch, when I saw Jack and got a hug, I felt pretty crap and was putting a front on, but walking around feeling like a shell of myself, and like I could feel the wind going through me.  It was horrible.

At lunch Jack and I were ignored so ignored people back, which was kinda cute because Carolina tried to have a jibe...naww.

For the last two hours (I hate early lunch. I was all geared up to go home after science.) I was in a better  mood, spoke to Fi a lot about what was bothering me at first, and then just random crap; she blamed me for distracting her from her test =P

I got the bus at 4:15 which was pretty good going.  I was going to get the bus home in order to speed up the process, but made everyone walk fast and listened to Lady Gaga on the way home to make me walk fast.  Though I did have to hug people (Victor twice though I don't fully know why...told to, so whatever.  I don't mind; Victor's awesome after all; and Mark - I got away without hugging...anyone else.=P(well there was Jack but he's obvious so doesn't count)).

So I got to riding and skipped out; tacked up; fed round (Wallace/Willice really isn't that bad; just a bit of a prat); walked up the lane to warm up and realised that that's actualyl where the downs walks go, which I didn't know; then went over to the jumping field.  This girl, Robyn, was riding too, and she's really not bad.  She's in year 5, and I would absolutely love to teach her.  She really has potential.  I have, however, decided that if I ever teach riding I'll be one of those annoying instructors who only give half-arsed compliments until every now and then when the rider's done really well,  Purely for funsies and effectsies.

I then untacked, Ray said I could probably get a ride on Wallace/Willice (!) when I asked, which is awesomes, and I went.

Tortillas for dinner.

Earlier on in the day, I asked Alice to get online.  So I spoke to her, and told her what I felt and everything about it.  So we organised to go and see Hairspray - on west end (we're that cool bro) - with no phones and just us.  Well maybe phones so that we know if Alice's ma needs to contact or whatever, but no texting.  She said she'd make a new MSN account so she could talk to me, which is really cool.  She's taken in what I said and is trying (*touchwood*) to change it =D

So then I went downstairs, ate chocolate and spoke to my Dad.

A great end to a less so day.

Day 232

Today, since about 8pm has been a very long day.

Thanks, Jack.

Sometimes I think I'm so far obtuse that I'm almost a full circle.

Day 231

...Turn into something beautiful.

You know, you know I love you so.

I swam across,

I jumped across for you,

Oh what a thing to do. 

Cos you were all yellow, 

I drew a line, I drew a line for you, 

Oh what a thing to do, 

And it was all yellow. 

Your skin, 

Oh yeah your skin and bones, 

Turn into something beautiful,

And you know for you, 

I'd bleed myself dry for you, 

I'd bleed myself dry.

Thank you.

<3>

[I weirdly like this photo...]

Day 230

I've Been Thinking About The Future.

I see myself alone until I'm about 28 then really needing someone

What's with that?

MichaelangeloPolice is a very interesting person.

Day 229

Rode Bill this morning and he was good.  Was good to see Brady again, and he said i can come on his next safari holiday :P

Spent the afternoon with Jack, arsing around a bit and on the beach discussing life the universe and everything until he had to go home and we started talking about the future, and a guy with pee stains on his trousers. Ew.

Now thinking about my grandfather and stuff, but it'll pass.

Night all...

Day 228

Today was really good.  I went to Jack's at 8 (cos he stayed in Brighton for me; it's kinda fair..) and ate egg fried rice, then introduced myself to Al and said hi to whatsisface and Debbie (Jack's mum).

We then went round my mum's, and went to Lee Miller's house, Farley Farm, with Peter also.  It was really cool; I love Lee Miller's work.  It's interesting seeing what other people find interesting.  Like my mum loved a photo of Picasso which i thought was kinda uninteresting, but i loved a photo of two guys with their faces pressed against glass.

The people at the place were crap.  Constantly going "mmm" and nodding like they were hearing things they already knew.  Srsly, if you know it, then eff off and give yourself a tour.

We had a pub lunch after which i thought I was going to be sick - even though the major tell-tale sign was not there - but was alright.  Jack was really nice then; I was expecting him to be like your average person and make an excuse to stay away a bit, but he put his arm around me and made sure I was alright, which I really, really appreciate.

We stopped at Beachy Head on the way home, so Jack and I walked to the top then down to the beach where we lay with our heads under his coat for a while.  Apparently my mum and Peter took photos of us.  That's weird.

Then we went home, watched Christina vs. Britney for a while, then arsed around a bit generally.  Jack then had to go, which was a shame.  Didn't feel right without him.  I know it sounds crap, and I apologise for it.

So...yes.  Brilliant day.

Kinda blissful..

Day 227

Had  I taken this image now, it would be very different.

I meant to go to bed early, after getting of the phone with Jack, but started speaking to my dad.  He said a few things of significance which I'll note here then write about more later.  They are not word for word but they are as I remember them.

1. "You don't have to run."

2. "Beware of things which could distract you, especially your mother."

3. "It coloured his life."

4. "You'll either get 1/1 or 0/1.  You should get 1/1."

1. I didn't understand what that meant at first.  It meant to me that I was too focused on Jack, which I am and need to stop being and realise that, but he later said that there would be a lot of change in the next five months, and that because I am a person who walks, I should not run.  It makes sense to me.

2. Ow fuckity ow.  Hurts because he's right.  I've done very little revision and definately done more when at Dad's.  My mother gives vain attempts at asking me about revision and what she can help with every now and then, but nothing too serious.  She is one of my main distractions from my work...seriously.  She always has people over, takes me out places...

It doesn't help that he's really pissed off with her because she's taking me out tomorrow (and didn't tell him) and took me out yesterday (and didn't tell him).  Understandable, I'd say.

3. I asked about my grandfather, Ken.  I asked what he was like as a person.  I know my father's judgement is coloured for reasons which I will not put on a blog, but I asked anyway.  He said that my grandmother's death "coloured his life", Ken's, that is, because I asked for medium level explanation of him.  My father never knew that his father was fond of my mother because there were no signs of affection between his parents - I was the way he found out about the engraving of his mother's name on his father's ring - and it made me think how I always want my children to know what love looks like.  I want to know what Ken was like.  I want to understand.

I'll talk about this later.

PS: sorry i'm not online Kati.

Day 226

Went to a concert in the evening.  Almost fell asleep in the first half so downed red bull in the interval, then couldnt sit still or back in my seat for most of the show.  Then at the end I fell asleep.  Stupid red bull.

This photo slightly scares me...can't decide if i like it.  I think I do.

Day 225

Sooo.

Nothing much to say but feel like saying something.

I seriously had the weirdest obsession with Weetabix today.  I ate 3 bits before school (dry, like toast) and came back and ate....lots.  There are now like 4 left in the new-this-morning packet.  That is sooo not good.

Anyway, I was meant to have been at my dad's aages ago so will actually move now.

BRB.

Hi again.

Did you miss me?

No?

Nawww.

I admit, I did not immediately return to write to you, my lovely minions (don't complain - it's true and you know it!), because I was busy revising.  I'm not doing that well at revising...and if Youth Culture comes up I'm gonna cry, because I don't have anything learnt - or written - for that.

So.  What am I thinking?

Urr, basically nothing.

Oh well.

I suppose it's time to take my leave, then ... by the way, anyone with time should check out Matt's latest photos on Flickr.  They're seriously awesome.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/foto_tomten/

Day 224

My back hurt most of the day but it feels like it's straightened out a bit now.

Good times.

Music wasn't that bad.

Feeling strangely blank right now.

I can dream the rest away.  It's just a little touch of fate; it'll be ok.

Day 223 - Monday

Laziest day I've had for a while.

Spent the whole time lazing around, complaining about my back and watching TV with Jack.  Ridiculous ammounts of TV.

Back still hurts but I'm sure it'll be fine, because stuff is.  Happens for a reason and all that.

Have really enjoyed this lovely relaxed long weekend =)

Day 222

Rode James today and he was - of course - marvellous.  Lovely lovely beast.  So collected over the sheep field....he was being what I miss about Goulash without the jumping and rodeoing, which is very good.

After that I saw Jack and we relaxed a bit really.. by way of a change :P

Nick, Rich and Trev came round for lunch, which was good, but I got a mega headache half way through so went upstairs with Jack to hide from the loud loud loud Nick, which was cool.  He ended up staying over because my mum didn't want him walking back to his on his own, and he didn't want to sleep on the sofa.  Fair enough, I'd say.

Days 220 and 221

Day 220:

Awesome two days.  Really awesome.

On Friday I had two exams in the duration of my IT lesson, French (i think that was good =]) and Music (there's a chance I didn't fail) - which was alright.  I did nothing in the lesson except allow Jack to basically murder Laura with hugs, the poor dear.

After school Jack and I moseyed back to mine and arsed around a bit...then I fell asleep for about 15 minutes too long..oops.  Then went to see Steve.  What Charles didn't tell me is that Steve wanted to see me if I wanted to go back to judo.  Durr.  So I said no, basically...but the option is open, as far as I can tell.

We got the bus some time around 6, and half way through the journey realised that Carl (Jack's sister (Dom)'s boyfriend) was behind us..which was really rather amusing.  They took the piss out of me not liking mushrooms a lot, which was pretty funny rly.  Jack tried to get me into Star Trek but we basically spoke through it.  We then watched the Dark Knight and went to sleepy =)

Day 221:

The morning was kinda slow and relaxed.  We lay around a bit, then got the bus at 11:20 to Brighton (there really were a lot of old people on that bus...) and Oli called me when I was on it.  We had lunch in the Basketmaker's Arms which was alright, a mega burger and a hell of a lot of chips.  Good times man.

Jack and I then went back to mine, and got Oli's stuff together.  I gave it to him while Jack hid upstairs for 1 hour 47 minutes (sorryyyy!--though not reeally my fault..).  When I got back upstairs, after freaking ages, I have honestly never been so grateful for a hug from Jack.  I just needed it, and he was there.

When we got home again Mum needed milk, so I made the normally 7/8 minute walk in 4 minutes and jumped around a lot on the way there.  I thank you Blink 182.

Now I'm back, in a big hoody over a black strap top and some too-thin trackie bums.  I was in jeans but spilt J2O all over the place, which was not my best move, I must say.

Day 221 photo will follow tomorrow, when I can tax it off Pod, as he has rather rudely taken his phone to work.